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Joyce23
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 11
3 yr Member
Angry Aug 23, 2020 at 12:28 PM
  #1
I need to clear my head of a few things, related to obsessive/compulsive behaviour and addiction, and how I value myself as a human being.

I keep looking back on the past. I shouldn't. I know it's a waste of time and gets me nowhere by doing so, but I keep doing it. I can't forgive myself for having wasted my time, for having procrastinated, when I could've done something about it a long time ago. I allowed things to go on and on, dragging myself down deeper and deeper, and just getting angrier and angrier at myself. It's a trait of impulsive (or maybe compulsive) people: they're driven by the past, instead of being focused in the present and planning for the future, making preparations, putting steps in place to achieve their goals. My problem is that I don't have executive functioning skills, and I can't project myself into the future. Five years ago, I couldn't see myself where I am today. I didn't think about the future. I lived in the present, like an animal. If I saw anything, it was nothing at all, because I didn't see myself living for the future. Even if I plan things, try to organise and structure my day, my week - even if it's just setting myself one goal - I don't get the work done within the time that I set for myself (I have to fall back on my own judgment about how and when I get things done); or I slack off, or I can't find the motivation and focus, so I have to find it all over again. I have to overcome the same hurdles every time, the same struggle.

I don't cope well with stress or pressure; like a bottom lobster, I just want to crawl inside my shell and stay safe and never venture out. Like a hikikomori, I just want to be left alone, without having to deal with people. (I watched an anime some months ago called Welcome to the N.H.K. about a hikikomori in his twenties, and I found the protagonist to be very relatable. Of course, he eventually did meet someone and fall in love - a teenage girl, 18 years old, who felt so useless and wretched in her own life that when she found the protagonist, who was even more useless than her, she resolved that if she could help him overcome his hikikomori condition, then she could feel better about herself because at least one person needed her, and gave her purpose in life. I've often thought that's the only way I could ever meet someone; but life isn't fiction. The big revelation that the protagonist reaches is that you can only be a hikikomori if you can afford the lifestyle. It's a privilege to avoid all social interaction whatsoever, to avoid all responsibility, to do nothing at all with your life. But it's a path that leads to emptiness, not fulfilment; it's a path you should want to avoid, but you want to take it because being an adult is scary; it's hard, it's tough; and the protagonist has to learn that lesson the hard way. When his parents cut off his allowance, he's forced, in the end, to get a job, for the first time in his life. He's forced to start becoming an adult, and being responsible. You can't just be a child for the rest of your days.)

It's not as though I don't know why I haven't done anything. I take the path of least resistance. I avoid doing the hard thing, so I end up being incredibly hard and judgmental on myself, which only makes things worse. I have to tried to be resilient and disciplined on my own. I have tried to defy myself, my nature. I have tried to be a happy lobster. Sometimes I have actually made some progress, and I feel better about myself - only marginally better, perhaps, which is better than not at all. I can feel a tangible difference when I'm focused and concentrating on the task at hand (my attention is laser-focused), when I'm determined to succeed, to do the job, to "get the work done" to the best standard that I can under the current circumstances. And I'm able to say, I am happy with what I have done. It might not be much, but it's something. I think it's good, I think I've done a good job. But it's never enough; the feeling never lasts; I end up repeating myself, over and over. Sometimes I think I'm insane, but I'm sure that I'm not.

It's not as though the right mindset and attitude isn't there, or the ability or competence is lacking, but it's taking the action, it's sticking to the course, it's "landing the plane" (to allude to the Angry Video Game Nerd review of Top Gun on the NES); it's not veering off the road, it's doing what is hard because it's worthwhile, because it means you'll accomplish something and you'll live a fulfilling, meaningful life; it's having the spine to see it through and not just giving up because that's far too easy to do. No one wants to shoulder responsibility; we want to shrug it off, like Atlas did with the world. I think of what the Ninth Doctor said in the novelisation of Rose (2018), when Rose Tyler asks him what he does: 'I don't do anything. I just travel. [...] Believe it or not, all I want is a quiet life. No job, no wage, no boss, no tax, no home, no responsibilities. Just me.' But that's the thinking of a child, not an adult man. An adult has responsibilities - to himself, first of all, then to others, starting with his family, then his friends, then the community (including work, etc.). He fulfils his responsibilities so that he can maximise meaningfulness and purpose in his life.

It's not that I didn't want to achieve something with myself, but I allowed the same old distractions to get in the way, constantly. I tried to live without them, but I couldn't; I tried to kick the same old habits, but I failed. I tried to cut them out of my life, but if I wasn't distracted by them I was distracted by something else (like my own imagination, for example, leading to episodes of maladaptive daydreaming, as I would spend hours idling away on fantasy fiction meant only for my own pleasure, that served no productive end, that no one else would've been interested in anyway if I had anyone to talk to about anything). I was distracted by sexual desire. It became so unbearable at times that I couldn't look at any woman (on the street, on the train, in a public building, in the workplace) without thinking about her in that way (the more unattainable she was - because she was already in a relationship, because she was "out of my league"; which was every woman, even those that had a few of the same interests as me - the more desperately I wanted to be with her); and, naturally, I turned to pornography. As the desire became overwhelming, I found myself relying on pornography like a crutch; it was a coping mechanism, but it was also a hindrance, another distraction. (It's not as bad as it used to be, granted. I'm not over it, but I could live without it if I had no access to the Internet and was surrounded by other things that I enjoy; and there was no possibility of encountering a member of the opposite sex, since that's the primary trigger - the desire to be with a woman. And I say I could live without it, because I recognise there are more important needs in life than short-term sexual gratification - making something of yourself, for a start; though in saying that, there are primal, animal, internal needs that everyone has - sex is one, food and warmth are others.)

(And before anyone asks, yes, I have read several books on pornography and Internet addiction, namely by Patrick Carnes and Gary Wilson. I have also read The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell, which covers the topic, and I have researched it extensively online. I tried NoFap in the past, and I tried SA, but it wasn't for me. I am very familiar with the neuroscience behind addiction. I have seen myself reflected in Brandon from Shame (2015).)

I have nothing more to say at the moment.
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