Drinking made me lose her

Hello everyone,

I'm an alcoholic. I haven't been to AA and I am just starting a 30-day challenge to do no drinking to see how far I can go. But given everything I have read and seen, I can't imagine I don't check off the necessary boxes to qualify. I'm just too afraid to go to an AA meeting.

This is one of the worst days of my life, which I will explain below. So I have a lot of issues, but at this point starting in the Addiction forum makes the most sense.

I'm 50 and have been divorced for 8 years. My mother left my father when I was in junior high school and I never saw my father again.

I started drinking late in high school with a couple of wine coolers at a cast party for a play. I definitely felt the buzz but did not realize at the time it was priming me for dealing with my social fears that way. My first binge drinking was in college. After a semester of that, I stopped almost completely because I knew I would flunk out if I kept partying.

While married, I drank wine and cocktails and some beer but never, ever got into any trouble in those situations. But one time at a work party during those years, I had a couple of whiskey sodas and got borderline sloppy. My colleagues chuckled, but I stopped drinking and did not realize the bigger risks in that warning sign.

Fast-forward to after my divorce. I was a free man, so to speak. I immediately went to hang out with a friend and met a really pretty younger woman who was a bartender at my friend's local bar. She and I hit it off enough for her to say yes when I asked her out. We had a very nice, normal date. But it seems the sex/romance/approval issues mixed in with my alcohol predilection and I started to visit her bar to try to convince her to get with me in that way. Huge mistake. As a recent divorcée, I was ignorant of bar culture and did not know I was breaking one of the cardinal rules of bartending - don't hit on the bartenders (well, especially true of don't hit on the female bartenders) - even in bars where there is a lot of use of sex appeal to gain business, it is both harassing and could be even delusional to think that a bartender's behavior can be taken at face value like a romantic opening. She sensed this and starting flirting with other customers probably in an attempt to let me know that this was not the place to try make myself special to her.

One day I had drinks elsewhere and dropped in at her bar like a sad puppy. I had more beer, got weepy, and she said it isn't gonna happen. I didn't realize I had no money left so I couldn't even pay. My friend's brother was there and covered by beers for me. She also finally sent me a compassionate but very final text before going to no contact. But it was the first of several drinking related humiliations to come.

Over the next few years, I hit on a couple of other bartenders and servers while drunk, got various patrons angry at me - both females who did not appreciate my attention and guys who got annoyed by my general behavior. I did eventually date a woman for a few months, but a lot of that relationship was based on drinking too. And so was a longer, one-year relationship as well. The first woman went to no-contact because I kept texting her while drunk. And the latter woman would probably do the same but for some reason she has this almost unshakable need to stay in touch with everyone and not cut them off. But I have managed to piss her off by drunk texting as well.

For the past 3 or 4 years, though, I have not dated, have spent way too much on drinking and bars, and have grown increasingly isolated because I am ashamed at the things I have done. I have become a bar fly and although I have learned to leave the bartenders and patrons alone, mostly I end up alone in the bars, drinking too much, admiring the pretty women around me but usually too insecure to try to talk with them. All the while I feel I am doing nothing productive with my personal life. I did meet one woman who liked me back and we made out at the bar, but ironically that was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me by rewarding my risky behavior.

Most recently, I met a woman at a bar and we kind of hit it off. I didn't feel the erotic yearning the way I did with the previous women, but I decided to humor the guy friend I was with and ask her out. We did got out and, of course, both got drunk. But I was far more sloppy and don't even remember what I did to upset her. But she left me at the bar. Later when I texted her she replied that she had not appreciated my come-ons. I asked if I could meet her over coffee to apologize in person, but naturally even though she said she would got back to me she never texted back.

For the past few months I have switched to a new role at work that is particularly stressful and unpleasant, so I have gone out drinking more to self-medicate and have twice had to take a day off when hung over. I hate myself for it but did nothing to stop because I was terrified at the prospect of enduring my evenings at home sober.

Most recently, I culminated my long-term habit of having a second Instagram account to follow the tons of gorgeous, mostly naked women on there. It was a quasi-pornographic experience and excited me because in some cases they would like my comments or even respond to my DMs. Of course, along the way I discovered that this is a business for most of these pages, and they began asking me for money. Of course, while drunk I did agree to one of the offers, so you are starting to get the picture of why bad things happen when I drink.

What brought to me current crisis is a young lady I met last year while she was visiting from Australia. We met at some live music I went to with my friend. I was already almost drunk and later I found out she had done some drinking too. But there was real immediate chemistry not clouded by alcohol somewhere in there, so she agreed to exchange info for Instagram and we stayed loosely in touch for months.

And then....

I had sent her a couple of relatively tame messages, but one day last week, I got super drunk at the bar (like 10 beers). At some point after 6 beers, for me, I start to do things that I see myself doing but for the life of me I swear I would never think of doing while sober. I know, Captain Obvious. But please bear with me. So that night, for me, I was too inebriated to be considerate of the time difference, for starters. And for another, I know she had told me she had dated a guy who drank a lot, and one day she was so sick she had to go to the hospital and he got drunk instead of going to see her.

While I was busy being oblivious to all of those warnings, I began a string of really sexual messages to her and even sent some pornographic videos from sites I had been watching while messaging her from home.

Eventually I passed out and woke up to messages from her saying things were busy at work and also never to send her porn again. I was immediately ashamed and remorseful. But even that did not stop me. It was all part of the downward spiral because I also felt so guilty that I could not just let the messaging cool off. I kept sending her apologies, and that caused things to get "meta," talking about this incipient proto-relationship. I immediately fell into shock and fear as I saw my dreams and plans of being with her crumbling before my eyes. After I messaged her drunk yet again, she told me she no longer felt the same way she had before.

At some point over the next day or so, I messaged her one last time on Instagram, after which she disappeared from there and from WhatsApp. That brings me to today.

I did cry a lot when that first (bartender) woman rejected me. But that woman never expressed open sexual interest in me or was willing to have me travel across the world to meet her. So for me to have gone so long without learning the lessons, and to do so through 100 percent my fault in a case where the woman really liked me, has made me feel completely sick with regret and self-hate. It's not like before where I could switch to other things to do or women to be interested in. This time makes me feel that I am the one who can repel even the most interested woman within a matter of days. I have been crying off and on for the past two days and I see no relief in sight from any "rebound" or other woman. Because it has never been more stark that this issue is emanating from me, not from anyone else. Also, even though I intellectually understand why women need to go to no contact in these cases, it feels so brutally final to me that I get physical symptoms from the rejection and feeling of abandonment. This episode is especially bad.

I'm not saying I don't have to quit alcohol. That much is obvious. But now I feel it's deeper than that, and that even sober I have a porn problem, and on top of that some kind of self-defeating behavior patterns that make me keep messing up when I get a chance to date a woman. I also have an aversion to being home alone, cooking alone, eating alone - perhaps due to shame at the neighborhood I live in, or loneliness, or both. I've never had any of my friends over to my apartment. I always feel an uncomfortable restlessness to not be home. Not to be too hyperbolic, but I feel trapped at home and forced to focus on my extremely lonely life and self-hating thoughts.

I have rarely felt worse. That self-hate is compounded by the fact that I feel stupid and incompetent almost every day at work due to the increased complexity of the work that I am now doing. The work was hard before, but I was familiar with it. Now every day is a new task which I have never seen before. It all has made me completely paralyzed as to how to cope with this in any kind of healthy way.

I know I don't have a sympathetic story, it involves engaging in very inappropriate and hurtful behavior towards women who initially must think I am nice and harmless. For example, the Australian young woman posted an Instagram poll about people's worst dates. One woman answered something like: "He arranged a NYE date and got drunk. He invited me home and passed out and I had sex with his house mate on the kitchen bench. I was the bad date." That answer actually enraged me, although at that point she had already blocked me so the rage was all in my head. So clearly I have a severe anger problem about women and sex as well. Some days I think I have some odd strain of Antisocial Personality Disorder - APD with remorse. I fear that each time I somehow am able to catch the interest of a woman whom I also like, I will almost immediately drive her away with some kind of crazy perverted outburst. And even if I avoid that by not drinking, I feel it is lurking in me like Mr. Hyde.

Well, that is the long-winded nutshell. I don't even know where to start, but perhaps someone can help me.

Your life will only be different when you decide to do things differently.
Your life will improve once you decide to quit drinking.
bizi

Hey Bermuda,

I can HEAVILY relate to what you're describing in your post above. First of all I hope you keep checking back here as I can see you don't have many posts. No matter what happens, please keep checking back and if nothing else, just reading. I am very similar to you, I'm also an alcoholic, but have not had a drink in 4 years and 4 months. You have to resist the urge to not come back here no matter what feelings are telling you not to. That is your alcoholism, and own mind (connected to the alcoholism) trying to play tricks on you. Doubts that pop in your head like "it's not really THAT bad" or "It's me not the alcohol" are just your mind playing tricks on you so you go back to what your mind convinces you is helping you (alcohol).

Your post is asking for help, and that is the clear headed you, realizing that you need to do something for to help yourself. If you don't take anything else from my post, just keep checking back here (the forums in general, addiction section) for a few days at least, and know that things don't have to continue this way.. If things are slow here and you aren't getting responses, I would consider reading more into A.A and local groups that deal with alcoholism (this will help your problems of being alone). A.A people are laregely some of the most non-judgemental people you will ever meet. They welcome newcomers.

I know the place you are at right now, very very well, as I was trapped there for many years myself. My father had become a bar fly for all of my life (I'm currently 34 and he's deceased). I'd avoided alcohol until late high school, but I'd begun drinking like you, around college, and eventually joined him in the bar fly lifestyle heading into my mid-20s (did month long rehab but was back to it at 27 and just passed 30 years old). Most of my 20's was some version of this, though, when you're younger it all seems a little more "normal" as in the partying lifestyle. What jumped out for me was your inability to be alone. This may be the hardest for you to hear and I don't mean to make light of it. I say that because I too have this issue, and am only now in the process of understanding it within myself.

When I say fear of being alone, I mean I got to the point where, I feared the night time. I began having panic attacks just driving around alone. I could have had the most PERFECT day, I would have the best intentions of NOT going out to a bar. To not drink. Then when night time came, I would try something else, cooking dinner, TV, videogames, chatting with a friend, cleaning, but the craving, and the fear of missing out what was happening at the bar, just being alone with myself and mind, was too much. If I did manage to just lock myself in my apartment, the next day was that much harder because I thought, well surely I can't do it again. I did this hundreds of times with myself, maybe thousands. It wears you down so much. It's ok to cry and feel vulnerable right now. It's a lonelyness that few will experience. But you are NOT alone. You may have heard about a "bottom." This is a bottom for you. BUT, the thing to remember about bottoms is that they can always get worse. It's like an elevator. You can choose, even if it feels like you can't right now, you can choose to have this be your bottom and where you start to rise again. I would say your seeking of women is also related to this fear of being alone. But first things first, don't pile on yourself right now. The other issues will seem much easier to work on when you've removed the alcohol and you can.

The self-loathing that comes from bouts of drinking, and the consequences, in this case, failed relationships with women, work problems, the complete emptyness, can be dibilitating but there is hope. The one thing you can do, to keep that hope going (which you still have otherwise you wouldn't have posted here) is to stop the drinking. That's priority #1. The fear of being alone, and relationship issues are all being made 100 times worse by the alcohol. It is the source of new problems, but also keeping you from working on the other problems that it makes flare up when you've had too much. This may sound impossible but people are doing it everyday and you can join them.

I will wrap this up and say, to keep this going, check back here, and read, or post frequently. But it's not enough early on. I would also begin looking into A.A meetings in your area. You can right now, today, replace going to a bar, with just going to a local meeting. You can find out when they start and the location, and just show up. You don't have to say anything, talk to anyone at all. There is nothing to know or special handshake, you can just go in grab some coffee and sit and listen. Also in this time, be kind to yourself and your own mind as best you can. It's ok to cry and to get this stuff out, but it's also time for action to handle the booze problem. Finally, some won't like this, but give A.A a chance. IF you find after some work, that it is not for you, there are alternatives. But for now I would look to A.A as a friendly place you can go to be around people who don't drink. I wish you the best and know that you are not alone.

Thank you, I know you are right. It's what my therapist used to tell me before he decided that I wasn't going to quit.

But thank you for the short and direct truth.

Thank you simplex.

Yes, I thought that way almost literally until last week. To have to face that this young lady, so attractive and much younger, connecting with me and equally interested in me, would so quickly not want to communicate anymore due to my barrage of drunken messages and porn videos, has really left my heart obliterated. Especially because so much of our communication was by phone and I used my phone for everything. So any alert that comes in, I hope she changed her mind and is messaging me back. Or being in my phone and the very act of doing anything on it reminds me of her.

Yes, that is me almost exactly. The only difference is that I didn't have my father through that period, so I think I finally gravitated towards drinking at that party because of the "liquid courage" factor, not knowing what I was getting into. On top of that,

I do have some love-hate problems with home, again not to be Freudian but I think it was the fact that my mother had to raise me and that is really tough for a mother to do with a teenage son. Even the best mother can't be a father to a son. So I started to just go along to get along and recall having a crush on a girl at that party and decided to drink. But as a pattern that would repeat itself for years after until last week, at some point in theory I should have asked her out or made a move and so on. But I did not. I just ended up leaning against a wall. So I don't really get liquid courage anyway from drinking. At this point I go straight to emotional gushing of pornographic nonsense. Because that has also been my home life for years now. So I am in this weird state where I balk at the prospect of cooking alone and eating alone at home, probably because I feel like a failure that I can't do that successfully with a woman in my life.

Yes, this is not the worst bottom in terms of pure drunkenness for me - I have passed out and a couple of times woke up with injuries sustained when I somehow fell while drunk. But this is by far the single worse emnotional bottom I've gone through. The crushing remorse of thinking that all I had to do was head home that night instead of stopping at the bar is killing me. But thanks for your kind words. I will somehow try to find some compassion for myself on that score.

I found a really good video on YouTube yesterday after crying.

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

A couple of the best lines from that video really hit home with me.

"And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him"

And:

"To fix your broken heart, you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them, and I mean all of them. The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about. The voids in your social life, the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang.

But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches for explanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn't be an extra."

What's so amazing about that video is that even in my devastated condition, the speaker made so much sense that it got through to me, if only for the night. He says two kinds of pursuits - "self-expansion" and "routine" - are needed to get past a break-up or bad rejection, because the brain activity is just like with a drug addict. Amazing.

I happened to be reading "The Brain That Changes Itself," which has an amazing chapter on love, attraction, and porn. The author points out that the human brain has two systems for pleasure - the "appetitive pleasure system" and the "consummatory pleasure system." The first uses dopamine and is geared towards the desire of chasing sex or other pleasure, while the second one uses endorphins and is geared towards satisfying and calming pleasure. This is covered in Chapter 4, "Acquiring Tastes and Loves."

So it dawned on me that my terrible fear of being alone is matched by my terrible fear of looking stupid in public, a subset of which is being rejected by women. That explains the porn habit I developed in my teens before I started drinking. So somehow I must have blended the addictions once I started to drink. Maybe it was a way to blunt the appetitive pleasure system convince me I was actually engaging in consummatory pleasure - or to put it in simpler terms, I had fantasies of all the pretty women I saw in bars, and somehow thought there was more of a chance that I would (in my fantasy) actually meet them, but even if not, still have a buzz that colored the women in the bar as having some odd kind of "relationship" with me. I don't know if that is exactly it, but I feel these are the puzzle pieces I need to fit together.

One last thing that supports what the brain book says - for days now I have all but lost my actual food appetite. That would make a ton of sense if what I am going through is mourning the loss of the appetitive chase I had with her, and which to my amazement she was returning. The remorse over that must have overloaded that part of me that handles appetite.

All of the above would also explain what I stated earlier: "That self-hate is compounded by the fact that I feel stupid and incompetent almost every day at work due to the increased complexity of the work that I am now doing. The work was hard before, but I was familiar with it. Now every day is a new task which I have never seen before. It all has made me completely paralyzed as to how to cope with this in any kind of healthy way."

Many times towards the end of the workday in recent years I have started planning which bar I would go, which one had pretty women who had talked with me in the past, as if bars are the place for someone like me to meet someone. That is its own hang-up because I feel insecure that there are men who do well with women in those situations. But again, as you said, that is a separate issue, one that can only be made worse by alcohol, and one that was another way to get that combined appetitive fix of a beer buzz and a hope for a woman to take interest in me.

I'll keep coming back to this forum, I just started here but I think I know what you are suggesting - that many people post and run and in that way avoid staying in a supportive group. All I can do now is keep trying for the next day. I may stop in at AA but can't promise that now. I just have my calendar to check off the days and the sorrow of how I screwed it up with that girl.

Thanks again for your reply.

I think you need to separate the drinking issues from the women issues. The route of the women issues is probably not drinking but drinking makes it rear its ugly head. A lot of people are afraid of AA and do not like its principles, think its a cult or too religious, so its not for everyone. I used AA to get sober 7 years ago and it worked on this skeptic. Are you driving to and from these bars? That part scares me and should scare you more than offending a woman. You could kill someone. People always want a bar to be set to tell if they are a real alcoholic. If you have a problem not drinking- its alcoholism. It doesnt matter what does or does not happen when drinking.
I think finding a good addictions specialist could help you through this. As far as the women thing goes its worth pursuing why you sexualize women then way you do. None of this means you are irredeemable though. None of this means your story deserves no sympathy. But truly until there are enough pain and consequences you will not stop drinking by not working some kind of program. They have outpatient alcohol programs that can help as well.

Thank you, sarasweets. No, I would never drive after drinking. I live in a city and take public transportation or cabs or walk.

I understand what you mean about separating the drinking issues from the women issues. But I also agree with what you said about pain and consequences, so it just happens that both issues combined in this latest perfect storm - I really doubt I would have made such a horrendous set of actions while sober, including the way I finally drove her away. The remorse and sadness that I feel is so much worse because so far it seems unfixable with this woman - she has just stopped responding to my messages completely after being so into me that she said it was distracting her at work. All in the space of one week. It is just so awful and humiliating.

Thanks though for your helpful comments. I will try to get through this pain and so far am on day 3 of no drinking.

Bermuda,

Proud of you for 3 days with no drinking that's great! Glad to see too that you posted again and getting involved. Thanks also for sharing the song and reading you've been doing. I love stuff like that and have always been fascinated by the brain. There's a line in a song by this band Interpol, "tell them now your pleasure's set upon slow release." I don't know if I ever fully understood it until you saying that. Maybe that's what the writer intended.

This is great.... I would say to you, try to think of it in terms of, not only a broken heart for this woman that you think you messed it up with (you did but no sense in beating yourself up more), but think of it as a broken heart for yourself... Your true self, without any external things like alcohol, women, etc. defining who you are. That person (true self) has been neglected it seems like, and I say that because up until 2 months ago, I was also doing that, just with no booze and less immediate and harsh consequences. I still found myself finding my pleasure and worth from external things. When I realized this, and started thinking back... it is almost embarrasing to say but I had lived my whole life that way. From my rough childhood onward I was just kind of existing and being as nice as I could while trying to hide the rage I felt inside. Still am really, but I have had an awakening and I can't explain it fully. But, after that awakening I setup counseling immediately and had my second counseling session today so I am moving forward and listening mostly to what the counselor suggests.

The real you is still there and has been the whole time. This is an opportunity of self discovery, and just from how much you've shared already, it seems like you have so much to share and give, and appreciate within yourself. At this time try as best you can to be kind to yourself. Your mind will proably be going 1000 mpm, but not everything needs to be analyzed and figured out, it's mostly just noise at this point. Think about self care as priority #1, basics like eating, drinking water, and sleeping. That is a part of getting back to a routine. There are online A.A meetings available and chat rooms if your cravings get very tough, I would search for them online. Some are forums like this one. One I found helpful is (soberrecovery.com). Another thing I found helpful is journaling. Try to keep the focus on yourself and withold judgement on what you write.

Finally, something that was helpful for me was finding an addiction counselor. They are a great resource and outside perspective on our lives. Again good to see you. And sorry if this seems preachy I don't intend for it to be in the least bit. Best of luck today to you

Thank you simplex, that means a lot.

"From my rough childhood onward I was just kind of existing and being as nice as I could while trying to hide the rage I felt inside." That has also been me for way too long. This recent incident of driving away a great girl by drinking has brought a lot of it back, but I am now into day 4 and am trying to do other things like walking and avoiding carby and fatty snacks. Nothing wrong with those for me usually, but I am finally just trying to sit with the terrible pain. They say pain is the best teacher, which really is kind of messed up, but I feel like in some ways it can be true. In this case even thinking about going to a bar makes me sad for her again. So I am riding that as long as I can.

My next step is to become less isolated. Part of my current anguish is that for some reason I did not make the connection that she was the first deep connection I have had in ages, and to lose that so fast made me see all the other lack of connection there while I took her for granted. The 99% of my emails that are from stores or spammers. The fact that so much of my social life has revolved around drinking that I don't know how to plan. And the fear that wherever I go I will be reminded of her.

I am thinking about going to an in-person AA meeting as you suggested, which may be one way of being less isolated but also maybe in the company of people who surely know what I am going through.

BermudaRectangle.

That's great to hear Bermuda. You will be pleasently surprised I hope when you make a visit.

Also awesome to hear you recognizing your own isolation. This could be a two birds with one stone situation and just get you around some people with the same goals as you as you mentioned. Excited for you and the start of a new journey. Best of luck and feel free to reach out to me if you ever need anything. I'm still pretty new and by all means don't have it all figured out.

Anyway take care man!

Thanks, simplex. Almost onto Day 5. I made a call to the therapist I had stopped seeing in the spring and he had a cancellation this evening so I was able to see him and recount the above story. He has always recommended that I stop drinking because I have so much trouble drinking in moderation. He was understanding and supportive and I may start going to him. I cried for the first time ever in his office, I am still hurting from missing the Australian lady. I know many people will think she's too young or she's halfway around the world, but this one was more meaningful than someone might expect. And I absolutely ruined it and hurt and shocked her a lot for her to stop communicating with me.

I'm bracing myself for heading to an AA meeting sometime over the next week, if only to look for a non-harmful evening without being isolated. I'm even thinking crazy things like if she got back in touch and we somehow met up would she see me as pathological for having to quit drinking because I can't handle my liquor. I have a lot of shame and anger over these kinds of manhood issues. I don't feel like a real adult because I can't drink in moderation. It's embarrassing and I'd feel so inadequate hanging out with her or even a date here at home but with no drinks. But I get that all of those thoughts are irrational but I don't know what to replace them with.

But man, the whole world has lost its color. Everything makes me feel sad and pining for her. I have to find a way to be productively compassionate with myself because I am inclined to think that God put her in my life, even if for a short time of mutual enjoyment and connection, and what damage inside of me decided going to bars to drink was a better option? Insane.

Thanks again simplex.

Don't mean to keep leaning on you for replies but I am coming back like you said. Hope that is ok.

Last night I had a scary dream. I was sitting at a bar and they poured me half a beer glass of tequila. I took a sip then stopped and recoiled, and put on my jacket to leave. I was horrified because I had sent my 30-day challenge to her and even a sip would break it. I woke up relieved to find out it was only a dream. But it was a crazy warning because I almost never have dreams that literal.

I am still crying for her a little each day. She blocked me on all the ways I could communicate with her. I posted somewhere else where they basically mocked this, saying why would she care about 30 days. But at this point it is all I can hang my hopes on, that before she blocked me she saw that 30-day promise and might feel safe enough to contact me out of curiosity a few weeks from now.

Anyway, thanks again and I will keep checking in.

I related to a lot of your story. Been sober for 11 years. Experienced every kind of consequence there is except for dying or a liver transplant. I will also be direct. You may have a woman problem. You may. But you don't know that right now. Right now, what you have is a massive alcohol problem that is probably affecting every aspect of your life, whether you are aware of all that or not. Personally, I believe your woman issues would be much, much more manageable if your judgment wasn't constantly being assaulted by a drug world-famous for its poor judgment properties.

There are also lots of recovery meetings out there for people with various sorts of sex addictions. You might read about that and see if you think you might fit. It could be helpful to have the support of others who are going through a similar thing. You will also find a forum here on PC, Maybe peruse that.

I live in a sort of medium-sized city of close to three million. I can honestly say that really the only places I feel truly understood and welcome and not judged are recovery meetings like AA. I think you have the wrong idea about what AA is all about. They are your people.

Thanks bpcyclist. I'm on Day 6. Went to my first AA meeting tonight. They were very nice people, very supportive, and I did a 3-minute share that I managed to do without breaking into tears. They meet every Friday which I will attend for as long as I can. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks.

Day 7 without drinking or porn.
Still walking for miles listening to music trying to just exhaust myself by at least doing something not detrimental. Also finally had a full meal for the first time in about a week and saw a movie.
But I break down crying for her as soon as I get home. I am so sad and so guilty and so ashamed. And she has not unblocked me, and although her Instagram is public I don't want to try messaging her because I know that will just make things worse. This is probably the single worst thing I have ever done in my life in terms of irreversible mistakes. And I know everyone will say that is why you have to stop drinking. Which I get but the only reason I met her in the first place was because I went drinking while listening to some live music. So I guess in that sense I would never have met her and would not be missing her now had I never been drinker. But I don't want to have not met her. This is just horrible.

Anyway I will keep pressing on to the next day.

congratulations on one week!!!!!
Did you meet with the therapist?
bizi

Yes I met with my therapist, who happened to have a cancellation that evening. I will keep going to the Friday AA meeting until I can work out a new schedule with my therapist or have him refer me to another appropriate therapist. I continue to feel gut-wrenching physical pain from missing her. Will just keep trying to get through each day.

Thanks.

yes take it as it comes. keep coming here if it helps you.
bizi

You're doing awesome! One day at a time. Things will get better.

I hope so. I broke down and messaged her on Instagram and now she changed her page name entirely so it is truly over.

I am in so much pain. I didn't want to scare her off but I could not believe I could do nothing to fix it after she liked me so much.

I feel so broken I am afraid to to approach any woman ever again this is so brutal and horrifying. And it is so much worse than that because I met her because I went out to see music with my friend and now all of that side of my life is corrupted and ruined by my stupidity and recklessness.

And all my sports and bar rituals because she and I shared chatting while I was there. Also baseball because she told me she would have loved to go to a game date with me.

And my movie and tv life and music because she and I talked about tv. And theater because she saw a favorite play of hers while here and we chatted about that. Now every time I hear about that show or see its image anywhere I am reminded of my mistakes, same as when I walk through the theater district.

And all of my city because I met her when she visited here and I thought I would plan to visit her there in her city.

And my sex life and impulses are all completely shattered of course because all of this happened because I watched porn and sent it to her while I was watching. I guess maybe in my drunkenness I wanted to flood her with all of this and hope she would still like me. Maybe someday I will figure out why I would do such a destructive thing. But for now it just really hurts because it is all my fault.

And finally because all of this happened between me and her on my phone, every ding or beep of an alert, every phone call, every app I use, is tied to this colossal mistake of mine.

It is a completely global disaster for my life it is absolutely astonishing to me, there is no way to compartmentalize it and see a way to move on. It's a part of everything.

And tomorrow my work week starts, and I know how intrusive I was to her that day when she was at work.

I hate myself so much.