Daily Check In #3

@splitimage congratulations!
bizi

55 days!!

Celebrated my 60 days sober at AA last week and have a home group now. Feeling pretty good within myself, tbh. Glad to be reconnected to people and a spiritual program.

Yesterday I hit 1,500 days sober from alcohol.

I moderate this group on Facebook called drug addiction/mental illness support there is about 2k in members. I spend my time on social media accepting members and reading posts to post. I made a post the other night talking about all the series of pills I am taking just able to function day in and day out. Nothing I am abusing by the way. A few people piped up that I needed to stop all the array of medication I am on that it’s slowly killing me and that by doing this I wouldn’t have so many problems in life. I thought to myself I am not abusing the medication I take daily to function which is mostly meds for my mental health. I also have array of meds for medical issues as well. It’s like telling someone with type 1 diabetes to stop taking insulin because it’s killing them. It seems like even people on social media are ill informed.

greentires4me, congrats on the 1500 days. That's definitely a cool number.

Sorry you got flack on meds., I've found that, that's actually pretty common in some recovery circles. It seems to me most prevalent in NA, where every pill is bad, seems to be the thinking, but I've run into it a lot in AA too. That's why the only 12 step support group I go to is Double Recovery where everyone has mental health issues as well as addiction.

splitimage

I like SMART recovery groups I used to bus out to over the River it was like 2 buses and a sky train to get there and coming back it was one bus and sky train because I cab it to the sky train bus the bus didn’t run after a certain hour.

Those were the days though I don’t attend recovery groups now at the start of when I tried being sober and after my dad dying I wanted to remain sober I would do that.

16 days since my last cigarette! My lungs feel clear.

I put my 750mg CBD into 30x 25mg capsules. I bought 7g of CBD and will put it into 280x 25mg capsules so it will last like 6 months. I'll save 500 dollars because it's on sale instead of just buying bottles of 30x 25mg capsules because I bought my own capsules and have a mg weighing scale. It helps with muscle relaxation. I have to be stoned to put them into capsules or else I get bored. It's like a meditation thing.

I also bought pineapple express wax for my DMT pen.

I'm starting to crave cocaine after that lady did a line of coke in my bathroom...

:/ :/ :/ :\ ;\ ;\ ;/

I bought cocaine.

I want to be sober but sometimes I just want to let go.. I never party.. I have no friends.. I'm always thinking about my future.. I just want to have fun.... I'm depressed and want to be happy..

I tried to cancel my cocaine order but it wouldn't let me

havent been on here for a while, posting or lurking.. times are getting rough again.. end of August so ive been primarily sober for almost 11 months. i have had drinks a few times (4) in that time since the end of October 2018 but im not gonna crash and give myself new sobriety dates every time i drink a half a beer or 2 beers. ive been clean since then after ruining jobs, relationships friendships and my marriage, not from outside pressure, or because or societal norms but because i was so fed up with my own manure, and the literal monster i was becoming every time i got drunk i didnt know who i was anymore..
My relationship with my boyfriend(?) ex? now roommate? is horrid. he is still a full time drinker, and shows me daily why i dont want to drink.. a reminder why i quit..
he talks to me and puts me down, calls me weak, mental midget says i blame my mental illness on everything etc.. since ive been sober i have literally done a 180 in my life. off psych meds, working, in therapy, treating other health problems, eating better, dumped toxic friends, ... now im a hypocrite a user a loser, i have severe chronic pain issues and go to work every ay but complain.. I HURT!! but everything is constantly about him, he works harder does more pays more everything more... i think he hates me because i chose to quit drinking and evole away.. we met as heavy drinkers and he sinks into the bottle the second he gets out of work.. drinks as much as he thinks he can get away with before work.. he makes more than me, budgets for booze for 2 weeks between paychecks and expects me to pay the differnce even tho i make like 150+ less per pay period... im so frustrated an feel there is so much injustice.. but cannot afford an apartment by myself.. no friends to room with. and roommates are pretty icky. im no contact with family. rents here are not cheaper than what i already have. sigh

Just realized this is today... Might go to a meeting where I can get a chip for 7 mos...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Congratulations childofchaos831!!!

Way to go childofchaos. Keep up the great work.
splitimage

When I looked up at the stars, I said to myself, "I should have ordered DMT instead of coke". I went to cancel my order for coke when I got home from the gas station and it wouldn't let me. So I used to the rest of the money to order 250mg heroin.

I thought to myself, "Wtf am I doing?". The next day, a friend wanted to chill so I went over to his house and we smoked a really nice sativa strain. It got me very high and I loved it. Laughing and watching a movie. Then my mom texted me and said that I must come home because she knows I've been smoking POT (Her friend texted her - Which is my pot friends gf. She's 45 and he's 29 so she thought it was weird that we were hanging out cuz I'm 23) or else she would come get me.

My mom said that I would get psychosis if I smoke weed cuz I have schizophrenia. But I mean come on.. I can handle psychosis.. I have PRN antipsychotics etc.. I know what I'm doing. But maybe I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I am a little insane. So I told her about the coke and heroin and she guilt tripped me saying the money could help her with her breast cancer, she doesn't want to die and I chose to risk death with these drugs so I cried and my sister and mom were looking at me and it looked like a movie cuz I was stoned. Kinda creepy and scary it looked but I shrugged it off.

I told my friends friend about doing low dose psychedelics cuz I "know too much" and they laughed cuz idk.. It's true. They do psychedelics and it would be cool to hang out with them. The 29 year old was still living with his parents and his parents were cool with me talking about weed and psychedelics. Meh.

Today I had to clean up the kitchen like I do every day and my sister keeps leaving dishes for me to do like she hates me. She said I wasn't nice to her when she was a child but she was annoying af. Now we're close but this disconnection of my mom always drinking alcohol every day and not taking her cancer seriously, denying it, not taking her heart medication properly brings me to addiction. That loss of connection and my irritability and agitation from withdrawal of phenibut and maybe rare doses of benzos are catching up to me.

I try to be spiritual but I'm interested in death, the afterlife, psychedelics, schizophrenia (Losing touch with reality), reality, brainwashing, conspiracies, the government, stupid people and their opinions, social media depression of people, the stupidity of it all. It all gets into my head and I have to deal with it. The madness. So I try to meditate and I quit cigarettes cuz basically everyone in my family has had or has cancer, many health problems and we're all crippled in some way. The hypochondriasis, the bipolar and moods. My dad is able to stop drugs magically and I believe I got that trait from him - Otherwise, I'd be completely out of control like I once was. The high 4-AcO-DMT dose changed my view on everything. The bad trip taught me more than the good trip but both trips were needed. To be aware of my thoughts, change my personality, etc..

So I'm on 6 different psychiatric meds that are keeping me stable and phenibut (Which I've been overdoing a little. I took a 2g dose that is kicking in now to get rid of the irritability which was made worse by smoking a bowl of a strain of weed that I don't like), weed, rare doses of benzos, caffeine, nicotine (Which I bought more of cuz my sister being a *****).

And all these things that I have to do like preparing for my future but I have cognitive fatigue so I can only absorb information slowly at a time. The career choices (****ing hell. My step dad manipulated the **** out of me and my family and left winning a million dollars in the lottery - Choosing mechanics and welding by which point I wanted to slit my neck in the washroom at work cuz my coworkers were assholes - One made me buy him a pack of smokes every time I needed a ride home), the creativity that I lack at this point - wanting to draw, learn, make music.. all these things.

This is a very irritating themed post. I believe the violence that comes with addiction isn't because of the drug. It's because of the addiction.. (Wanting to get more, the stealing of money, etc).. But really this is to help me vent my emotions because usually I'm very ok and loving, empathetic, etc.. Just the insanity of addiction kills me inside for brief moments.

Doing very good so far

That's great Desoxyn Keep trying.

@splitimage
How are you doing? Are you working? What are you doing?
Hope you are well.
bizi

I'm just going to decide not to drink any alcohol anymore because of my psychedelic experiences (Especially the very high dose one). Alcohol wasn't the same since then. I used to love it but now I don't like the feeling anymore and when I drink 1 or 2 drinks, I can't physically drink any more because I feel "full" from alcohol like how one would feel from being full after they eat too much.

Here's something interesting I found while researching "Why can't I drink alcohol anymore?" on Google;

"Hi, I’m 20, and I have something to tell you.
I have been drinking quite often since i was 17, and I really liked it. But then something happened. Something that changed my view on alcohol and also the feeling which I get from consuming it. What was it?
A psychedelic experience, or I have to say multiple psychedelic experiences with LSD and also psilocybin.
The changes came slowly, my attitude towards alcohol wasn’t changed since I first put an acid blotter on my tongue, it took a while, it took a few psychedelic experiences (around 8) before something interesting happened.
So, If you had some psychedelic experiences, that may be the reason why you don’t like drinking. you simply understanded that alcohol is just a wrong substance to put in your system to make you happy and make you have fun."

"The co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) believed LSD could be used to cure alcoholics and credited the drug with helping his own recovery from often debilitating depression, according to new research.

About 20 years after setting up the Ohio-based sobriety movement in 1935, Bill Wilson came to believe that LSD could help "cynical alcoholics" achieve a "spiritual awakening" and start on the path to recovery.".

I used to be very very cynical and it's no ones fault to be cynical. I watched a video about a comedian that used to be cynical and then he wasn't but he said to keep a bit of cynicalism in you to find balance.