Daily Check In #3

I hope you feel better today! How is the sleeping going?
bizi

Too many emotions and recklessness. Feel like doing drugs.

I feel like I should go to AA meetings. Maybe I wouldn't be so dang lonely if I went to one.

usually there are a couple in towns different nights of the week. Try a few out to see if any of them feel right.
None felt right for me so I don't go...though I only tried out 2 groups.
bizi

Feeling better now. Just was feeling reckless cuz I had to take care of my mom all night when she was crazy drunk and delusional. I got stressed induced psychosis for an hour and thought I was God, that reality was fake and my mom was a robot.

I hope you're feeling better now Des.

Feeling antsy and like drinking, so going down to my clubhouse today and will stay and go to the Double Recovery meeting. That always makes me feel better.
splitimage

you are doing so well split!
bizi

Glad to see some familiar faces. I haven't been on PC in a while. Sorry to hear about your mother, Desoxyn. As a former drunk, I look back & realize how miserablel I could make others. Glad you're going out & doing things, splits. Isolation ain't good...for mental health OR sobriety.

I had pretty strong cravings yesterday, but stayed sober. I think it's Christmas coming up and the fact that I'm yet again going to be alone. I pretend to my friends and relatives that I'm ok with it, but really I'm not. It makes me feel incredibly lonely.
splitimage

This is what I'm planning on this winter;

- I’m on Invega Sustenna 150mg every 4 weeks. I want to decrease to 100mg.. but my psychiatrist will probably put it to 100mg every 3 weeks.. This is why;

150mg divided by 21 days = 7.14mg (Before)
150mg divided by 28 days = 5.36mg (Now)
100mg divided by 21 days = 4.76mg (Next step)
100mg divided by 28 days = 3.57mg (Next step after that)

So at least it's decreased by half.

Phenibut taper;
1.5g, 1.4g, 1.3g, 1.2g, 1.1g, 1g. .9g, .8g, .7g, .6g, .5g, .4g, .3g, .2g. .1g (12g taper with 25mg CBD every night - 375mg CBD) - Then that will be gone.

- Then I want to maybe decrease the 50mg night atenolol to 25mg and keep the morning dose at 50mg.
- 50mg Vyvanse will stay the same (But I want an optional 2x 5mg Dexedrine to take when I need to focus in the evening).
- 50mg Seroquel will stay the same.
- 25mg CBD every night.
- Then I will get rid of the 10mg melatonin at night (To 5mg then 0mg).
- I have 17 refills of 20x 5mg Zyprexa which I'll use for psychosis caused by withdrawal of the injection.
- 4x fish oil and 1000ui vitamin D every day (Will ask doctor for blood test to see how much vitamin D I need every day + SAD lamp for the winter).
- Already quit smoking cigarettes 6 months ago (Will use nicotine gum for a year or two then quit).
- Caffeine

Then 3mg legal psilacetin (Soul revealing psychedelic microdose) and 2.5mg THC gummy every morning for a month (3g shroom).
Skiing, snowshoeing and hiking (Exercise), (Summer = Hiking, mountain biking and running).
No alcohol (Soul eating spirit).
Routine.
20 minutes of meditation every evening.
Solving hard puzzles on brain game apps and internet.
Talking to people at coffee connections.
GABA during talks with treatment team to improve sociality with my thoughts.
Reading books at least an hour every day and at least one short story.
Podcasts at least an hour every day.
Watch interesting Netflix shows.
Warm showers for 5 minutes, followed by cold showers for 5 minutes, followed by colder water for 30 seconds and then warm water for 20 seconds.
3 day water fasts twice in one month to - Kill precancerous cells, re-set insulin sensitivity, improve immunity, increase muscle mass, longevity, improve will-power, develop the ability to fast if needed, reduce body fat?, more energy, motivation, mood and focus!, spiritual experience, detoxify from bad chemicals and enhance learning and memory.
10 hours of sleep every night (Instead of 12 - Sleep at 12am, wake up at 9am, take Vyvanse, go back to sleep, wake up again at 10am).
Get part time job.
Research investing in stock market, cryptocurrency and day trading (Discord and reddit, psychonaut and investing servers).
Research notes on a few different things such as paradox, anhedonia, cure for different mental illnesses.
Writing songs and poems, playing guitar and piano and using synth on computer, find inspiring songs.
Add autistic savant guy and transgender m2f lesbian (Two smart people - One is the biggest online drug dealer in Canada and other is like Alexander Shulgin that creates her own molecules) to my WhatsApp group of research chemical friends.
Research about my moms specific breast cancer.
Think about what books I want to write in the future - Study omnist religious study, western esotericism, buddhism, science fiction, philosophy (Alan Watts, Terence Mckenna).
Watch news (And investing news) and research conspiracies.
Learn about one country every day (Learn Spanish).
Maybe study cryptography and coding.
Find careers (Go back to doing college courses).
Learn about addiction, psychedelic therapy and pharmacology.
Learn about hacking and scamming.
Learn to draw and how to make money online.
Learn one new word every day.

The autistic savant guy said to not take "Learning 50 different skills" when he was my age literally but I did..

Type of advice I give to myself;

“It's just a thing that happens. There's alway many ways to get better.. just not knowing how.. How are other people well? Their brains are working properly.. You can't give up. Keep surviving. Maybe you don't have the proper treatment team, the right meds, something bad happened to you which you're currently thinking about.. and then there's the maintaining on top of all of those things like taking care of yourself mentally and physically like anyone else would. It's a load of crap that you need to think about on top of mental illness and how to deal with it and be better (But you're just maintaining not going off into the deep end).

It's a lot of work. Then people judge you for what you do and you have thoughts of outside forces playing you like a game.

Everything can be really beautiful, calm, awakening and full of life experience. No one wants to die when the afterlife is a mystery or whether or not it even exists.. if it doesn't exist, then everything that is your ego is what wants to stay alive and the only thing that makes you want to die is the pain.

It can feel like when you're in the state of feeling dysphoric and having paranoia and delusions that you'll be this way forever with periods of just being "OK" in between so like, "Is it worth it?". It always is. It's not a choice because you never know if you're dead.

Try doing things to distract yourself (Coping mechanisms) like making tea, just sitting down and thinking even though it's agony because your brain is trying to figure things out along with the chemical imbalance. Depression and psychosis is a form of addiction because you're always constantly stuck in a loop, feeding off itself. If there was a way to reset the brain to default mode, you'd see that everything that you are can be changed. We're constantly changing and you don't have to be stuck in the hell that you're in.”

The end of Christmas puts me at 45 days...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Wow childofchaos, that really snuck up on me. Congratulations on 45 days, and keep up the good work.
splutunage

Down to 1350mg from 1500mg phenibut. Will be sleeping a bit less but I sleep a lot anyways so maybe that's a good thing.

Happy new year! We're not missing out by not drinking. Have philosophical conversations about the past year, economics, the first picture of a black hole, trump impeachment, first quantum computer, etc etc.. and then to the future of 2020!

Happy New Year everyone. I hope that you all have a great 2020, and achieve your sobriety goals.
splitimage

I really really want to drink. Not going to. But really want to. Hate it when I'm in this headspace.
splitimage

Took 900mg phenibut today! Tomorrow = 800mg!!

Blood pressure a bit high (140/77) so I decided not to finish my large coffee. Might have to take a benzo tonight but I lowered it from 1mg Xanax to tonight which will be 0.5mg Xanax.

The Xanax saved me from severe hypertension of being tolerant to almost 2000mg phenibut. I've learned my lesson.. When the 7 benzos were kicking in, my watch ECG showed irregularities.. I told my sister that "I'm going to the ER" but she calmed me down..

She's very good with my mental health and she's thinking of being a psych nurse. I think she will be very good at it =]

Finally heard back from my addictions Dr., re an appointment. She had an opening for tomorrow morning, which I took. I'm feeling relieved, as I really need to talk to someone.
splitimage

I hate drinking, yet I continue to drink.

I think everyone who has quit drinking is a god of sorts, and I am an awful person for not being able to stop.

I don't know why I think this way, but I do.

My therapist even says I don't have a drinking problem. I think she's wrong. I don't care if she doesn't think I have a drinking problem. I don't want to drink. Nobody is pouring the alcohol down my throat involuntarily. It's me who is doing it.

I guess I know that I want to stop. I always look to others to help me to quit. I need to look to myself to figure out how to stop, though.

The reason why I doubt it is because others tell me they have no idea why I think I have a drinking problem. I get angry because they don't know my real struggle. They say I am obsessive, etc., but that is not so. I don't want to drink alcohol. I have such unresolved internal conflicts that I cannot trust myself.