The last three days has been hell. And I made it through, without being in the hospital overnight or longer. That's a win. After work today, I spent time in my room. After a meditation, I fell asleep. I got out of the house. Every time I smell the smoke, it reminds me of a trauma from my childhood. Of going back into a building of a school after a fire,and having a panic attack. Then going to the ER. Friday, it happened again.

Today after putting my full effort into a project, I'm a bit better. It got my mind off the crap of the last few days. I was transported from a sui brain to a brain of peace.

Last night I took Zyprexa, and slept in. Tonight, I didn't take anything right before bed.

There is a point to doing things that make us feel better. Even if we don't feel that they will help. I had my doubts that reading or a Wii game would help, that's what I talked about with my t. After I found that it wasn't helping, I thought if having the TV on and working on my plastic canvas train. It helped!!

I am finding that I resist things because I want to stay miserable because it feels normal. Change is hard, and sometimes I need to trust the process. Stepping out of misery is a good thing, because I'm not letting the fear win. And I'm thinking, I want to write a book. There's a part of me that doesn't want a normal job. What I consider normal is one where I get paid to do something and never step out of my comfort zone. Now I see that normal doesn't exist. I've seen my parents have jobs, and I have wanted more. I want to be happy about what I do. And not be stuck. I see my parents in jobs that don't help them see what's right in front of them. They don't know what to say when I'm in crisis. And I feel neglected. Then I talk to my t, and I feel accepted. I wish I had that same feeling of acceptance with a healthy relationship.

My journey doesn't end tonight, it starts tonight. I'll answer this question in the morning, what do I want. Wait I think I have my answer. I still want to be in my program, because I see it will help me be stronger, which will help me to help others. I've got an understanding that some therapists don't have. Real life experience! I can use my experience and become better. I've got this. I don't need to feel like I have to escape, I can change course and make my life better.

And I hope to influence some of you to make changes to help yourself. We don't have to be stuck where we are like the medical model says. We can use skills to get ourselves through those hard moments.

Sometimes I wonder if I can change, because of all the neglect and bullying that I have experienced. But that doubt is fear. And that fear was caused because I wasn't perfect and I felt shame and guilt from others, including my parents. I can become free from those feelings. It will take effort, and it will be worth every minute.