Daily Check In #3

This is what I look like today.

Geese splits that looks like it hurts. Maybe call that tbi place and see if you can be booked in soon as possible...

I am in bed myself my crutches are leaning up against the closet doors tomorrow marks 3 years 8 months. I don’t feel like getting up and getting dressed it’s 9:32am and I been awake in pain since 5am. Because of my ankle injury 3 days after Christmas in 2016, I have to rely on that one to hobble around. Let me tell you it hurts to crutch on.

My meds were delivered last night late and I was so tired and I just wanted to go to bed. The pharmacist last night was stupid and told me to call today to find out where my meds were and told me that they don’t deliver on a Sunday. Of course that infuriated me good thing I have multiple phone numbers in my phone to use for in case of something stupid like that.

I just reminded myself that I have text someone for a ride for my gp appointment on Thursday...

oh split, raccoon eyes....head injury.
so sorry it looks painful.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Yeah, I'm definitely not the most attractive at the moment, and my Dr. told me it could be another 2 weeks or more before it's gone.

Really do not want to go out looking like this.

But the good thing is I have had absolutely no desire to drink over it.

splitimage

2 weeks that is quick if it all goes away that quickly like he said.
sorry that happened.
I really feel for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm trying to check in more. I just haven't had the energy for a while. Had a medication issue that made me sleep a lot and I have also been pretty depressed since we adjusted the meds to fix the issue.

Hopefully it will get better soon.

Splits, that looks extremely painful. I hope the pain gets better soon at least, even if the bruising sticks around a little longer.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

0 days sober.

LittleEarthquakes, how long had it been before this lapse?

I drank alcohol and had a panic attack so I'm not going to drink anymore.

A few days after that, I had 60mg ketamine left so I snorted it all at once then when it wore off I had a panic attack type of feeling but it wasn't an actual panic attack.. more like a chemically induced severe anxiety.. So I took the last of my Ativan and it cured that feeling.. I don't plan on buying anymore ketamine.

I went to sleep and woke up the next morning picked up xanax which I regret buying. I took a 8mg over the course of the day then went to sleep and woke up for class extremely tired so I took my vyvanse went back to sleep and it didn't wake me up so I took 20mg methylphenidate and went to class and drank an energy drink.

I bought another pack of cigarettes yesterday.

I will always take the vyvanse as prescribed but I forget what it's like to be high on high dose stimulants so I kinda crave meth and coke but I'm not going to buy any. It's just thoughts that I have because I've been feeling so depressed lately about work and school and need to get my studying done.

I saw an addictions counsellor yesterday for the first time. He was very chill. We don't connect cuz he doesn't talk much and I can't sense a personality. Maybe I'm not as emotionless as I think I am.. Or my negative symptoms have gotten better. But I bet he has knowledge idk. I told him absolutely everything and he talked as if it was normal drug use which makes me feel weird because I don’t think my poly substance use light use like most people.

Idk if I can get advice out of him when he doesn't make comments on what I should do. I'm the one with the insight. So much insight. Maybe I don't need an addictions counsellor and I'm able to do this on my own.

He gave me a number for the cigarette addiction thing so I'll call them. They can help pay for my nicotine replacement therapy so I feel responsible to not smoke because I have very good morals about things like that.

But so far I’m doing good.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will be sober. If I'm not sober, I'm flushing the xanax.

I need to focus on my studying and I only have a month left to get my course done.

I just wanted a few highs because.. many reasons.. I'm lonely in my world.. My mom gets mad at me and controls my money when I mess up.. It makes me feel like she doesn't understand the reason for why I do these things.. It's just control.. I don't like to be controlled..

I want to be better mentally and it takes so much time and therapy but my therapist just lets me talk and doesn't say anything.. I need new perspectives and I got a lot of perspectives online from other addicts.

I believe truly the only person that can help another addict is another addict.. I helped someone get through a severe 6000 dollar a month coke addiction and he ran out of money.. but I believe my words helped.. he helps me too.. And I come to realize many things.. It's not worth it... but part of me feels like it is..

tomorrow is st pattys day and we usually celebrate with drinking lots of guiness etc. not this year.
I am abstaining for lent. really it is just to help lose this god awful amount of weight gain.
I gained seriously 50 pounds in 3 years.
Still Alcohol free since ash wednesday 11 days.
Thinking about drinking but not drinking gives me a sense of control.
The scale is cooperating.
bizi

Today I failed miserably.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will only take one benzo if I feel withdrawal after 4 day binge.

My mom wanted me to stay until her shift was over because she was afraid people would harass her. I want to protect my mom but I was high and didn't want her to know or anyone else to know so I left. Now I'm sitting here, high.. but the high doesn't feel good anymore.. It feels wrong.. morally now..

Tomorrow I will take vyvanse in the morning and no concerta.. I will be very tired and a little agitated but I will study and finish my essay. Not sure how well I'm going to sleep tonight but I hope I sleep well..

I guess soon I will have to realize that I am an addict and have to count days that I am sober.. I thought I was different and could defeat this problem but I'm just like everyone else.. as we all learn "It won't happen to me", but it does.. The cycle continues to everyone that will ever get addicted.. some will die.. some will live to tell their story.. my story shouldn't exist.. I should be dead.. But here I am.. Living.. life is what it is.. too much to explain about it..

I wish you all a good recovery, use your will power.. the will power that I thought was easy.. but chasing a high is like fighting demons.. they sneak up on you and ruin your life and everyone around you is affected by it..

My mom trusted me with my controlled substances because I wasn't addicted at the time.. I let her down.. I let her and my doctor and treatment team down by buying xanax and ketamine, dmt, mdma... I failed..

Like you said, tomorrow is a new day. I believe you can change if you want to bad enough.
the opposite of addiction is connection.
fall down 7 times get up 8.....
bizi

Haven't checked in for a few days. 631 days and counting. I stay vigilant because I know about the false sense of security, but haven't really had any urges for a while. I routinely ignore potential temptation, not skipping work socials or other events and not feeling self conscious about not drinking.

You are doing great!!!!!!



You are doing hard work,
and are worthy of this effort.
bizi

Just realized that I passed the 5 month mark. I'm kind of happy I didn't notice the anniversary because it means I'm not obsessing about alcohol all the time.

splitimage

WTG splits!!!

I only obsess about alcohol when I am doing trauma work. It seems it’s connected stuffing those feelings down with a drink. It’s a coping mechanism that in did for 18 years of my life...I was so used to it became my friend, my confidant, my lover and my enemy. I was watching the news yesterday and it was scrolling down on the screen it “costs alcoholics who are Canadians 15$M a year for the cost of buying it” not what it costs to get them clean or help them stay clean or how much money they save when they stop. But I watched a report on tv saying how alcohol has become fashionable now for females and that there is more females who drink larger quantities then males. It’s not a fad they said it’s the truth. And when us as females try to get help for alcohol we are made to be ashamed and feel ashamed but why? It’s this society stigma that men are suppose to be the raging alcoholic not females. The society of ours needs to change because of it doesn’t then **** happens that’s not good.

My first time having a look at this thread. Wishing you all much luck with beating this monster.

Medications: Risperidone-1 mg.daily, Propranolol-20 mg. daily, Gabapentin-600 mg daily, Melatonin-3 mg. at bedtime, Nicotine Lozenges-2 mg., Vape Liquid-3 mg., One A Day Vitamins,

55 days today

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Way to go childofchaos, you're coming up on 2 months. Keep it up.

Saw my addictions Dr. yesterday, and she's really happy with how I'm doing. I told her that most of my cravings were driven by my clonazepam taper and adding valium into the mix. She said that all my sense, and was glad that I was able to dissmiss the cravings as just my brain chemistry changing.