I'm aware how much I'm broken down by testing and diagnosing both from the hospital and self-test, but I don't know where to begin the fix...
When someone described the depression as an old, abandoned house for a long time, I feel like myself being a collapsed wooden house, all rotten inside and out, none recoverable.
So far what I know what's the problem with myself...
- I fear of peoples, specifically how they'll look at me even from the person simply walking by.
- I fear of talking to someone, keep on thinking they'll look at me at most pathetic way possible.
- Similar from above, but someone will look at me to see what they can take away from me; From money to 'sell' me away to someone.
- I'm afraid of making decision. Not because I'm afraid I'll fail, but simply the decision itself. I fear even there's a high chance I'll succeed, because of reasons above; Peoples will use my success as an advantage to take something away.
- Also I'm deeply trusting myself I'll fail no matter what task I will have, or how easy it is. Some said to plan something very easy, but I even failed making a plan itself even after taking an advice before.
- Test fears me. All sort of tests actually makes my brain going white and making me extremely afraid. Even a driving license test is making me afraid of it; No matter if I'll pass the test or not.
- There is someone, or, 'myself' inside me, but with totally different personality. They insult me and criticize me from failing, and he's really aggressive and lack of patience. It's been a long while since I just take whatever he says, since... It's all true, after all. Things that has been failed, begins from my action.
- As I just gave up and listen what he says and as he appears and disappears so random... I sometimes get confused weather it's him taking control of 'me,' or I'm taking control of 'myself.' We both are aware that we are 'one,' but also 'two separate beings' in a same time.
- As almost all the decisions and actions are making me afraid or giving me a lot of stress, I almost completely gave up on doing a simple tasks like cleaning myself or clean something out. I trust even if I clean myself or do something to fix it, no one will care; They'll simply insult me just because it's me.
- I had visited a lot of psych-related doctors, but none really ended up fixing me properly. I feel like either I'm a burden, or they're simply wanting the money and nothing more, or a machine that is repeating the same words from the book, etc etc. I distrust the psych doctors these days.
- Numerous times, I trusted the psych doctors not to tell my secret to anyone, but everyone ended up telling how I'm bad to the families, and the families ends up looking at me in most dirtiest way possible.
- Families; Or just peoples simply calling they're 'family,' don't have a single trust on me, with the reasons above. I fail every tasks, I avoid every tests and tasks, I am just... Me. They all treat me as a sandbag, venting their stress on me. They don't understand the depression at all, even they have heard what the doctors said before.
- I try to avoid myself and all the tasks away by playing games; Even while game is boring now, just to get away from reality along myself and ignore it, hoping today ends soon as possible by wasting time.
- None of the works are enjoyable anymore. As in, none. Even when I want to force myself to laugh out loud by watching TV or video, all I can do best is to snicker and back to the dull, long face within seconds.
- My mind is like a giant frozen ocean, with a lot of emotions underneath the ice. I can 'see' and pretend that I can feel it, but while it does exists down there, I can't reach my hands into emotions.
- I have a deep guilt on my grandmother's death even she passed away 6 months ago, as I had a chance to visit her before she dies in an hour, yet I lost that sole chance as I was trying to vent my depression to wonder around the park ever so random.
- I have tons of nightmares and dreams that I can't describe, yet some remains within my memories faintly.
There are just... Way too many things I need to untangle, and every single bit looks so intense and ridiculously bad. I know I need a fix like a broken clock that ticks backward, but... I don't know how.
All I can think is just...