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Old 06-26-2020, 07:43 PM   #1
Nitrous
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Default Introduction Nitrous87

Hi everyone. I dont really know what to write. I've been an addict for many years, on various substances. Mostly uppers, opiates for a while. I'm in treatment, one-to-one counseling mostly. I used to do groups but stopped because of work. I've never really been a fan of 12 step groups, but I did use them for a while. Lately I feel the need to talk to others about some of the things I've done and been through, hoping I can find that here.
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Old 06-27-2020, 02:24 PM   #2
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Default Re: Introduction Nitrous87

I'm just going to start writing. Just consider a huge trigger warning to apply to all of this.

TRIGGER WARNING

I started smoking weed in high school, right before I turned 18. I've smoked off and on since then. Mostly through college, then rarely until meeting my current boyfriend. I don't believe that I've abused weed, and that's the only reason why I still smoke. But I didn't start this to talk about weed.

In college I started abusing pseudoephedrine. I used it all the time, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I spent close to a year doing that. I don't remember why I quit, but eventually I did.

I drank a lot, starting in college. I've done so much while drunk that I never would have otherwise. I was assaulted, I cheated, I had one night stands with random men, I drove everywhere drunk, sometimes blacked out. I was a terrible person when I drank.

My boyfriend and I used to play around with drugs, until last year. We've shared an addiction to cocaine, and used it whenever we could. A few years ago we started using opiates. Started using pills for pain, then because they were fun. Eventually we started using heroin. For a year and a half we used, but didn't think it was bad because we weren't using daily and we weren't getting sick. But early 2019 I overdosed, twice. The first time we were lucky and had narcan, but the second time he had to call 911 and the police got involved. It was a nightmare. A year long nightmare. That was the night we quit heroin. It's now been a year and 3 months.

Sometimes I feel ashamed of my past, but I know I can't change it, so it's whatever. I'm in treatment now, have been since my overdoses. I was able to get off opiates without meds, which was nice, but sometimes I still have cravings. Like some days I think about asking a coworker who uses if he can sell me anything, but I haven't yet. I jeed to talk to someone about that.

This has gotten long, so I'll stop. Might add more later, not sure yet.
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Old 06-29-2020, 12:07 AM   #3
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Default Re: Introduction Nitrous87

Congratulations on kicking H, what a massive accomplishment and gift to you from you. I was an opiate addict in the late 90s and still had a few cravings into maybe 2004 or so, then, it all stopped. Tried buprenorphene, but I don't think it really did a thing for me. Since you don't like 12 step stuff, i do not have any cousel for you, other than to never use heroin or opiates of any kind again. I have lost a friend who was clean for years to it recently. He went back out and OD'd on his first fix. Dead. 26 years old. Bam. The other guy was a much closer friend, polysubstance stuff, mostly coke and alcohol Dead at 51 . Professor at Harvard. Very successful, brilliant, well-off money-wise. All the ladies dug him, very handsome and very charming and witty and just a lovely, lovely man with a sweet heart. But none of that could save him. Total fu***ng waste of talent.

I suspect you and I have a similarly bad underlying addiction tendency. It has always been my belief that, were I to relapse again, and it has been 12 years now, I would almost certainly die. That is the kind of addiction I have. I know that and it helps keep me straight. So far, anyway.

I hope you can stay clean. Life is beautiful. Flowers, children, puppies, mountains, love, novels, movies. Food. Family and friends. Sending you support and love. Keep doing what you are doing. It is working.
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Old 06-29-2020, 04:16 PM   #4
Nitrous
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Default Re: Introduction Nitrous87

Thanks for the reply bpcyclist, I was afraid no one would post. I saw your post in the dual diagnosis thread and I agree, I think a lot of my addiction is treating mental health issues. I crave that numbing, though I argued once that it was stupid because depression already makes me numb. But its different from drugs, I guess. Still haven't figured that one out yet.
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Old 07-01-2020, 07:14 AM   #5
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Default Re: Introduction Nitrous87

I definitely relate in craving the numbing. That's what I got from drinking. One of the toughest things we have to learn in recovery is to stay with and feel our feelings. But it does get easier with time and practice.

This can be a great place to process stuff and get support, but would like a IRL alternative to AA, I'd suggest SMART recovery. I know a lot of people who use that group and really like it.

Also not sure of your gender, but if you're female, there's also Women for Sobriety, which is the program I use.

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As some of you may know, my blog is currently off-line due to some problems at my previous site host. I'm working with my web master to rebuild and get back on-line.
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Old 07-04-2020, 03:01 PM   #6
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Congratulations on kicking opiates! Especially without other meds.... I was addicted for 4 years to oxy and it took rehab and suboxene to kick my habit. Like you, the 12 step program wasn't my cup tea. Although some of their slogans still rind true.

You can fight this, one day at a time.

Also, try SMART recovery-- it's more CBT based and less stringent.
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Old 07-04-2020, 03:06 PM   #7
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Default Re: Introduction Nitrous87

Congratulations on kicking opiates! Especially without other meds.... I was addicted for 4 years to oxy and it took rehab and suboxene to kick my habit. Like you, the 12 step program wasn't my cup tea. Although some of their slogans still rind true.

You can fight this, one day at a time.

Also, try SMART recovery-- it's more CBT based and less stringent.
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