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Member
Member Since Dec 2019
Location: jordan
Posts: 25
4 28 hugs
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#1
where to start .
im 35 male and i was an addict for the most of my life , im clean for 5 years now and i had professional therapy and still do and everything was great , i even went voluntarily to AA meetings to proove to my self im in total control . having a job was going all find and i worked behind the bar again with all the alcohol and dont even think about drinking ( i wasn't much of a drinker in the first place , i was into heavier things ) i let go off all my bad relationships with the people who were a bad influence on me , i realized how strong i can be , i was in control of my life again to the point i was ready to be in a healthy relationship again , i had a new prespective on life . and i met this girl , a good girl , maybe too young for me but i liked her (20 years old ) we been in harmony for almost a year , and then she had to travel to see her family in russia on feb , now she cannot return to me because of the pandemic , and this been going for weeks now and still more to go , and few days ago she said she want to stop communicating because she cannot deal with the distance . i understand that because of her age shes not ready to commit in that way , im okay with that , but now i feel so sad and angry about it i want to destroy my self again , maybe its the home stay thing but i dont understand why im feeling this way i was always stronger than emotions , and i learned how to be in control of my feelings , im afraid i will be taking pills again or find my way back to drugs , im so scared of what my mind may dectate to me ! i dont feel so in control any more , could this girl have this much effect on my mental state ??? or this is all because of the quarantine ?? im home everyday all day and im alone in the appartment and i talk to no one , only phone or social media , i was never this weak , i dont understand why im feeling this way or why im thinking about getting high again . my therapist will only discuss this on a paid session which is not available anytime soon !!and i cant share this with friends or family they wont understand . PLEASE ADVICE __________________ its all within |
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Raindropvampire, unaluna
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Moderator
Community Support Team Member Since Mar 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,281
18 75 hugs
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#2
I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal and ok. Relationship stress can be a big trigger for old emotional stuff even without the added stress of being isolated and dealing with the fear of COVID.
As an alcoholic I used alcohol for years to deal with my unpleasant feelings. I suspect you did too. So when tough stuff comes up now, there's a part of me that just wants to say F*-it and drink to achieve a temporary state of numbness. But I'm not going to. I'm not sure what your support system is like, but you say you went to AA in the past. Maybe check out some of their on-line or phone meetings. Keeping in touch with friends is really important too. I have a schedule with my friends that we talk regularly so that no one gets too isolated. I'm also doubling down on my recovery reading, writing, and participating in my program's on-line forum. I find it helps. If you want an alternative to AA SMART Recovery is really good and has a ton of on-line resources and meetings. Keep posting here too, and reaching out for help. We're here for each other. splitimage |
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WormholeWizard
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Bill3, unaluna
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Elder
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: Where? US
Posts: 5,621
14 101 hugs
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#3
When we feel this low, our addictions get triggered. This dumb virus is messing up a lot of things. Please be kind to yourself and take care of you! When I don't take care of me, my addiction can take control. And the sooner that realization happens, one can see progress.
You may feel like drowning, and that is when self care is important. What can you do for self care that has worked in the past? And if you don't know, ask us here. We can help guide you in this hard time! |
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WormholeWizard
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Bill3
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Grand Member
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 807
8 86 hugs
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#4
Do not drink I returned to that method of coping this past week and now on Day 2 without alcohol....all it caused me was a "wrecked body and sense of self"...a totally dirty house with laundry and dishes Lingering (prior to my binge I was on top of things)...beer cans everywhere...too many to count....waking up with fear in the middle of the night wondering if I was going to die cause I drank 18 beers that night and my heart was pounding out of my chest....no shower for 5 days....took 2 full days of just rest to be even able to shower and i had to go to the store for food today and felt like a walking zombie.
I am coming out of the fog and I thank God I was able to stop ...I had 8 years sobriety at one time....Relationships do push very emotional buttons...and I know for me I am stuck in a place of do I leave or do I stay...(he does not live with me but we try to mend our broken lives and always end up in distress)...we miss each other but when my emotional buttons get pushed (which always happens in a relationship that is struggling) the first thing I want to do is drink and every time I use that "remedy" I almost kill myself. Its not worth it...if you feel like your drowning now....if you drink I can promise you will be really drowning in much more pain and sorrow and fear than you are now. __________________ "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell" (My girlfriend had this ringtone for my phone calls...lol) Bipolar 1 Anxiety Current Medications: Lorazepam Zoloft Abilify Gabapentin |
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Guiness187055
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