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autumn4689
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Trig May 13, 2019 at 04:49 PM
  #1
I’m an alcoholic. I have been for a very longtime. It’s gotten worse since my brothers suicide and now I have suicidal thoughts, especially when I drink too much. I attempted twice in my teens. I’m in my mid 30’s now and have had a couple scares. Deep down I know drinking is bad. I’m constantly justifying it. I’m a functioning alcoholic. I work 8-5 every day and rarely get behind the wheel after drinking. Mostly because I lost my license after a second dwi in one year. I am also a recovering meth addict. Sometimes after I buy my bottle of vodka -it just happened today- it’s like I can’t get home fast enough to pour myself a drink. I don’t even feel the affects anymore until I’m 3-4 drinks in. I shake when I don’t have it for so long. I’ve even had friends sneak me in alcohol when I was working a serving second job at nights. I know this is bad for me. I know I need to stop but why do I keep doing it? My boyfriend is the most understanding person but I keep hurting him over and over. You can’t help someone until they want to help themselves and I keep making excuses. Im not religious. I don’t have the will to go to meetings so how do I say enough is enough? And just stop doing this to myself and everyone around me?
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Default May 14, 2019 at 08:10 AM
  #2
Welcome to the addictions forum, and well done on making the first step of admitting you have a problem and are looking for help.

Based on what you've said, "getting shakes" it's probably not safe for you to quit cold Turkey. You're going to need help with detox. So I'd suggest starting with your family Dr., and asking about detox, and ideally treatment options. You've been drinking a long time, so treatment will likely give you the tools you need to learn to live sober. It doesn't have to be residential, there are a lot of good outpatient programs, some even run in the evening so you can keep working, although personally I wouldn't recommend it.

As for self help groups, there's a world outside of AA. AA wasn't for me either. There's also SMART recovery, which is based on CBT and I have lots of friends who go to those meetings and love them. For women, there's also women for sobriety, which has IRL meetings some places but not all that many, but they have a very robust web site that hosts chats several times a day.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

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Red face May 25, 2019 at 08:51 PM
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Default May 25, 2019 at 10:17 PM
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How do you do it? One day at a time. Doing whatever you need to do not to pick up that first drink. First, don't buy it. Then whatever it takes. Call a sober friend, consult your doctor, go to the gym, go to a meeting of whatever kind cuz people there are not picking up that first drink & you are. Do all of the above & more. It's not magic. It's hard work every single day. It's simple...don't pick up that first drink.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 11:20 PM
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Originally Posted by autumn4689 View Post
I’m an alcoholic. I have been for a very longtime. It’s gotten worse since my brothers suicide and now I have suicidal thoughts, especially when I drink too much. I attempted twice in my teens. I’m in my mid 30’s now and have had a couple scares. Deep down I know drinking is bad. I’m constantly justifying it. I’m a functioning alcoholic. I work 8-5 every day and rarely get behind the wheel after drinking. Mostly because I lost my license after a second dwi in one year. I am also a recovering meth addict. Sometimes after I buy my bottle of vodka -it just happened today- it’s like I can’t get home fast enough to pour myself a drink. I don’t even feel the affects anymore until I’m 3-4 drinks in. I shake when I don’t have it for so long. I’ve even had friends sneak me in alcohol when I was working a serving second job at nights. I know this is bad for me. I know I need to stop but why do I keep doing it? My boyfriend is the most understanding person but I keep hurting him over and over. You can’t help someone until they want to help themselves and I keep making excuses. Im not religious. I don’t have the will to go to meetings so how do I say enough is enough? And just stop doing this to myself and everyone around me?
Hi autumn4689. So sorry you are struggling with drinking. Of course you want to stop; everyone does. If it were as simple as just stopping there'd be nobody struggling with alcohol, right? It's not your fault. it's not like one day you just decided "alcoholism seems like a fun path in life," right?

Your instinct about AA is sound. It has a notoriously low success rate. And if participants don't have a particular belief system, it's a non-starter.

What to do? The real issue is why you drink. You mentioned exacerbation associated with your brother's suicide. This is a very common reason for addiction: emotional trauma and pain. It sounds like you are essentially self-medicating. The alcohol numbs your emotional pain a while...does that sound like what's happening with you? Unfortunately, the pain returns the next day and so you continue to drink.

Do you live in the U.S? Despite so much talk, the U.S. is very far behind in understanding and supporting healing from alcoholism. There's still a blame and shame campaign going on with a lot of people struggling with alcoholism being treated like 2nd class citizens. I believe Portugal is a shining light. Take at look at their research and approach. I would recommend searching for a therapist to talk to (wherever you live) who values Portugal's research and approach. Someone willing to listen to your pain and fears, without judgment, in order to help guide you back to a more peaceful path.

Here's some wonderful insight to get you started....

Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong/Johann Hari
YouTube

Maybe you can think about it in two ways:
- finding ways to heal from the underlying pain which causes you to drink
- medical support to prevent dangerous rapid withdrawal from alcohol (this is biologically as dangerous as withdrawing from heroin without professional support)

No judgment here at all. You have a human problem and need some support. I don't view that as any different from someone struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, or any other human problem.

It is also important for you to know that people can and do recover from alcoholism. AA tells people they are addicts forever because their brains are broken. Not true. Each person is unique. Some people stop drinking and never go back to it. There is hope. Telling people they are broken is not hopeful; it actually increases the likelihood of lifelong alcohol problems or drug use because people are taught to believe that they cannot heal.

Also, I am very sorry for your loss. Universal speed to your brother.

Peace, hope, and a bright future to you You deserve it just as much as all of the other humans whether they drink or take drugs or not.

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 25, 2019 at 11:47 PM..
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Default May 26, 2019 at 07:08 AM
  #6
I urge you to seek medical detox and inpatient care. Regardless of what method you use to stay stopped, you are experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms when you do not drink. The shaking is a sign of that. The racing heart, sweats, anxiety and preoccupation with alcohol are all signs that you need medical detox. You can die from suddenly ceasing alcohol. Amy Winehouse died that way. I am an alcoholic in recovery (6.5 years) and I home detoxed and did AA. I was very lucky. I am on lamictal for bipolar and it was the only thing that stopped me from having seizures. I was stupid for doing it on my own. I thought I would die I felt so bad. I shook and shook and when I went to my first AA meeting at the end when you hold someone's hands I shook both people. There are medications they can give you to ease your physical withdrawal symptoms and then you can decide which method you want to use to stay stopped. AA isn't for everyone and there are other ways. Since I have gotten sober I have lost 4 people as a direct result of alcoholism. (6 others to OD's) and I promise you you do not want an alcoholic death.

Are you familiar to what happens to you when you die from alcoholism? You can vomit blood, poop and pee yourself. You become combative and have hallucinations. You become neurologically impaired. Your gait and the way you walk changes. You can have jaundice and yellowing of the skin and eyes. You can have a red puffy nose and cheeks. You could have a heart attack. You are full of despair. I know a woman who took her life because she couldnt take what was happening to her. An alcoholic death is one of the worst deaths I have ever seen. If you do die, forget about having a viewing. The funeral home will have to work some magic to make you look halfway decent. I promise you, you will die like this if you do not get help. And you can not do it at home on your own.

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