You’re a survivor like many others that visit here. The trauma you endured is real and continues to inform your decisions and arc-of-life. Toxic shame is just what it means. Getting help in releasing those dark bi-products of childhood trauma and the specter of having them recreated in the “generational loop” will help get you to “living” life, not just “surviving” life. Find a good therapist with specialty in family-of-origin issues; it helps.

There is no shortage of human misery passed amongst those in our orbits - I truly hope you find your path to peace and wellness.