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Old 01-04-2019, 04:25 PM #1
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Unhappy Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

Hey- my BF just slipped and used after 3.5 years of being sober. It's not a full relapse, it was (HOPEFULLY) a one time thing. He was honest and told me right after it happened- something I am HUGELY thankful for and respect that he told me since, during his years of dependence, lying was the norm and a daily aspect of our relationship. I have experience working with people with addictions from the "outside," and also know personally what addictions can do on the "inside" since I battle an eating disorder. The reason I am posting here is because when my BF slipped up, he asked me not to tell anyone. I'm just struggling with trying to process my thoughts and emotions, and I feel helpless and flooded with everything in my head since I'm just keeping it all inside and not telling anyone. I'm struggling trying to sort everything out in my head and heart. Any advise?
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:56 AM #2
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

I am an alcoholic in recovery, my daughter is an addict and I work with other addicts getting sober. Who is he afraid you will tell? IME honesty is the key to sobriety. The lying and manipulating are part of the active addict behavior. I believe you can have physical sobriety but not emotional sobriety. I think emotional sobriety is key. I hesitate to tell you to say something but I also hesitate telling you to keep quiet because that makes you part of the secret and part of the shame, part of the slip up. What is it that you do with other addicts?
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:02 AM #3
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

Ouch, yes, that must feel scary! It always helps me to have someone to talk things through with so I am sorry you don't have that. As far as what to do? Maybe you give things time, see if he keeps his word hope this is just a one time thing. I'm sure you'll be on pins and needles for a while and will be vigilant but if things are otherwise good, then a wait-and-see approach seems reasonable.

Sure wish you had someone you could connect up with face-to-face for support!
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:22 AM #4
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

I hope sharing it here will help a bit, Kate King. I'm so sorry. I understand you may be feeling scared at the moment, but try not to worry too much. Keep an eye on him and see how it goes. Most importantly, try to support him, since he's probably going through a lot as well. I know it's hard when you'd need some support yourselff. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-05-2019, 08:58 AM #5
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I am an alcoholic in recovery, my daughter is an addict and I work with other addicts getting sober. Who is he afraid you will tell? IME honesty is the key to sobriety. The lying and manipulating are part of the active addict behavior. I believe you can have physical sobriety but not emotional sobriety. I think emotional sobriety is key. I hesitate to tell you to say something but I also hesitate telling you to keep quiet because that makes you part of the secret and part of the shame, part of the slip up. What is it that you do with other addicts?
This was an excellent response and from the voice of experience. Thank you sarahsweets.
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Old 01-05-2019, 11:51 AM #6
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

Thanks for the input. He is afraid I will tell my parents or his son. We had a long talk last night. I told him how proud of him I am for telling me right away (he also gave me to two baggies he didnt use (he bought 3, used only 1) to flush. I dont preach perfection because we would all fail miserably everyday. I told him that I'm here to walk with him on whatever path life takes us, but that I also have needs. Since he breached my trust by using again, it's a setback and he is going to have to reearn my trust. He told me that I can hold his money for him if that would be helpful to me, but I dont want to do that bc I want him to own his recovery and not have it based on me policing him..
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Old 01-06-2019, 06:22 AM #7
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

I would not want to police anyone either. My sister got into financial problems several years ago and my husband and I helped her not only with money (essentially saved her from bankruptcy) but my husband also helped her develop a budget. After we got things lined out, she was so scared she wanted us to manage her money for her, i.e. she would turn her paycheck over to us and we would pay her bills and dole $$ out to her when she needed something. We said NO WAY, we didn't want to do that, that she needed to learn to manage her life/money herself.

The end of the story is she has done much better since then ... not perfect but better :-) But you are right, no recovery story is perfect, whether the issue is drugs or money or whatever.
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Old 01-06-2019, 06:54 AM #8
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kate King View Post
Thanks for the input. He is afraid I will tell my parents or his son. We had a long talk last night. I told him how proud of him I am for telling me right away (he also gave me to two baggies he didnt use (he bought 3, used only 1) to flush. I dont preach perfection because we would all fail miserably everyday. I told him that I'm here to walk with him on whatever path life takes us, but that I also have needs. Since he breached my trust by using again, it's a setback and he is going to have to reearn my trust. He told me that I can hold his money for him if that would be helpful to me, but I dont want to do that bc I want him to own his recovery and not have it based on me policing him..
Its good that you didnt agree to hold his money. Its not about policing him either. Its about taking care of his sobriety which is not your job. I forget if you said if he does meetings. If he does, he needs to get to one, and as many as possible to share it and get mentorship. If he has a sponsor he should call, if he doesnt he should get one. There is only so much you can do or be responsible for. How old is his son? Would your parents be devastated? I ask because, suppose he uses again and it goes from a slip to a stumble- then a stumble to a long fall from the cliff. Will your parents be like" we had no idea he was struggling" and then will you be the one who says " he slipped once but he came clean and I thought we had it under control". The biggest relief I ever got our of a relapse was owning up to it. Keeping it a secret adds to the shame, and shame is one of the biggies that fuel addiction. (there are others but its a big one). I worry that he has thrust you into codependency against your will.
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Old 01-21-2019, 04:58 PM #9
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

Thank you for sharing this with us. This sounds like a very delicate situation and can be really scary! Kudos to you for reaching out for help!

Do either of you have a support group that you can reach out to and be able to meet up with in person? I have found 12-Step meetings very helpful for situations like these. When I would relapse, the information and support that they provided always seemed to be very worthwhile.

If he asked you not to tell anyone, then there's a big chance that he isn't talking about it to anyone else either. This is the worst. Shame and fear are always a part of a relapse. If these feelings aren't worked out, a slip up could turn into a long term relapse.

I don't mean to scare you in any way, I am just sharing my experience with you. I hope you find what you're looking for here and that both of you get the help that you need.
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Old 01-30-2019, 08:39 AM #10
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Default Re: Needed: Advise: my BF just slipped and used

I know that he WANTS it to be a one time relapse. Just like I wanted mine to be...but addiction is very powerful...Be careful about patting him on the back so much for flushing the 2 bags and for telling you...because I know as an alcoholic...that can make it seem like you have "accepted" his relapse and that it didn't cause any bad consequences for him..he subconsciously could use that as the next reason to slip again.

I had 8 years sober and slipped 4 years ago and only wanted it to be a one time slip...and it hasn't been...I keep "slipping" and haven't put together more than 10 months sober in the last 4 years...

My 8 years sobriety was very easy...never thought about drinking...but once i picked up....it has never been "easy" to not drink again
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