Opening up about my extremely unconventional life and seeking help

Hi, and firstly, I hope I am posting in the correct forums - I have no experience of this and my hope is that I can receive some good direction from this post for how to position myself better in life to understand who I am, what i've been through and how to best deal with the challenges life has thrown at me.

I have never really opened up to anyone, although my girlfriend of 5 years knows almost everything about me and many friends know parts of my situation. I am very typical of a young male who buries his head in the sand and doesn't really talk about his emotions. I thought I would try to detail a summary of my life for the first time and really think about it - even if no one replies it'll be a good exercise for me!

I was born in London, UK in a middle-class neighborhood. My mum was a headteacher and my dad worked in varying jobs, but is very different to my mum - he came from a poor, working class background and abusive father. The long and short of my childhood is it was an extremely toxic home environment due to my dads alcoholism and abusive behavior. For some reason, my mum kept my dad around in a hugely toxic house-hold where there was an extremely volatile environment at all times - my dad has several mental health problems and was dependent on alcohol for almost all our lives (he stopped drinking following attending rehab 2 x for 3 months and 2 years respectively), but he was still extremely fowl tempered and aggressive. My childhood is mixed between good and bad memories, both my parents loved me and I always knew I was loved, but it was so unconventional - my mum was a headteacher at a local school, yet I was a fairly naughty child in trouble with the law, poorly behaved at school (not malicious, just very poor discipline and general disruption). We had social services over 2 x when my dad had collected me at 9 years old from an after school club, and collasped at 7 o'clock at night and I was carrying him home whilst he was shouting at me he wish he never had me and I'm not his son. It was just so, so strange, being involved with my mum family and friends who are teachers, doctors etc and yet my dad was this hidden secret. She also let him do things like drive us home from school every day completely intoxicated, although she denied this (she was in denial), and he eventually got caught and banned for drink driving. As bad as my dad was, he was, at points in my life a father, and I never felt like I wasn't loved - just that he was extremely damaged.

I was brought up with one older brother, who I have always been extremely close too. My brother is more sensitive than I, and has struggled hugely with anxiety as a result of our childhood. There was such a toxic environment at home it's so hard to even remember some of the stories, but Oscar had put knifes through my dads wall in anger of him shouting at mum or constantly letting us down; I also remember when I was very young just listening to my dad and mum whilst sitting on the stairs (after I'd be put to bed) screaming and shouting at eachother drop dead and die, or the countless times my dad had embarrased me. As we got older, we understood more about dads behaviour - he was/ is a complete loner with no friends, he feels safe nowhere other than his home and all he does is drink at home and lay in his room whilst shouting at everyone and being abusive. He wasn't violent often, although he did hit mum a couple of times. We pleaded with mum to sell the house so we could move away, but we always forgave our dad for everything because we wanted a dad. My mum and dad were never actually really togher as a proper couple, more just living in the same house.

Once I reached 16, I had left school with average to good GCSE's off the back of very little work. I had been in trouble with the law a few times, although for petty crimes - criminal damage and shoplifting. I became a petty criminal, buying and selling stolen phones, sat navs etc. I found gambling at 17, and starting attending casinos during college nights, before eventually quitting college with no a-levels, and working at my mums school. I eventually became completely addicted to gambling, stealing money from my dad to play online poker, and won and lost thousands of pounds - but over the long run, of course lost way more than I ever won. I pursued a career as a poker dealing, and my life was entrenched in this poker community. I eventually was chasing some money, and got caught selling 120 packets of class a drugs in a music festival (I wasn't a seasoned drug dealer - it was my first time and I was an amateur!). To this day, I cannot believe it, but we tested the drugs and we appeared to be ripped of by the drug dealer that sold it to us - they tested postitive for a class C drug - but the police let us off. This was a real wakening call for me, and my brother pushed me into a entry-level sales job in the City, where he had been working for a couple of years with some good success. I completely stopped my criminal ways, but pursued gambling. I began to earn some really good money for my age (maybe 2.5x national average), and of course my gambling problem just got bigger and bigger - by that point, I had been a compulsive gambler for 5-6 years. I eventually went to seek help, and attended GA where I still to this day haven't gambled. I also had been a heavy binge drinker since 13/14, probably getting drunk on average once a week, but never ever new my limits. I had many, many dangerous experiences from drinking, and at 19 or so my friends started using lots of cocaine - which I also dabbled with although didn't particularly.

I settled down in work, which is where the next two major traumas in my life occurred:

In October 2018 (now 24), I went travelling for a few weeks in Peru with one of my best friends who had moved to Australia. My friend is care-free, and partakes in lots of drugs. I immediately told my girlfriend, and that was catagorically the lowest point in my life. I had also lost all my money (cash) and mobile phone and was stuck in a remote town in Peru. My girlfriend arranged me for me to fly home, which was a 37 hour journey (long stop of in US) - I had lost all my possesions and left with nothing to distract me than my thoughts! The journey home was one of the strangest experiences in my life - I was hallucinating, I hadn't eaten in 2 days, I couldn't believe they let me fly. I woke up every 30 minutes on the flight to nightmares. Once I got back to my home airport, my amazing girlfriend was there in despair, worried out her brain for me. We told my mum, brother and couple of closest friends, which was extremely difficult consider I'm in quite a macho group. Many encouraged me to see a therapist, I did once and never picked up on it again. I think about that event every day, but it hasn't effected me anywhere near as badly as it would have others. Why? I don't know. I had to go through the ordeal of seeing doctors in the UK, getting tested, and had quite bad bruising up my thighs. I guess I just did what I always did, and got on with life and did my best to forget about it.

Just short of one year later, my beautiful, darling mum was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumour. At first, I didn't understand the severity of a brain tumour, and I had no idea of what was about to happen. About 3.5 weeks ago today, I took my mum into hospital for her operation to de-bulk the tumour - we were previously told they should be able to clear 90-95 % of it until the day before surgeory, where they said this wasn't possible. Long story short (again), my mum had a complication in surgeory (brain bleed) and the tumour was a Grade 4 Glioblastomia. We spent 3 weeks wit her in hospital (she was in a coma), and she died 3 days ago. My mum made mistake in her life, but was a brilliant, brilliant mother and my hero. I am now back at home with my brother sorting out the funeral and making sure my dad doesn't kill himself drinking.

Back to my dad, over the past 4 years he developed Diabetes. Ultimately, he drinks and doesn't eat, which regularly puts him in hypo. In those 3 years, I have saved his life probably 15 times, when he has been asleep/ comatised in a hypo, and if he's not found and given sugar within 30 minutes, his brain will starve of oxygen and he will die. He has probably had an ambulance called 10 x to save him, also. On the Friday we found out mum had a brain tumor, I went round to my mum and dad's house to check on him - he was 30 minutes from dying. After spending the weekend with my mum in hospital, I came back on the sunday, and again, he was close to dying.

I am by no means someone with a victim mentality, or who wants to attention seek or complain about how hard there life has been, but I have experienced an extremely stressful and unconventional life and am worried about exploding. I am also worried that I have forgotten many parts of my childhood. Sometimes, I questioned if I was a psychopathy, because I struggle to ever be happy or sad. I know I am not, because I am actually extremely caring with certain things, IE children and I am a good person - my friends actually know me as 'moral-man', because I always tell people to try and do the right thing. If I found a wallet or phone, I'd hand it in (maybe not in my teenage years!). I guess I want advise on the following:

- What is wrong with me? Why haven't I exploded? Why aren't I depressed? Am I depressed? Why can't I be happy? Why don't I get depressed or anxious after my childhood - my brother saw a therapist and they considered our childhood to be the perfect harvesting ground for acute anxiety.
- Who do I speak to about therapy? I have many different problems - sexual abuse, bereavement & childhood issues. Are the multi-faceted therapists?

The above is one big blur - I am not going to spell check it or read over it because that is what came from the brain when thinking about things. I'd really appreciate any feedback.

Thanks

Hi ttkkhh.

Firstly I need to say how very sorry I am to hear of the passing of your Mother ttkkhh. It is very normal to feel lost and overwhelmed at such a tumultuous time.

For those who feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......Psych Central is the place. There are many good listeners here... we're a pretty good bunch.

I have been an active member of this site for 4 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction in times of stress... a great way to clear my head, meet like minded others, and have some well needed fun. New members benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here...lots to explore.

Also after 5 approved posts members have the option to join the chatrooms..or chat one on one with other members.

Although you are a seasoned member, should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Please be kind & generous to yourself ttkkhh, and welcome to P.C