Alcoholism ~ In Dire Need of Support

I am 24.

For the past six or seven months I have been getting wasted to the point of blacking out and being surprised that I even woke up the next morning. Last night I had two bottles (not large bottles, but I am not sure how much) of Barton's vodka while talking to a friend over webcam.

I drink every other day. I can't seem to go more than a day sober. I get wasted maybe one-three times a week.

I am a very socially anxious person. I drink for every social encounter, no matter how small, unless it's school.

I will say that I am seeing a doctor and not seeking medical advice here, but I want to express that I am terrified of dying this way and terrified that I've done permanent damage to my body.

I have stomach ulcers and am on medication for that. But I haven't stopped drinking.

I am scared to death. I am scared OF death.

Please offer me any support or advice you're willing to give me. I really need some support, someone that relates. I am panicky this morning and I have no desire to drink now, but I know that tonight I will because the cravings will come.

They always do.

I offer you some support.
this is hard work you are doing.
You are worthy of this effort.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have been sober 6 years. I was drinking 3 huge bottles of wine a day and I drank the minute I got up. I use AA to stay sober but its not for everyone. Simce being in AA in addition a fair amount of deaths due to drug overdoses(some drug addicts like AA or do both) I have 5 people as a direct result of alcoholism(it was even noted on the death certificate) and I swear to you- I have seen people die of different things and a death due to alcoholism is the worst I have seen. The last one was 6 months ago and was my sponsors' brother. Towards the end he was yellowed, hallucinating, was skin and bones, coughing up blood, pissing himself, sh*tting himself, vomiting, combative, horribly mean and vindictive; he shook, he was neurologically impaired to the point that he couldn't walk right, his skin was paper thin, he was covered in bruises, his finger nails were hard and yellow. He would fight the nurses at the hospital (he started there and died in a nursing home even though he was 52), he would need to be restrained, he had head injuries and broken bones due to falling when drunk. Every time they would get him well enough to be sent home he would immediately drink again. Sometimes he would wail-even in his sleep. He was arrested numerous times for public intox and disorderly conduct. Multiple DUI's. It is the ugliest death I have ever seen. No matter how old anyone is, when they die of alcoholism they have the bodies of frail elderly people. A dear female friend of mine had her third arrest for DUI- fell and broke her neck and was on painkillers. Fighting all the time with her husband and her kids wouldn't deal with her anymore. Finally her husband asked her to leave so she went to live with her sister. She came home a few days before Christmas to gather some things when the house was empty. She left Xmas presents on the bed with letters to her kids. And she drank a bottle of vodka and took the rest of her pain medication and died. Her husband found her like that. Her words of despair were so sad. She kept trying AA but didn't or couldn't get sober.

I stopped drinking on 12/13/12. That morning I fell to me knees and was crawling across the floor and I wept like I never have before. I went to my first meeting that day so I detoxed and stopped cold turkey and it was the dumbest, most riskiest thing I could have done. The only reason I did not have withdrawal seizures was because I was on lamictal for bipolar. I had fatty liver disease and elevated liver enzymes. Type II diabetes. An extra 20lbs of bloated alcohol weight. Palpitations and sweats. My actual liver and kidneys ached. Red face and nose- blood in my throat and stool. I never recommend anyone to stop on their own without at least a 5 day detox. You might feel like you want to die withdrawing from heroin but you can actually die withdrawing from alcohol. (think Amy Winehouse) I urge you to seek professional help- even if its outpatient. Whether or not a 12 step program will work for you is up to you but I do not believe someone should do it without medical help because it is so dangerous. If there is anything I can say or do you can post here or pm. I am not trying to scare you I am just being as honest as I can because what I described is the reality of alcoholism. The good thing is my liver healed, I am no longer type II diabetic, all my blood work is normal and I lost the weight. No more hair falling out and red face. My sinuses are clear again. The body can repair itself. The only thing that is waiting for you if you do not stop drinking are jails, institutions or death.

Hello LittleEarthquakes,

I am so sorry you are struggling with chemical dependence on alcohol. You mentioned that you are not seeking medical advice. Is it okay to ask if you have a MD you trust? Since you are being treated for stomach ulcers at a young age, I assume your doc knows that you're struggling with alcohol. Are you able to speak candidly with the doctor....so he/she can medically answer your fears about damage to your body...they should be able to evaluate that and explain so you know where you stand from a physiological point of view.

Have you ever talked to a therapist about the cravings? About why you drink? Do you know why you drink....I mean aside from the chem dep....why did you start drinking? I have known quite a few folks struggling with chem dep....they all experienced prior trauma in their lives....they were trying to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs which unfortunately leads to more trauma as you know.

I think the key for someone to heal from chemical dependence is to have professional support with healing from the trauma or mental illness which is triggering the desire to self-medicate....to learn how to replace the self-medication with safer ways of coping. I hope that idea does not offend you. I obviously don't know you or your history. Am I way off to suggest that there was intense pain in your life even prior to the drinking problem?

I wonder if you will find some comfort in the Ted Talk I have linked here. There are some really important ideas presented about addiction. Reminded me of my brother.

Ted Talk: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong
YouTube

My best recommendation would be to find a kind and non-judgmental therapist with a background in caring for clients struggling with chem dep. Talk to that person. Tell them your fears. See what happens. You are 24 and your brain, though troubled now, has a remarkable capacity to re-wire with the right intervention.

The anxiety seems to be overwhelming you right now....that could likely lead to more drinking as you try to relax.....like getting caught in a loop, right? What else could help your anxiety? To break the loop. What might make you feel better, even for an hour or two as a start?

I wish you peace, hope, good health, and a bright future. You deserve it. Remember that. You deserve peace and joy.

(Feel free to let me know what you think of the Ted Talk)