[bizi]

Started not drinking on the 22nd saturday.
Took my meds as prescribed. Still not sleeping well.
I am getting off a tranquilizer that I took for sleep. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time sleeping....hoping that I am not getting ready to have an episode since we leave in a week.
sigh
bizi
who struggles with mental health issues....addictions.

[bizi]

I am agitated/antzy.
not good.
bizi
I hope I can sleep tonight.....

[bizi]

I finally slept last night!
bizi

[bizi]

Met with my sponsor...she basically gave me a choice to either buy the big book and start reading it or find a new sponsor.
I don't want to read the big book.She figured out how controlling I am. She said you have to find some higher power to work the steps.
After I left I was angry. I like her so don't want to lose her but can't do the big book. I am an atheist.
I was going to say just f*** it and said that I was going to go to fat pats for a drink.screw it!....I drove over there and went in and then went to the bathroom. I said to myself. Just because I came here doesn't mean I have to stay and drink. I really want to lose weight and drinking beers I gain.
So I left and came home. Success!
I put on 50 pounds in 4 years drinking fattening beers.
2 people I know lost over 50 pounds doing the keto diet in 4 months time.
Thank you for reading. truly a success tonight!
bizi

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by bizi

Met with my sponsor...she basically gave me a choice to either buy the big book and start reading it or find a new sponsor.
I don't want to read the big book.She figured out how controlling I am. She said you have to find some higher power to work the steps.
After I left I was angry. I like her so don't want to lose her but can't do the big book. I am an atheist.
bizi

Congrats on not drinking to soothe a negative emotion!! I don't think AA is the only way to stop drinking. I think all of AA's "higher power" stuff could also be about accepting things that we can't control.

I don't consider myself an atheist but, sometimes I do doubt if there is a God and because of this--I empathize, understand and feel like people have a right to not believe. I even believe that an atheist might be more "honest" than some believers but also think it is a type of black and white thinking to be sure about the existence of God. I mean faith is about believing in things unseen. Hope I am not being too preachy--it is just that it seems so judgemental in a bad way to say you must believe. That is not good spirituality or morals from my POV. I can see why you felt angry!

Anyways--you can do this--you don't need AA if they aren't accepting of what you are and believe.

[splitimage]

Bizi,

Well done on leaving Fat Pats and not drinking. That shows you can do it, when you set your mind to it.

As you probably know, i have a lot of problems with AA, but when I was early in my sobriety joourney, I was heavily involved. There's no way to have a sponsor in AA and not read the big book, it's the basis of the program. I'm personally an aetheist, and I didn't find the Big Book overly preachy - that tended to come from other members.

If you don't want to do AA, but still want some support, there's Women for Sobriety, and Smart Recovery.

Good luck finding something that fits.

splitimage

[bizi]

Ok, so last night I felt like she was giving me an ultimatum but tonight after the atheist AA meeting that she was there also. WE talked, and I guess she will allow another book. It is the womens 12 step that I just got in. I will work the steps and she agreed to continue seeing me. I like her. I believe I can learn from her. So 6pm on tuesdays is set.
bizi

[splitimage]

Bizi,

Just a suggestion, but if you're doing the steps, you might want to buy a copy of "The 12 steps and 12 Traditions.' It goes into each step in a lot more detail, and is not overly preachy except in those steps that directly refer to God.


It's sometimes called the 12&12, and I really like it.

Even though I don't do AA anymore, I sometimes still read the 12&12 and find it helpful.

splitimage

[bizi]

Thank you split.
I bought the womans way to the 12 steps...am going to use that.
bizi

[splitimage]

Bizi,

That's a really good book. I used it too, and found it really helpful. Did you just get the book or did you also get the workbook? I liked the workbook.

splitimage

[bizi]

It has been a week alcohol free (this time).
Am about finished with the "12 steps without God", book.
I am writing these steps into the book of the woman's way to the 12 steps. Have not started the work book yet. I will bring this book when I meet with Carol again in a couple of weeks. There is not a lot of room to write the passages though. I wish I had post it notes!
Have been Alcohol free on vacations before...this will be a challenge.
Weighed 184.1 this morning. My goal is to lose weight!

Will follow a low carb diet while there, except for my mothers birthday celebration weekend on the 6th.

Leaving Monday, we will get into Indy late wednesday evening.. South Bend is a 2& 1/2 hour drive north. Think we should get there around noon on saturday unless mom wants help on friday that is. I don't want to stress her out. I will be bringing a chicken salad sandwich platter and beer.
The open house is from 2-4 on saturday, then folks will come back to moms house for a light supper. 3 of 4 nieces and nephew will be there so that is great along with a few friends of mom from out of town. There should be around 35 people at the restaurant/open house, not sure how many will go to moms after words. She just found out about it yesterday, sis had sent her an invitation. Dad did not want her to worry too long so wanted to give this notice to her with about a 10 days to get ready....

He texted us that she is looking forward to the party!
It will be a mini reunion. A couple of her friends are coming from the carolinas so this will be a big surprise!

This year we will stay 2 nights in memphis. We are going to the civil rights museum and will take a tour at Graceland, Elvis's home. I have never been there before. This will be the first time spending 2 nights there. We have been making this trip twice a year for 18 years. For the past few yeras we have been going up to celebrate fathers day. But this year it is later because of the timing of her party.


Started making a list of things to bring. In 3 days we leave. Monday we will be driving my car as it gets better gas mileage and more importantly I can't really drive Jeffs car. (it is a 6 speed and I can't put it into 6th gear). We will take turns driving my car. I have a couple of books to bring. The drive is about 7 hours each day, sometimes longer due to traffic. Will try to hit the road before 10 but that never happens. Usually on the interstate by 10:30am.
Got up early this morning, had a difficult time sleeping. Somehow I hurt my neck. Was tossing and turning and just decided to get up. Have a hair appointment this morning for a color and a cut. Wonder who I will have because my regular stylist is out today. I frequent the beauty school for such services. Usually I can have the same student for a few months at a time. I get my hair colored monthly.

I work tomorrow seeing the last clients before we leave.

Need to take a shower and have plenty of time to do that. I won't wash my hair as they say it is better to go in with dirty hair...the color is better. Don't understand that but I try to follow their instructions. It is definitely dirty full of hair spray.
Will post this and get into the shower.
bizi
Thanks for reading and have a good day!

[TunedOut]

Congrats on no alcohol!

You seem to have a busy social life--that's wonderful except that I realize it means more temptations.

I'm getting my hair colored and cut today but have to ride my bike there because H and I share a car (since he has work and a doctor appointment, it's easier to ride my bike but will be fairly hot with a chance of rain).

[bizi]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Congrats on no alcohol!

You seem to have a busy social life--that's wonderful except that I realize it means more temptations.

I'm getting my hair colored and cut today but have to ride my bike there because H and I share a car (since he has work and a doctor appointment, it's easier to ride my bike but will be fairly hot with a chance of rain).

When I get up that early I tend to have diarrhea of the mouth.
Have a great day!
thanks for posting and reading my thread!
bizi

[bizi]

We lost power tonight for only 45 minutes but it was unknown when it happened how long it would be out..Jeff lit candles and we got out our table coleman lantern and did some paper work....need to do some billing to get caught up before we leave.
I have not been sleeping well and feel really anxious tonight,

antzy can sit still legs are moving.
Don't like this at all.
I hope that my mood stays stable...though I think I am getting hypomanic.
Hope I sleep tonight.
bizi

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by bizi

When I get up that early I tend to have diarrhea of the mouth.

Some days I have diarrhea of the mouth all day long!! I post too much too on those days. Yesterday was like that for me. I hope I am in better control of myself today!!!

[bizi]

Slept about 6 hours last night. not enough.Since I stopped(pdoc took me off) klonipin I have not been sleeping well.
Am afraid that I am cycling.
bizi
I work today.

[bizi]

I am not sleeping well, hard to get to sleep. Usually takes an hour or so. I need to get to bed earlier then I have been. My to do list is getting smaller.
I need to finish billing and charting and make a small deposit today....though it doesn't have to be done before we leave. I just would like to have it done. Like the laundry, I could have waited for that and done just one load, bras, panties and socks. Scrubs could have waited as we get back saturday. Have a whole day off before working again. So I planned this trip better for me this time. I feel less rushed.
Weighed 183 this morning so down a couple of pounds which makes me happy. Today makes day 8 days Alcohol free. I have many books to read on our travels about giving up alcohol for good.

bizi

[bizi]

I will be gone for 2 weeks
thanks for your support!
bizi

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by bizi

Weighed 183 this morning so down a couple of pounds which makes me happy. Today makes day 8 days Alcohol free. I have many books to read on our travels about giving up alcohol for good.

bizi

[splitimage]

Have fun on your trip.