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Pflaumenkeks
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Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: germany
Posts: 159
8 yr Member
59 hugs
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Default Sep 16, 2020 at 03:37 AM
 
Hey PrettyBoy, I read a lot of my own anxieties in your post and to some extend, we share the same background (trans, same age, horrible exes, ..).


For me, I discovered:

- Dating while not being out is hell and makes everything worse
- Getting into the local queer community normalizes bodies like mine in my head and there will be (even cis) people that'll find you attractive as who you are - Besides potential partners, this is also an important ego boost and should not be dismissed
- Setting clear boundaries is so important. I was treated like **** from my exes, now I recognize the patterns and call people out when they're being unfair or manipulative.
- Despite having multiple people I like or love that want to do sexy stuff with me, a lot of anxiety still kept me from having a fulfilled sex live. Most of them stemming from my ****** exes.


While I was dating closeted (most of the time also to myself, playing a role, you know the deal), I seemed to attract assholes. In retrospective, it's more that I let them stay that was the issue. By already playing a role I had a hard time knowing who I was. So I let other people tell me, forced myself into narratives and let them gladly walk all over me.


But the longer I have my community and healthier boundaries, am more able to communicate my needs openly, the more I am able to trust people again. And not being on edge all the time is a really great starting point for new connections.


So I guess finding someone you want to have a relationship (and who want's a relationship with you) is nice, but without coming to terms with yourself, enforcing your boundaries and addressing what the last relationship did to you emotionally, it doesn't solve anything.


I'm not saying you should out yourself full pride style and with flags in front of your house, leading a parade. Outing is a very individual choice and the safety of it all differs so much, depending on were you live etc.
But outing isn't an all or nothing thing, you can be mostly closeted, but still be part of a community to feel less alone. A place were you can be yourself and experiment on how it feels when others might be attracted to the real you.


There are people out there who will like and love you and find you attractive without you having to hide yourself.

And the connections you'll make with those people will be so much better, because they will be with you, and not someone you thing you should be.
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