Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut
During my walk this morning, I was thinking about this thread. I agree with Divine that we have to be careful about diagnosing others. For example, in my case, I also had bad boundaries and was too enmeshed in their emotions. They basically could easily find blame with their parents rather than take responsibility. This was my fault because they are good kids with problems and weaknesses like all of us but I had put them on a unrealistic pedelstal which must have been quite confusing. There were times I rescued them from their own mistakes which I did out of emotional love for them. We want our children to be loved but in my case I have to be careful not to let high emotions cause me to make the situation worse. In these family drama's, many times, everyone made mistakes so it is important to eventually learn to forgive ourselves and each other and move on. She is only 21 so she has a lot to learn and IMO the best thing we can do in addition to having simple boundaries is just to let them go and advise them less. We have to remember, that they are adults and how sweet their life is is mostly up to them.
PS. Perhaps you will be able to eventually relate to the YouTube video on this thread: Twelve Precious Truths a Wayward Child Can Teach Us |
Hello!
Thank you for this.
I want to just let you know that I do not advise her any more at all. After years of terrible fights with her etc my M.O. now is to co-exist in this house with her. I do not approach her to talk unless she comes to me first. As for diagnosing her that’s a hard one. For a long time when she was young I just thought ok her behavior is challenging and we need to work out how to do this to help her. As the years passed and it got worse and of course we want her to make good choices and be successful we sought out help. The first doctor ever to say anything said she had ODD and that’s why she hated being asked to do anything. Then later we dealt with her taking an OD and ending up being committed. I mean we are talking serious stuff. We thought therapy would help (not just her but also us as parents to know how to react to her and help rather than make it worse) but nothing she said helped. It doesn’t matter about a diagnosis but I’m on here because my 21 year old hates me and can turn very nasty and vicious. I’m asking if there’s anything I can do. I’m not asking anyone to diagnose her and nor am I trying to. I’m trying to describe her behavior. And it’s absolutely not normal. I’ve tried and tried and tried with her for years and years and now I’m just ground down with it.
I’m probably not explaining it too well but it’s hard because this is not a new thing or me interfering in her life now she’s an adult. I’ve been struggling with this since she was very young and I guess I feel bad because after everything we tried none of it helped.
And it may be wrong of me but I would never in a million years have said the things she says to me to my mum no matter how mad I was. She can be cruel imo bottom line I need her to move out and maybe in a few years she will mellow.
I will watch that video thanks for lining it!