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puzzclar
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Member Since: Jan 2010
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 05:05 PM
 
I've had some extra studies to do, and the instructor wants more. It seems to me that she wants perfection. I'm not perfect, nor can I be. I am doing the best I can, and this instructor wants even more..... It seems like too much is working against me. When I read the email requesting another meeting to discuss another need, it felt like my heart breaking into thousands of pieces. I've struggled for 15, flipping years with this mental health crap. Being blaimed for everything that as happened. Yet I have been working my ***** off. I'm angry!!!!!

I'm scared, frustrated with not just myself, but my parents. I know I need healing but it seems like the instructor wants healing RIGHT NOW!!! Excuse me but it takes time. Behavior change happens one small step at a time. I can't rush through this. Stop telling me that I can't, and start believing that I can and will do everything in my power to be what you think I need to be. But deep down, that is violating some boundaries, just like my parents did. I"m not respected. I"m judged because of a diagnosis.... IT"S NOT FAIR!!! Don't blame this on me, and don't expect it to happen over night.

As a society, we need to change the view of mental illness.. Some of you may not agree but, the medical model is a HUGE waste of time when it comes to mental illness. I need, just like others, emotional stability and instead not enough people know about emotions and It remains hidden, like its something that is just bad, or wrong, or different.

Change happens slowly to be sustainable. My instructor seems to think that one assignment would be what I need, but I have news for her... It's daily consistent effort on identifying emotins. As assignment may start the process, but its' already started. What I am doing just doesn't seem enough. IT makes me think that I am not enough, which is NOT what I need.

NOw I don't know what to do to help others believe that change takes time. It's not a magic wand. Yet there is such a stigma that professionals have to be whole, complete, and a role model. It does help for some but others need to know that they are not alone.

Then there are the what if's that are flowing in my head, "what do I do to show them, what if I can't show them, Then what???" I have been questioning every turn of my education. And now, I wonder if I'm doing whats best for me, or if there is another motivation behind my actions/behaviors. My "mental illness" has controlled my life. And yet it's not just me, we as humans need to treat others better. To keep up the work ethic and get off the couch more... and yet here I sit on my couch. I"m just frustrated. I need to cook too. I need to study. But I just had to get this out. Mental Illness stigma needs to DIE!!
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