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PrettyBoy17
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Member Since: Jun 2020
Location: Rural USA
Posts: 52
3 yr Member
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Default Sep 20, 2020 at 12:01 AM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks View Post
Hey PrettyBoy, I read a lot of my own anxieties in your post and to some extend, we share the same background (trans, same age, horrible exes, ..).


For me, I discovered:

- Dating while not being out is hell and makes everything worse
- Getting into the local queer community normalizes bodies like mine in my head and there will be (even cis) people that'll find you attractive as who you are - Besides potential partners, this is also an important ego boost and should not be dismissed
- Setting clear boundaries is so important. I was treated like **** from my exes, now I recognize the patterns and call people out when they're being unfair or manipulative.
- Despite having multiple people I like or love that want to do sexy stuff with me, a lot of anxiety still kept me from having a fulfilled sex live. Most of them stemming from my ****** exes.


While I was dating closeted (most of the time also to myself, playing a role, you know the deal), I seemed to attract assholes. In retrospective, it's more that I let them stay that was the issue. By already playing a role I had a hard time knowing who I was. So I let other people tell me, forced myself into narratives and let them gladly walk all over me.


But the longer I have my community and healthier boundaries, am more able to communicate my needs openly, the more I am able to trust people again. And not being on edge all the time is a really great starting point for new connections.


So I guess finding someone you want to have a relationship (and who want's a relationship with you) is nice, but without coming to terms with yourself, enforcing your boundaries and addressing what the last relationship did to you emotionally, it doesn't solve anything.


I'm not saying you should out yourself full pride style and with flags in front of your house, leading a parade. Outing is a very individual choice and the safety of it all differs so much, depending on were you live etc.
But outing isn't an all or nothing thing, you can be mostly closeted, but still be part of a community to feel less alone. A place were you can be yourself and experiment on how it feels when others might be attracted to the real you.


There are people out there who will like and love you and find you attractive without you having to hide yourself.

And the connections you'll make with those people will be so much better, because they will be with you, and not someone you thing you should be.
It makes sense but it's disappointing that being able to ever date is contingent on being out. I should have never been in a relationship in the first place...now I know what I'll be missing. Before my first real relationship, even though I was sad about it, I had accepted never being in a relationship. Now it's harder to accept.

I've never felt that comfortable in LGBTQ groups either...nor do I really feel accepted there either. I'm always the only one never comfortable enough to transition because it will just isolate me more from humanity than I already am. There was a bisexual group in the city I used to live in and it just felt uncomfortable being the one who had only been with one gender (and that just barely) because of lack of opportunity. So I'm not really part of the community. The only time I get a sense of community is if I stay completely closeted and less detectable and just fit in with the majority.

Also, I just have to say, my ex wasn't horrible. I mean, he was stupid, but he lacked the intent to do any harm. It was my fault for wanting to know what a relationship was like. I knew it was my one chance and sacrificing the opportunity to transition seemed like an okay trade since I didn't have too strong of a need to do so back then.

And where I am now, there is no LGBTQ community. I'd be surprised if there were any others anywhere around here. Hell, I'd be shocked if there were anyone my age who was single of any sexuality/gender around here. But it's not like I could find anyone in the city now anyway, so even if I wanted to, moving back wouldn't help. And I definitely have not had multiple people I liked/loved who was willing to have sex with me, let alone REALLY wanted to. I haven't been with anyone I was really attracted to either. Another reason I'm afraid to transition is because I know it'll increase my sex drive and I don't want to spend the rest of my life even more sexually frustrated and angry about it than I am. I guess most people can't understand that as they have more opportunities for sex and intimacy.

But at the end of the day, I'm more worried about practical things...like who do I use for emergency contacts? Who will be my beneficiary for my life insurance, pension etc.? What happens if I get injured or sick and can't adequately care for myself?
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