After three years of torment, I've finally found out there is a (sort of) recognized condition for what I'm going through. During that time, I've obsessed about a particular woman. I can't stop thinking about her, all day every day. My condition is called "limerance". I've worked with about eight counselors since it first started, but only the latest person I've talked to has been able to help me find some clinical information about it. I'm sharing some of that information here in the hope of helping other people going through this pain.

Keep in mind that I'm not a trained psychologist, counselor, or anything like that. I'm just someone suffering from the condition and I've done some research about it. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

In a nutshell, limerance is an uncontrollable obsession with the romantic relationship with a specific person. That "specific person" part is key: it's not obsession about romance in general, it's about a specific person. The person with the obsession is the limerant. The person the limerant obsesses about is the limerant object (LO). The other key concept is that the obsessions are intrusive; basically you can't stop obsessing even though you try.

There are other properties and definitions of limerance that I won't get into here. I'll link to a paper about it below that has more clinical details.

For me it started about three years ago. I met a woman online for the purpose of pursuing a sexual relationship. It was never intended to be a romance or long term relationship. It was all about sex. We met in person once, then she told me in an email, in a perfectly polite way, that she didn't think it would work out and she didn't want to pursue the relationship anymore.

Immediately upon reading her email I collapsed on the floor. It felt like I'd been beaten with a bat. That was the start of three years (and counting) of obsession with her.

The first six months were the worst. I would break down into crying fits when the thoughts became overwhelming. I had to take two weeks off of work and almost checked into a psychiatric hospital. I thought about her from the moment I woke up until I went to sleep. She was all I could think of. I agonized over every detail of our brief relationship, wishing I could have done better. I thought about ways I might get a second chance. It wouldn't stop. I would try to distract myself and think of other things, but my thoughts were always dragged back to her.

Curiously, I didn't spiral into self-destruction. I was able to use the desperate hope of getting a second chance as motivation to be self-constructive (hence my nickname here on Psych Central). I began working out and got into great shape. I took up some extracurricular activities to try to meet other women. Eventually I did meet another woman... we love each other very much and have great sex. I'm happy when I'm with her. But she doesn't know anything about this problem I have..

Eventually the pain eased up. Now I'm able to distract myself for a good portion of the day. But thoughts of her are still in the background. At least once a day I still feel despondent because I'll probably never be with her. I let myself get out of shape again and I carry a lot of shame about that.

Even today I make choices that, while not bad choices, are still based on irrational motivations. I'll clean up my apartment "just in case she comes by today". I know these motivations are irrational, but they're still there. Awareness of the irrationality of the obsession is a common theme in limerance.

Unlike many limerants, I didn't stalk my limerant object. I don't email her, try to see her, or contact her in any way. I avoid the grocery store I know she probably shops at.

That's my story. I still suffer from this condition, but it helps just a tiny bit to know that is a recognized condition. There are professionals who study this sort of thing.

This article is the best description of the condition that I've found. It's free to download.

I hope this information can help anybody else who is suffering through limerance like I do.