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Crazygrl882
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Default May 30, 2019 at 08:06 PM
  #1
I had stopped drinking for 2 years because of all the meds I’m on for my Mental and physical disorders but when my dad died 3/24/19 I began drinking and it quickly became heavy drinking. I know in the past I drank heavily when I drank and would hide drinks from friends and drink more than others. But I was able to stop. Now when I go out to a bar I bring along a strong mixed drink in my purse so I can order like 2 glasses of wine but then go to the bathroom and drink my mixed drink so I don’t know how many drinks I end up having. 4? The drink is pretty strong. They don’t know I drank that. I even bring it along to other friends houses so they don’t know how much I drank or if there isn’t enough available to drink to get the feeling I’m looking for. I just want to get numb and once I feel it I have a great time and forget all my worries. This has led to me having sex with 4 people since my dad died. One unprotected which led to me having to get all std tests after. I was really drunk when we had sex. It was an ex of mine and I just let it happen. I want to hang out with friends so I can have wine or mixed drinks with them over at my house or go out to a lounge/bar. I am drinking like every other day or every day. It just cheers me up and I can let loose. Problem is my boyfriend who I got back with - but I’m still seeing two other people - said he likes me better when I drink because i Loosen up. That doesn’t help me to stop drinking. Sometimes I sneak drinks at his house because he Doesn’t drink / he’s a recovering alcoholic. He doesn’t seem to notice that I smell like alcohol after 3 shots of vodka but I just get so anxious I feel I need it. I can’t just sit and watch a movie. I know this is a problem and I don’t want it to become full fledged alcoholism. I don’t really crave alcohol. Only sometimes. And I don’t drink in the morning. Only on a few occasions I’ve had wine at like 2 with lunch but then don’t have any more alcohol til like 6. I feel depressed about my dad and so confused about life. I just want to escape and have fun and go out or have friends over and sing and dance to music. I got wilder with Sex and two of the guys love it. But it’s not really me. I don’t want to tell my dr about this because i Don’t want any kind of alcohol abuse in my medical record. I just feel it’s a phase. I’m just afraid of complications. I stopped eating when my dad died too so I’m always drinking with very little or no food in my stomach. I starve myself to drink because i Don’t want so many calories. I’m afraid I’m also suffering from disordered eating since he died. I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks and am not gaining it back because i Don’t eat well. Any suggestions? I am obviously not doing well. Went to a grief support group. It didn’t help much. I miss him terribly. Just want to escape. I do have friends who say I can talk to them if I need them but I don’t want to talk about this or always say I’m not doing well. After two months I want to show improvement.

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Default May 30, 2019 at 08:54 PM
  #2
Be honest with your friends.

You need real love; not casual sex love.


You are out of control.
I am scared for you.

Perhaps a hospital stay is needed.
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Default May 31, 2019 at 02:07 AM
  #3
You might not be a "real alcoholic" but in reality you are drinking and behaving like one. The dishonesty about drinking, how much and when you drink; the consequences due to drinking and the need for mood altering escape all point to alcoholism. I am an alcoholic in recovery and used the same excuses. Its is not my job to tell you you are one but I can tell you that your body will not be able to maintain its current state drinking and not eating the way you are. I do not know if you are familiar with what happens when people get sick or die from alcoholism but is very ugly. I do not know how to tell you to grieve for your dad or get over it but this is not the way. Not drinking in the morning or not everyday doesnt mean you are not developing an alcohol problem. What happens if you just do not drink for days in a row?

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Default May 31, 2019 at 01:12 PM
  #4
Hello Crazygrl882

Thank you for candidly sharing your truth here. I am so sorry you've been going through so much pain in your life. Sorry you lost your father. Losing a parent is mind-altering. You said you feel you should show improvement by now but he only died very recently. You are likely still in shock.

There is a newer understanding of people who struggle with drinking (or drugs etc) that the real underlying problem is trauma. People overwhelmed by trauma are often trying to self-medicate. Some people have described it as finding it intolerable to be themselves or to want to not be present for a while. Does that resonate with you at all? Perhaps you are feeling traumatized by the loss of your father. Perhaps you have also experienced prior traumas?

I think you know that the drinking and sex won't actually help you to heal from your trauma. You can numb out for a while or "loosen up" but the pain returns each day, right? My brother never drinks in the mornings. He only drinks on weekends and not every weekend. But the way he drinks and the reason he drinks is his response to trauma. And I can tell that he is not well. Like you, he does not want to tell a doctor.

Best I can recommend at this stage is that you look for a kind and experienced trauma therapist. You need not mention the drinking right away if you don't want to. You can start by finding someone to listen to you share about your pain and fear. And take it from there. Though I have the sense that perhaps you don't feel ready to do that? Only you can decide that. Only you can initiate your only healing process and make your life decisions. I'm not going to lecture you about the dangers of alcohol or unprotected sex. You're an adult; you know what's what. When you are ready, I hope you will find a kind professional to help guide you back to a safe path of peace.

Have you heard of Dr. Gabor Mate at all? He has done some important work with folks struggling from trauma and addiction. I'll share something with you that he said...I think it's really important:
"Trying to move away from the pain, to avoid the pain, only leads to more pain." He believes that an important step in healing is to "sit with your pain." Just something to think about. People often need help to sit with their pain. I Iive with depression and experienced two major traumas in the last 18 months....these have exacerbated the depression. So I am looking for a new therapist to help me sit with my pain because I'm currently struggling to feel better on my own.

I realize that you do not identify yourself as having an addiction problem but I think you may still find some of these ideas of interest or even comfort. You will note that both speakers are very intelligent and have done their research but most importantly....they do NOT support the blame and shame campaign for people struggling with alcohol. For one thing, it doesn't work. People need empathy and support. Not scare tactics. Adding to someone's stress and anxiety increases the likelihood of more drinking....people need help to find safer ways of finding internal peace. perhaps you need support to find safer ways to cope with the major loss of your father?

Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong, Johann Hari
YouTube

What is addiction? Dr. Gabor Mate
YouTube

You have my empathy. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it.

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 31, 2019 at 01:27 PM..
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Default May 31, 2019 at 05:39 PM
  #5
Yes I did experience trauma. I was physically abused (severely) as a child and sexually abused and then raped about 4 years ago. My dad was in the ICU when he died and he went in on Wed and died Sunday. It was a quick decline and he was only 68. They couldn’t keep up his blood pressure at the end and they took away the drugs and we watched his blood pressure slowly drop until his heart stopped. I never watched someone die before. Let alone my father. That was traumatic.

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Default May 31, 2019 at 05:40 PM
  #6
I don’t know what will happen if I just don’t drink for a while. I haven’t tried it. I guess I’d have to try it. I haven’t gone more than one day in between drinking days.

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Default May 31, 2019 at 06:30 PM
  #7
Thank you for sharing your truths Crazygrl882. You have really been through so much pain in your life I am so sorry you've experienced abuse. It was not your fault. You did not cause it. You deserved and continue to deserve unconditional safe love, peace, and happiness.

Yes, it is very traumatic to watch someone die...particularly a parent. What a terrible shock for you to lose him so quickly and at the age of only 68. Universal speed to your father.

I think a trauma therapist could be a place for you to start....they could help you weave together some coping strategies while also supporting you as you try to reduce the alcohol. Though how you proceed is obviously entirely up to you. I don't know if you have ever experienced withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol. If that happens you need a doctor as soon as possible because that is dangerous for your body. I wonder if you could try two days without? Or switch from drinking every night to every other night? As a place to start, that could significantly decrease your weekly intake.

Peace, hope, and good health to you.

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 31, 2019 at 06:50 PM..
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