I don't believe I have a sexual addiction; however, living on the fringe of sexuality for as long as I have, one forms opinions about the topic, and please take it only as that. I wonder if some of those who deal with addictions such as have simply expanded the circle of their sexual experience farther and farther from whatever could be considered societally "normal," to such a degree that anything more tame is simply not interesting? I have noticed in my own experience that if I continue to pursue online pornography for long stretches of time (across months), eventually, Mia Lina ain't cutting it anymore and I'm looking for websites that end in .xxx or .xyz because such usually carry homemade pornography that is definitely more on the fringes of sexuality. That circle will continue to expand so long as I engage in it. If I stop for a week or two, it comes back in.

The only way I can describe it is to compare it to something I saw about meth addiction and cocaine. The documentary said that cocaine will give you a dopamine rush of n%, but meth will give you that same dopamine rush increased by a factor of five or ten, so here's cocaine way, way down on the chart, then heroin, and then off the chart completely is the dopamine spike for meth. When you do meth, all other sensational experience becomes pale and uninteresting because you have gotten such a huge dopamine spike, that nothing else compares. You have to be off meth for years before that median baseline normal returns to your senses. I can't help but think this is what medievalbushman mentioned about how that addiction will burn pathways in your brain and reinforce them in another thread, only this is the other half of the coin. Physically, it's burning a path in your brain, and psychologically, you find yourself seeking more and more the absolute extremes to satisfy the urge. I often think of my own sexuality in such a way, and it is a source of unending frustration because I want to be satisfied with the simple, and yet, never am. I always want moar. "I need more and more taboo things to keep me satisfied." <--- This. All day. (((Kalynnxx))) And I understand the panic attacks. I don't get them, but will occasionally get anxiety attacks right after, as though the one side of me is saying, "Dude, wtf is wrong with you, dumbass?" while the other is laughing and walking away from the mess, having been satiated one more day.

I still don't think my issues rise to the level of addiction, but are nonetheless co-morbid with other factors such as me likely being a borderline personality, the depression and anxiety and institutionalization of sitting 13 years in the joint from the time I was 20...isolation is an old friend of mine, and isolation and porn addiction go hand-in-hand. Or perhaps my addiction has never risen to such a high state of frenzy, for which I'll say I'm therefore grateful. If it ever got that bad, I think I'd have more to worry about because my reaction to perceived errors in thinking is to self-harm. It's almost like the one half of me wants to jump on the side of what I perceive would be everyone looking at me oddly, only that side of me would be cheering, like, "Yeah, you stupid ***! Look at yourself! Pathetic!" lol Even saying that aloud stirs those emotions, and that tells me I am very much spot-on with my self-assessment. It's like, I want to punish myself in anticipation of possible future consequences so I can say, "You see? I take it as seriously as you, and hate it just as much!" to the phantom crowds of judgmental people I imagine in these scenarios where I get caught for something because I really do hate it, and at the same time...What did Michael Corleone say? "I keep trying to get out, and [it] keeps dragging me back in."

Plus, there's a lot of sexual abuse in my past. I wish I had advice to offer you in my ten extra years on this earth, but so far, I haven't found anyone or anything to satisfy. One reason I constantly seek companionship is because I have an idea of finding someone else who is as sexual as I am because I know within the confines of a relationship, I would easily overcome this issue, whatever it is for me. Yes, this is most likely tied up in my co-dependency issues. But they would keep me safe, and I would have someone to find things to do with besides constant sex (because that shtako gets old after a while, and then you're back to porn), and because the younger women I am interested in all seem to chase that which I run from, and I don't want someone merely for sex. I don't want to open that door because I know what will happen if I do. Finding someone whom you can trust with the shadows behind the mask, and who has a strong enough personality to push back against them without fear, is something I fear I will never have because of all the issues relating to my dysfunctional sexuality. I literally look to others to set boundaries for me because I have more respect for the boundaries of others (out of fear of losing them from my life) than I have for the boundaries I set against the other half of me, that side I refer to as a wolf. How pathological is that? lmao There is a reason I am Niizh Mai'ingan, Two Wolves; the fight occurs regardless of how tired I am or that I want to quit. It's like that music video for Believer by Imagine Dragons during the bridge where the music stops and Dan Reynolds tells Dolph Lundgren, "I want to stop," and Dolph replies, "I know. But, we can't."