Hi. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. I struggled for years about leaving my husband. Our situation was entirely different, but still. He was a really bad alcoholic (later diagnosed with bipolar, although I believe he’s BPD,) refused to get help to get sober, and eventually made me feel like I was crazy when suspecting he was using. Eventually, he got violent, although I rarely had marks, and he would constantly threaten to kill him self if I left him. At one point I worked 3 jobs while he couldn’t keep one and would literally sit around and drink all day and troll FB for old flames from whom to get sympathy. I felt paralyzed. And despite all of this, I still loved him deeply (I know...it’s crazy.)

Finally, after 10 years of this insanity, I gave him an ultimatum about going to rehab. Guess what he chose? So I left our apt (even though I was paying for it.) I was ready to call it quits, but then he was attacked and almost died from a traumatic brain injury. I felt so guilty b/c I was convinced it wouldn’t have happened if I’d been there. Suffice it to say, we remained separated for the next 5 years while still trying to work things out. We’d speak daily (we now live in diff states) and discuss our future together.

Finally, 3 weeks ago-after yet another massive relapse-he admitted to cheating on me for 2 months with a 21 yr old addict whom he’d allowed to move in with him. I’m devastated. I feel like the floor has been ripped out from under me. I filed for divorce on Monday. Now he won’t talk to me about ANYTHING and allowed her to text me vile things from his phone. My heart is in pieces, and at 39 after devoting 15 years to someone, I’m all alone and he won’t even explain how/why this happened, or acknowledge how much he’s hurt me or that our relationship every meant anything.
I say all this in order to encourage you to follow your instincts. If you’re unhappy now; leave. Before you aren’t the one making the choices and they’re thrust upon you. But if staying married is really what you want for whatever the reason; make the conscious choice to stay. Don’t delude yourself into thinking it will be anything other than what it is and work toward finding contentment with that. Ultimately, the point is to CHOOSE and do so for yourself. Don’t make the mistakes I did in staying out of guilt, fear, and a hope for something my husband NEVER indicated he could do. Because the bottom WILL get ripped out from under you since you’re not in the driver’s seat-so to speak-of your own life.

Be well.