I feel like I should elaborate and explain a little more. Well, I want to, anyway:

Before the pandemic, was when she would not get back to me in texts. Then when the pandemic started, she wanted to get together, and I would always leave things open for her, in case she "Wanted an out" but she never seemed to want one. I was confused too, of all her friends (she has a lot, and does a lot of activities and has 2 jobs), why she chose me to do this with. (that could just be low self esteem talking, I don't know). But during this pandemic, so far she's been very there for me. I even called her a couple times in tears when I was stressed about somethings (not having to do with her).


So this feels like she is reverting back to her old self of being more flakey and distant. It certainly could be an ebb in her flow. I don't completely understand her, she does not let me in on everything that goes on with her.


I don't mean to seem stuck on this. I'm really not. We are supposed to talk tomorrow and thank you guys for reading my post and responding. It helped. I don't think she's going to reject me anymore. Especially because she wants to talk.


I just don't know what her deal is. She's had other friends before where they've been close, and then she will pull away. I witnessed it with another woman and her a few years ago. Theyw ee so buddy buddy, and then I heard her telling people that this woman was clingy and too much for her. This woman actually died this year. I'm not sure what happened, but I heard she was depressed and I was wondering "the worst" about the way this woman died, but I never found out how she died, as I was not close to this woman and my friend did not disclose this to me, she just said "We were not close. I'm just glad she's with her husband now." (this woman's husband had passed away a few years ago before her). To me, my friend's response just seemed weird and a little cold. Because I had thought they were such good friends, or at least they used to be. I think *I* was more affected by her death than my friend. But maybe they weren't that close and maybe I'm just passing judgment. I'm just curious about my friend's process with friends.


I have to admit, maybe I think the worst about her sometimes. She sells for an MLM / pyramid scheme type corp, and I thought she was smarter than that. But she loves this company. Maybe she just wants to sell to people and when they don't buy from her she drops them. I must be the worst to think this. Or just have a really weird imagination.


She also has a very close friend who is her boyfriend's ex.


Her bf's ex clearly still has feelings for her boyfriend. And her boyfriend treats this woman like ****. I find myself wondering why my friend wants to be friends with this woman, as its clearly not healthy for this woman, or, my friend maybe.


Anyway, yes, I'm analyzing right now lol.


I'm going to make notes before I talk to my friend tomorrow so I don't sound any way other than I intend. I want to be kind. I hope she wants to be kind too.


Another thing though, her close friend (her boyfriend's ex,) is very much like me, in that she's insecure. But my friend jumps to make her calm and assure her. Yet when she acts this way with me, and I get uncomfortable, she doesn't seem to care. Maybe she doesn't know how she's affecting me.


I feel like I've just "gone along with" whatever closeness she wants between us (close / not close), and maybe I should have a say too. I can't make someone be close with me of course and I would not ever want that. But if this ebb and flow is the way its going to be (that is IF thats what this even is, I have no idea what she's going to say), I might not be there for her the next time she wants to be close and spend more time together. Though I'd still be her friend.


I think I need to stop focusing on this now. It's best to go do other things and live my life. I'm not sure it's worth anymore writing. Though it felt good to get that stuff out.