HaveHope, have you ever heard the term "Dark night of the Soul"?
Personally, I see it as part of our old way of being as dying off or purging out. This allows for a glorious transformation to occur if you allow it.
While horrible to go thru, in hindsight, you will see it was worth it.

My own journey has been one of deep transformation. I've been brought to my knees many times, but all that pain has brought me to a place of grace, deep empathy, and a spiritual journey I absolutely love.

All this while dealing with being bipolar since my teens (not fun) and mostly unmedicated (again not fun). It has been an incredibly difficult painfilled life, in so many ways felt like a lifelong Dark night of the Soul. I can still cry when I think back on some of my most painful times, but they are tears of empathy for what I went thru, not tears of sorrow.

But I reap the rewards today.
Dark nights of the Soul are always worth it (in the end).