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PrettyBoy17
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Member Since: Jun 2020
Location: Rural USA
Posts: 52
3 yr Member
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Default Sep 07, 2020 at 01:14 PM
 
I think a lot of the issues come from being "different". I didn't really understand as a child, I just knew I didn't fit in and I had difficulty with figuring out who I was and being acceptable in society. I grew up in a very conservative homophobic family (and town) as an only child and I can't shake the inner voice in my head that I'm a freak and a monster.

I realize I still look feminine and most people will just assume I'm a woman, especially since I don't have the guts to correct anyone. Or that I just feel that I deserve it for being a freak/monster.

I was made fun of for my hair (I have curly/wild hair) when I was younger and even in college. I've been shamed for having body hair even by my ex. He made it clear that I could have no hair on my genitals if I wanted him to even attempt oral. I should have just not shaved as receiving oral just seems incredibly boring and like a chore for me. It can also be hard to get my mind around not having the correct body parts. He also shamed me for having noticable hair on my lower back. I'm sure it wouldn't have been acceptable to not shave my legs or underarms. I definitely don't now, but I have a lot of anxiety about what a possible future sex partner would say about my body hair and would I have to remove it all again just to get laid without someone saying/implying that I'm gross?

And about personality, I've been called creepy before...I can see maybe when I was younger and didn't fully understand what was appropriate or not when expressing interest in someone, but I think a lot of it is since I'm perceived as a girl, it freaks guys out (I haven't really pursued girls that much) that my sexual attraction to them/pursuit of them is masculine and not what they expect. The only time I was really successful (in getting into a real/long-term relationship) is when I did nothing and did not pursue at all. I simply fell into the gender role I'm supposed to based on my birth certificate and society's perception of me. I've been afraid of people finding out that I find them attractive and try to hide it to the point that I'm too anxious to be in the same room as them sometimes. I'm rarely attracted to anyone in real life anymore and I'm starting to wonder if I've lost sexual ability...if I even ever had any. Most of my sexual experience have been failures...as in I don't usually enjoy it and I certainly never get off and have to finish myself off afterwards. And often, with my ex, I would express how much I wish I could have the same genitals as him so I could enjoy sex like he could.

And yet, I still have sexual desire I can't completely ignore. Without anyone attractive/available in real life, I end up fantasizing about characters in TV shows. I know I'm way too old to be doing that, but I feel so inexperienced sexually and just wish I could go back a decade or so and have the experiences I needed to be a fully functioning adult that understands their sexuality, their body, and can actually get their needs met.

I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. I think being in a relationship with a straight guy that saw me as a girl, helped me come to terms with being transgender. It's the whole not understanding how sex works with the body I have (I mean, I understand scientifically, but not in practice), being jealous of his body parts, and feeling emasculated at times and him not understanding why I'm so angry. He gave me a bike once that was pink, yellow, and covered with flowers. I'm already embarrassed that I struggle riding a bike and he gives me a bike that is so girly that I would be completely humiliated to ride. His thought process was since I like Spongebob, I should like the combination of pink and yellow and that I could just take the flower decals off. I didn't fully understand why I was so angry at the time, but he really was humiliating me. Emasculating me. And he just saw me as an ungrateful person and all the drama around the bike and him (and his mom) trying to teach me how to ride a bike led to tension/a rift in the relationship. Also my issues with sex...always wanting it and always feeling frustrated and disappointed afterwards. Trying to get him to try new things, since unlike him, I never got to experiment to find out what would work for me. And when I did find something that would actually arouse me, of course he didn't like it.

He also had a bad habit of always saying what I wanted to hear because apparently I'm just SO terrifying if I'm even just a little bit angry (I mean, way to continue pushing the narrative that I'm not allowed to express any emotions). So now, how can I really trust anyone to mean what they say? And of course it's my fault for having a wall up and being untrusting. I mean, it's not like he took my word for things either...didn't believe me about gender, didn't believe me about my parents being incapable of emotional closeness so I wasn't close to them (that was apparently my fault too..."my parents are doing the best they can!")

Also, saying we were fine, being distant, then all of a sudden he's been mad at me the whole time. So, great, I have to go into a future relationship constantly afraid that we aren't okay even if they say we are and always waiting for the "just kidding, I'm mad at you" to happen. Gotta get used to the constantly apologizing for everything I say, needing emotional support (as it's always too much since I can't get it from my family and have trouble developing close enough friendships for that to be a source), or for no reason/existing. I mean, might as well apologize. I'm sure I've done something wrong.

So, attachment style...I believe I have traits of both anxious and avoidant styles (so I have all the worst traits! lol). I tend to avoid close relationships because of past experiences, but if I manage to develop one, I tend to want to be around them all the time and have separation anxiety. I find attachment to be painful because of separation anxiety, which is another reason I tend to avoid it.

I'm able to understand and articulate what my baggage is and how a relationship would need to work to accomodate it. I just need someone to actually listen, have an open mind, and for once actually SEE me. I'm very good at compromise, am patient (I mean, I work with kids, so I have to be), and forgiving. I just need someone who is chill and won't push me when I'm agitated and will let me have a judgment-free space to have emotions that seem like an over-reaction sometimes...I'm so used to feelings being ignored that I got into the habit of being over the top to be noticed and it's a hard habit to break. Someone who will allow me space to calm down if I get too angry before continuing an argument so the argument can be rational and kind. I mean, I need 20 minutes to maybe an hour sometimes so it's not like I'm avoiding confrontation altogether.

I also need someone who is open to exploring sexuality and can understand and "see" my gender and understand how my gender impacts both the romantic and sexual aspects of a relationship.
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