Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves
Some days, my voice comes through more strongly than others, and the words simply flow. I think I have given so many pieces of myself away, though, that words are all I have left.
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WOW! I am new here, and I find your writing truly intriguing and touching. Though I must admit, I should read it a few more times to fully grasp its depth. I too can empathize with the reference to looking in from the outside to "reality". This is my first dive into the alternate reality of online "connection". Isn't it ironic that, in a world with 7.8 billion people, we are more and more searching into the realm of virtual existences to find said "connection" and establish ourselves as beings in "communities". As well, I have given so many pieces of myself over time that I find words from the depth of my soul are all I have left, and while I can still be cordial and appear engaged in the world around me, internally, I feel void. I love my two children, but that too is a long story. A longing for a connection that may never be achieved. I have felt this way my whole life, and at 48 years old, it has been a long search. While I have made choices that have led to my current situation, those choices stem from a groundwork of traumatic childhood experiences, neglect, and subsequent roads that I have traveled as a result of trying to find some existence my heart tells me I should have, yet they were still my choices, somehow. That existence is nothing material, other than perhaps affording a home where I can be me, not tolerating toxic relationships. A place where I can be at peace with myself in silence without the noise of other's issues, chronic falsities, and negativities . I have enough of my own I would guess. I too do not take meds, nor do I drink or use recreational drugs. As painful as reality can be for me, I feel to deaden it with medication is to give up on who I am. I have been who I am since childhood, observing, feeling, and waiting. Perhaps some would consider it a form of arrogance or self-righteousness for me to believe that my struggles are real and not a manifestation or chemical imbalance that needs "treating" . That being said, to each his own. I am sure medication helps some, so they should have the help the desire. I am just me, putting myself out there, a silent observer, yet one who will reach out with my virtual hand to others. Perhaps somewhere in in the cosmos there is somewhere I belong, and until I find that location, I'll just "ride it out".
Thank you for sharing your feelings, thoughts, and words. You were heard!!!