I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. And, unfortunately, I don't think I can be of any help. But I wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you well.

There used to be a poster that showed a figure (I think it may have been a cat) dangling from the end of a rope. The caption read something like: "If you find yourself at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Sometimes, I think, that's about the best we can do...