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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty is staying stable.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
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Default Sep 04, 2020 at 01:06 PM
 
Yesterday and today have been super duper hard. I'm definitely of a mind to self harm. I'm at 223 days without self harming and yet I'm willing to throw that all away. What is wrong with me? I reached out to my support people yesterday and most of them were helpful. I texted my T but she didn't text back. In desperation I emailed the Pastor T that I saw for about 9 months (he's still my Pastor just not my T) and he sent me back a nice email that was really sweet. He told me that runners hit a wall and they have to push through their pain to get to the other side and that is what is going on with me. That I have hit a wall and I have to push through. Plus he says he believes in me.

I'm irritated at my T for not texting me back or calling me. I reread the text I sent her and I guess I probably made it sound like I was more okay than I was but I told her that I wanted to mess up and just deal with the aftermath so that sounds like a cry for help to me.


I don't even know why I am not doing well. I guess there's some stuff that makes sense as to why now instead of why some other time. But you would think that it would be easier at this point.


I thought about giving my parents my tool that I use to SH so they could take it with them and thus get it out of the house while they are gone this weekend, but I didn't. I know that's a bad idea because it means I have access to it. But I wasn't sure if I gave it to them if they would give it back. I'm certainly not going to give it to my friend who held onto my extra meds for me because she dumped my meds after my sui attempt last Thanksgiving.


If I end up SH-ing I know I'll have to go to the hospital because what I want to do is going to cause way too much damage and that I could potentially end up hospitalized. I hope not. I hope I can keep strong and not act on these urges. Because I do not want to be hospitalized. At all. Plus I'd be letting down so many people, like my parents. My support team. My friends. Nope, I gotta stay strong and not give in. Not sure I can do that though.


Hard, hard, hard, hard day. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

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