My husband is an alcoholic

I could really use some advice from people who have been there. I’ve been married 18 years, and we have two kids under 10. My husband has always been a great provider (I currently stay at home), and through I worried about how drinking might affect his health, otherwise, it didn’t seem to affect our life in a big way for the most part. It’s really just been the last two years that his drinking has gotten so out of hand that it has really damaged our relationship, fed by his depression and mood swings. He started passing out before the kids were even in bed, sometimes outside on our porch or patio. I was getting no help with the kids. All he did was work and drink.

That wasn’t the worst of it. He’s always struggled with depression, and four or five times a year, he’d go over the deep end and take all of his frustrations out on me verbally. It was a Jekyll and Hyde situation. I could live with it, as it was infrequent, but in the last two years, these irrational outbursts became almost constant, often triggered by his drinking.

Last Fall, he quit drinking for two months when his mom confronted him because he was having memory problems. (I had confronted him about that and other issues, but I had had no effect.) He decided to start drinking again “in moderation”, but that didn’t work out well.

A few days ago, I’d had enough of the verbal abuse and said he either had to quit drinking or we were done. At first he refused, but then we saw a counselor and he agreed. Now he’s barely talking to me. He said he needs space and needs to be alone, but he also expressed some blame toward me, that I was making him quit. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted him to understand how much he’d been hurting me. The fact that I’d leave him after 18 years of marriage was supposed to make that pretty obvious, although I also put it into words for him. Now that he’s being even more withdrawn than usual, I feel frustrated, lonely, and depressed. Our once strong connection feels tenuous at best. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him either because of his addiction or because he blames me for his unhappiness. He’s going to see a therapist to address his problems expressing his emotions in healthy ways, but I’m really worried that he’s not willing to accept help for his addiction. Any advice about any of this would be appreciated. Also, is there a board for the partners of alcoholics? I need support, and I have very little.

Hopefully others will come on and help you. I don't know about other boards.

I had a problem with various family members and in-laws drinking. It isn't the same as you but it really depressed me. I went to Alanon. Alanon really helped me to put everything into perspective, including my own reactions.

I have a girlfriend who is going through the same as you...only they are near retirement with children grown. Everything you spoke about has increased for her...his moods, acting out, withdrawing, blaming her, refusing to get help. She is living in hell.

These things seem to be progressive and only get worse. My friend's husband was always a good provider, they have a lovely home etc. It was just that slowly over-the-years he got worse...especially as he got older. Now he drinks daily. They barely talk.

So I would think that facing it head-on is the best thing. Personally it took me a very long time to get free of being entangled with other people's addiction. Even when I knew it all in my head...my habits of codependency remained. I was too nice, too enabling, put up with too much.

Finally I am free of all that.


Sadly, you cannot control what others do. You can only control how you respond. I think that is my core advice. And that is what Alanon helps people to grasp. There are books out there on codependency that perhaps you should read.

Good luck. It is very tough situation. I hope others here will respond to you soon.

Thank you. I was in denial for a long time about my husband’s drinking, definitely have done a lot of enabling.

I am sure you are feeling really horrible. And you have the kids. You don't yet know how this will turn out. If you begin not enabling he could get angry about that, too. I mean, you both have habits that have been in place for a long time. But NO ONE deserves abuse, verbal or otherwise.

Like I said, things are still in flux. Perhaps he will come around.


It is so common to try "social drinking" because he is afraid that he won't be able to live a "new normal" but...yes, if he quits drinking he will have to confront his personal demons.

I think AA has a support group for families of alcoholics. You can check.

You need to want to change who you are to actually do something about it. My brother still has a drinking problem and I'm a former addict. My turning point was developing schizoaffective disorder. If my medication didn't negate the high of cocaine and other uppers, I would still be (ab)using them. If I didn't think my family was plotting to have me executed by the syndicate everytime I smoked some weed, I'd still be smoking it.

Usually it takes something serious for any addict to want to quit on their own. The most prevalent being a health scare, or health concerns. If I didn't gag everytime I smoked a cigarette, I wouldn't have even thought about quitting.

Sometimes people can recognize the warning signs and they will turn their life around. If you can be persistent when voicing your concerns, (if he shares health issues with you) then maybe you can drill the thought into his head that things can't continue this way.

My brother told my dad about some health problems he'd been having due to his alcoholism, but even my dad, a former alcoholic, knew that ultimately its up to him to change, so he didn't say anything about it. and if he's going to change, its up to him to get his **** together.