Daily Check In #3

Desoxyn,

Not sure which benzo's you're taking or the daily amount, but I'm currently doing a very slow taper off my clonazepam on an outpatient basis. My pdoc, is using the Ashton manual as a guide for the taper. Google it. Of course success with the taper is entirely dependent on my ability to stay with the prescribed dose each day.


Just know that it is possible to get off them without going through a hellish withdrawal.

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Awesome news bizi and splits! 6 weeks, 6 months - I should have posted 2 days ago when it was 666 days (cue Gregorian chant music). Still smooth sailing lately as far as ny issues with urges or whatnot, though the job is still in peril.

Doing really good. I haven't craved any alcohol or cigarettes (even though there is a fresh pack in my bag). I think it's more of a "out of sight, out of mind" thing at this point.

Thank you. This guide gave me a lot of good information. I must have been taking around 1.5mg xanax a day for a month. I'll try to cold turkey. If that doesn't work then I'll tell my doctor the evils of which I have done...

cocaine.....

If I have over 125 extra Xanax and I am prescribed 2 a day, then I don’t think I have a huge problem. I pray to God my doctor never decides to take me off it because it will be a disaster. I never had an issue when I was on Ativan for 8 years. I developed a dependency on Xanax a couple weeks after starting it.

I tried going one day without it and I had horrible anxiety along with diarrhea as well. It wasn’t good and I honestly don’t know how I can go off it completely if I have to.

It's been 3 days since I took any benzo. So I'm doing good. I just have to be careful.. cuz i need it for panic attacks..

I think I'd end up in the psych ward if I didn't have the occasional benzo to stop me from going insane by not being able to stand the panic attacks any longer..

I'm annoyed and disappointed in myself and others.

Had a small cocaine and xanax binge yesterday but today I will be sober..

Desoxyn, do you know what triggered the binge?
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bad day beer and weed with bf but refused cracking for first time

Good job on refusing!!

I'm back to day 2.....

My mom drinking and the fact that she could die of heart arrhythmia. All the people partying and drinking and talking about how they snorted cocaine in the past. My mom being with a married man too.

Also the past and what my step dad did to my life the fact that my little sister is going to go to college or university soon and I failed even though I finished high school late because of being in and out of the hospital all the time I feel like everyone has given up on me and I wish I could start over again.

Also I just crave intense hits of things like an impulsive thing.. cigarettes.. I just want to have a good life and I feel like I failed at everything and I'm a loser and no one likes me but they do I just have a hard time DOING THINGS like reading, watching movies.. I can't do normal things because of my cognition..

My psychedelics have arrived but I won't use them.. I ordered them because I had a really trippy dream and wanted to trip..

It's hard being a dark web drug addict.. Normal addicts just go to a dealer but I can just make a few clicks on the web and I instantly get any drug I want..

I flushed my cocaine =]

Now I just need to solve the benzo problem. I will try to go two weeks without. That's when peak withdrawal happens. If I can survive that, I'm good. If I can't, I'll have to be medically tapered.

Hang in there, Desoxyn. One of the hardest things to do is remember that we can't always depend on others. Welcome their help when offered but try to be your own best advocate. We are always works in progress; keep pushing for the goal and try not to dwell on the perceived failure.

I love the little numerical sequences that give me a milestone, but I keep forgetting to check for them and post. yesterday was day 678.

Desoxyn,

I'm sorry you feel like your life isn't go anywhere. If you manage to kick the drugs, that will indeed be a major accomplishment. Just be careful with the benzo withdrawal - you don't want to risk a seizure. Know that I'm cheering for you.

Updownaround. Way to go on the fun numeric milestone.

I'm hanging in despite having major stressors - I'm in the process of evicting my room mate.


Hope you all have a good and sober Mon.

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On this Sunday coming up it’s 1,400days also 3 years 10months clean and sober.

It’s hot or considerably muggy outside this week it got up to 23C/73F which felt like 27C/80F today. So my AC is going in my apartment and it’s not cold but just right.

Way to go Greentires. 1,400 days is a great number.


i had my own small victory today. I went for my bone density test, required for all women who've turned 50, and had to give a medical history.

They asked about alcohol abuse, and I said historically I abused alcohol but was now sober 6 months. They were really nice and congratulatory about it. But that being said, heavy drinking is a major risk factor for low bone density. Now to wait for the results.

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I know I said that I don't count days but I think counting days sober would be good for me because it works for you guys..

No worries I don't think I've taken enough Xanax to get seizures.. just muscle tension sleepless nights and craving of more benzos.

I slept 2 hours in the past 48 hours. I want to sleep so I took a double shot of rum, 0.5mg Xanax rescue dose (Which I should have been taking the whole time instead of like 2-3mg at once..), a 50mg Atenolol (Beta blocker to slow my heart to 70bpm), 100mg of Seroquel, two fish oil pills and a vitamin C.

Slightly dangerous, maybe.. But I want to sleep. It's because the Vyvanse maybe hasn't worn off, I drank a coffee when I shouldn't have (I thought it wouldn't affect me) and I took a 2.5mg THC gummy in the evening.

With the THC, when I want drift into sleep, I wake right back up. It happened like 10 times when I tried to sleep for two hours and failed.

I'm applying for a job and keeping up with my therapist and will keep up with my addictions counsellor. I may have to tell him the truth and withdraw from benzos medically.

I just feel so ashamed for buying Xanax when my doctor gives me Ativan whenever I need. I feel soooo ashamed and defeated.

But one day I'll count my days sober. And I'll be really proud of myself. I'm really proud of you guys for going hundreds of days sober. I couldn't even imagine myself like that. I can in a spiritual way.. And the people that slipped up, please don't feel bad. I feel bad.

The things are kicking in and I might try to sleep.. I feel a little sad.. Have a good night everyone..