There's something really interesting about psychedelics that really draws me in...

Why? Why???

I must study these plants and read esoteric philosophy..... Or do something.. Find connections and patterns about them.. And the caveman paintings and ancient ruins of prior civilizations, shaman spirits and magic..

But schizzoooo?? No? It should be good. One odd thing is that I was put on antipsychotics for schizophrenia before I ever tried drugs. Then I used psychedelics.. Another odd thing is that stimulants don't give me psychosis - I also respond very well to antipsychotics.

But in all seriousness, what really pissed me off was that the video chat person said that I had to basically justify my whole existence...

They're drugs! Illegal!! I am unworthy of appreciation or respect because I'm extremely curious? And the whole realm of them being illegal is another mystery to me.

I keep following these mysteries. Many people work day in day out - Go home, take care of children, be a husband/wife, watch tv, AND CONSUME PRODUCTS.

Are we not going to eventually get the sword and stab the belly of the corporate dragon and have freedom?

I'm telling you guys.. There's a madness inside of me.. Why? Because all of this stuff - Western civilization, viruses, the stock market/money, poverty, environmental destruction, family problems, suffering.. It's all in my mind. I know a lot of ****.

But people are like "Ah do one or two things and focus" NO. I TRY. I try to attempt making a life directional goal but it's a piece of the puzzle. I want to know the deep mystery.. I want to CHEAT.

The matrix, second chances, revival such as medicine and curing cancer.. Vaccines, conspiracies, aliens, government, mind control..

Am I grounded? Do I sound grounded? Maybe I'm only sick/unwell if I ADMIT to the insanity that everyone goes through. EVERYONE... That has some sort of consciousness.. Ah the Hard Problem of Consciousness.. That's really it.

I suppose I do need to just focus on small bits and pieces and live a mundane slow painful meaningless life. I needed more meaning than most at school.. Because I was smart.. I'm not sure if I'm STILL as smart as I was... But life in general - I can see through the game. "Don't ruin our fun you robot" !! - What? I'm just a really risky person.. I want to feel alive and need to be reminded often about gratitude and focus..

Rarely I get excited about anything. I like breaking rules yet I want to belong to the tribe.. So I go through the grey areas all of the time..