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Old 10-08-2018, 09:01 PM #1
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Frown Husband lashed out on me

My brother has been struggling with addiction for a few years now. It's gotten very bad lately and it's been wearing on the whole family, which I'm sure has not made me very easy to live with. The other day I confided in my husband that I always blamed myself for my brother's drug use (because I'm the older sister, and I'm supposed to protect him. And because he started experimenting when I went away to college).

Anyways, some background- my husband used cocaine before we started dating. I told him back then that I didn't want a relationship with someone who was using drugs. Lately, I've been wondering if he's using it again. I could be paranoid because of my brother's problem, but he's been sketchy with his phone and staying out with friends late (and no, I don't think he is cheating). A couple days ago 80$ went missing from my wallet. I was already stressed and started asking him if he took the money, because there was really no one else who would have. He denied it and got very defensive when I asked if he was doing coke again. He yelled at me for not trusting him. What hurt the most, was that he said I am going to drive him to do drugs. I just can't take it anymore... This isn't the first time money had gone missing. It could have been my brother before, but he wasn't around this past time. I'm already losing my mind over trying to save my brother, I don't think I can deal with any more drugs...
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Old 10-09-2018, 01:39 PM #2
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I'm sorry you are the midst of this difficult, confusing situation. What you wrote reminded me of the concept of "gaslighting". Here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of gaslighting, it's harmful effects, & how to deal with it plus links to 2 articles on the subject of addiction:

Signs of Gaslighting and the Cost

How to Understand Gaslighting

Gaslighting: What It Is and Why It's So Destructive | The Psychology of Self

7 Ways to Extinguish Gaslighting

Gaslighting: How Addicts Drive Loved Ones Over the Edge | Sex and Intimacy

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...ugs-over-love/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...y-addicts-lie/

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Old 10-09-2018, 06:32 PM #3
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Red face Re: Husband lashed out on me

thank you for reaching out here.
please keep posting.
((((HUGS))))
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:59 PM #4
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Default Re: Husband lashed out on me

Wow, I had never heard of this before, but after reading those articles I definitely see some connections between his behavior and gaslighting. He definitely tried to deflect blame and not take responsibility for what he does, and even though I haven't proven it, I'm almost positive that he has lied. And I have definitely questioned myself- did I spend the money and forget? Could I have dropped it? Could my brother have taken it? I do feel crazy sometimes when we argue even if I have a valid reason to be upset, and one thing he always gets mad about is that I don't trust him. I don't really believe that he's trying to hurt me, but that he's trying to protect himself. Which I know is selfish of him. We've only been married 6 months... I don't know what to do.
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Old 10-14-2018, 09:42 PM #5
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Red face Re: Husband lashed out on me

I am glad that you are reaching out to us here.

but do you have a therapist to call upon?
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Old 10-21-2018, 12:01 PM #6
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Default Re: Husband lashed out on me

No, no therapist at the moment. I'm trying to find one currently
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Old 10-23-2018, 11:02 PM #7
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Red face Re: Husband lashed out on me

Do you have insurance? They can help you find one on their plan.
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Old 10-25-2018, 06:26 AM #8
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Default Re: Husband lashed out on me

Hi...so yelling and getting defensive is one of the sure signs of lying.
Sounds to me that he is doing drugs again. Knowing you want to be in denial because you don't want to deal with it.

But as you said 80 dollars went missing and your brother was not around.

As far as your brothers choices to do drugs...You could not follow him to college and be his support or live his life for him.

You have to realize that God or a higher power is in control for the fate of your brother and not you...I had to realize this for one of my sons.

And the minute I got super burnt out finally after many years of loving, protecting and saving my son....I one night said....I give him to you God...because I can no longer drain myself of this wasted energy concerning worrying about him every second.

You can only make choices for yourself....You can chose to stand by your lying husband...or you can chose to ask him to do something about his "problem" HIS problem...just like your brothers problems are your brothers problems.

Or you may have to make a choice to remove YOURSELF from the situation YOU have control ONLY OVER YOUR CHOICES and you can chose to be happy or be in the constant chaos that drug addiction brings with it.
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Old 11-08-2018, 07:11 PM #9
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Default Re: Husband lashed out on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOutsider90 View Post
My brother has been struggling with addiction for a few years now. It's gotten very bad lately and it's been wearing on the whole family, which I'm sure has not made me very easy to live with. The other day I confided in my husband that I always blamed myself for my brother's drug use (because I'm the older sister, and I'm supposed to protect him. And because he started experimenting when I went away to college).

Anyways, some background- my husband used cocaine before we started dating. I told him back then that I didn't want a relationship with someone who was using drugs. Lately, I've been wondering if he's using it again. I could be paranoid because of my brother's problem, but he's been sketchy with his phone and staying out with friends late (and no, I don't think he is cheating). A couple days ago 80$ went missing from my wallet. I was already stressed and started asking him if he took the money, because there was really no one else who would have. He denied it and got very defensive when I asked if he was doing coke again. He yelled at me for not trusting him. What hurt the most, was that he said I am going to drive him to do drugs. I just can't take it anymore... This isn't the first time money had gone missing. It could have been my brother before, but he wasn't around this past time. I'm already losing my mind over trying to save my brother, I don't think I can deal with any more drugs...
I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! You have us to lean on for support.
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Old 11-11-2018, 10:00 AM #10
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Default Re: Husband lashed out on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I'm sorry you are the midst of this difficult, confusing situation. What you wrote reminded me of the concept of "gaslighting". Here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of gaslighting, it's harmful effects, & how to deal with it plus links to 2 articles on the subject of addiction:

Signs of Gaslighting and the Cost

How to Understand Gaslighting

Gaslighting: What It Is and Why It's So Destructive | The Psychology of Self

7 Ways to Extinguish Gaslighting

Gaslighting: How Addicts Drive Loved Ones Over the Edge | Sex and Intimacy

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...ugs-over-love/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...y-addicts-lie/

These are great tools and advice to use.
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