Daily Check In #3

Started the aftercare group at the hospital yesterday. It's a small group, and I liked all the members. Just by fluke, everyone seems to be around my age or slightly older. Two of the people in the group, I already knew because I'd done rehab with them in the past.


It was also a really interesting group. The first part was a check in, then we had a break, and then talked about relapse triggers.

I'm glad I decided that I want to go.

splitimage

I reached out to a friend in the program, and sponsor.

I can't cut hours. I only have so many that are given. And I work 15-17 hours a week.

I don't know any other way besides being hard on myself.

Have you ever done positive affirmations before?
We are what we think so we must think differently.
If you think negative thoughts that interfers with your sense of worth self esteem.
If you live in the past that is not helpful. learning to live day to day is a skill we can learn. Worrying about the future is futile too....never know what tomorrow will bring.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

So, anxiety has been a problem for me today. Had a teeny bit more than usual past week since cutting back to 4 cans but today is just another level.

Almost tempted to start drinking earlier since it’ll probably go away then but I want to stick to my schedule.

Just have to tough it out for another hour and a half. Lame.

Will bring this up at my appointment on Friday. I think they’ll refer me to the doctor there and I guess some sort of medication may be on the cards.

Strange how it just seemed to come out of nowhere today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I'm doing good. No drugs. Taking meds as prescribed. Two weeks since I quit smoking.

I almost went back to drinking today my apartment had a fire and I almost punched a dude in the face for thinking someone did on purpose. So most of the morning I walked around my town in pjs and now I am at my doctors in clothes there is water damage in my suite. I don’t see why the fire was at the other side of the building. It shouldn’t be in my suite.

Anyways 1425 days sober.

greentires,
I'm sorry about the fire, I'd find that both scary and annoying. That sucks that you have water damage, the fire dept. probably soaked the whole building to prevent the fire from spreading. Do you have insurance to cover the damage?

And congrats on the milestone.

splitimage

Nothing has been ruined yet but they said the more it sits the worse it gets.

Survived a cook out without drinking. At the dinner table we talked about certain chain of events being 2 years ago when I thought it was a year ago.
I think that I missed a lot by drinking over the years. My memory is horrible anyway and then on top of that to have missed so much....very sad.
We had one guest, Paul rode his bike over here so he could drink and not have to worry about a DUI.
One of my friends who I came out to last week asked me how I knew that I was an alcoholic? I told her that When I realized that last friday night I had drank the equivalent of 8 beers and drove home. That was the turning point for me. One week ago today:

So June 1st is my day one sober day.
I have done 6 weeks off for lent before but never intending to say good bye for good. the longest I have done with out alcohol is 5 1/2 months.
But I never wanted to give it up for good. It was always in my mind that I could drink moderately. But I can't do that, I have tried and failed so many times. So I will give up alcohol and reach for a sober life.
bizi

bizi,
I'm really happy you've reached this decision, and want to encourage you in your sober journey.

As you probably know, I've struggled off and on with sobriety for years. I always want to go back to moderating and fail miserably.

The decision to stop entirely is not easy, but I do think that ultimately it's easier than the on again, off again yo-yo.

I'm here for you for support if you need it.

splitimage

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts bizi and I hope you find sobriety to be a good decision. I know I have. Drinking and using for me leads to feeling su. But I would drink and use when I was feeling su to numb the pain so I wouldn't do anything. That's the insanity of the disease of addiction for me. I don't want to feel so I drink and it works for a bit but then I feel worse from the drinking. I learned eventually that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to give up the substances.

The longest I've had is two and a half years. I had various periods of time under that also, but I'm at four and a half months right now. I still struggle with su thoughts and have been in the hospital a couple times recently to adjust my meds. But life is still better than when I was drinking and using.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

@childofchaos831

Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate you.
I have periods of abstaining but never addressed my underlying issues. So this is what I hope the 12 steps will do.
bizi

@splitimage

I just saw this response tonight....thank you for this. I am hopeful that it is time to just quit for good. I told my mom the other day. Don't think she was surprised.....She drinks too much inorder for her to "get to sleep".
anyway.
thank you for your support.
bizi

When I was a hard core alcoholic I used to have to smoke pot to get to sleep because I drank way too much.

On Wednesday is my 3 years 11months and it will be exactly 30days to my next milestone of 4 years.

People aren’t leaving me alone as usual the constant knocks or buzz to my intercom have left me feeling like ****, because I am olzanapine odt which makes a person sleep for 12-15hours a day. And have such bad insomnia that people feel the need to knock and knock at my door. When I just want to be left alone case in point they are knocking right now and they knocked an hour ago as well. I have the right to not to answer. I am in lots of physical pain and getting out of bed to answer the door makes the pain worse. I cannot understand what they are saying on the end of the door my AC is going but I do understand they are there. It’s the same amount of pain I feel every single day, but because no understands what I am going through they tell me to visit the ER or take a pill. I take lots of pills none of which I pop for fun. This pain is osteoarthritis in my vertebrae of my spine I am often pushing through copious amounts of pain. My addiction to alcohol seems to be justified to me I was doing it to take away the pain in my spine that went unnoticed until last February 2018 with the diagnosis of arthritis from L1-L5. Then March 2019 A diagnosis of more arthritis in T10-T11 and shocker was the osteoarthritis part. I have lots of arthritis more then a person needs to find out at 33.

Ugh.

I’m just going to lay here until something happens.

@greentires4me Have you ever tried swimming. they say it really helps with arthritis pain. Supposed to keep moving to help ease the pain.
bizi

sorry you are in such pain.

I'm tired of this. It's been 1 year since acting out with a guy. I want to be rid of this but I find myself in need of additional support.

@bizi

The local pool is closed due to renovations and the outdoor pool is free but since being on disability the bus to take myself to get there I would still have to walk there 4km from the bus stop. I am also allergic to chlorine so the only salt water pool is downtown in the city in kits beach. Getting anywhere is a challenge when I have to walk or take public transit to get there especially an all day outing in hot weather especially these days I’m finding it harder to regulate my own temperature. And every lake is far away from home base. Tomorrow’s heat index is suppose to hit 33C (91F) with humidity of 55%. I have AC unit I am lucky but not many people have that at all. Wednesday is suppose to hit 35C (95F). I have appointments both those days and have to venture out into the heat. We didn’t get spring we instantly had summer May was hotter and had less and less rain.

Is there a local mall where you could just walk? It would be cool and good exercise. I am just brain storming.....
good luck with your md appointments this week. Be careful in the heat. could you bring water with you?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Greentires, I'm sorry you're in so much arthritis pain - that must be horrible. And I hear you on the heat. It hasn't gotten hot yet here, but when it does it's brutal. And I don't have air conditioning at home. I'm glad you at least have that. Be careful venturing out in the heat and transit, the last thing you need is heat stroke.

And congratulations on your 3 years, 11 months. That's awesome. I look forward to celebrating 4 years with you, a month from now.

splitimage

Being with a man intimately is not acting out.

You are being way too hard on yourself.
(((((HUGS)))))

I am here to offer support anytime.
bizi