advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Lostsoul3
Newly Joined
 
Lostsoul3's Avatar
Lostsoul3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1
3 yr Member
Default Aug 24, 2020 at 02:50 AM
  #1
The past few years have been a time of reflection and noticing patterns and just getting tired of myself and my behaviors. I want to grow and be better. One of the things that jumpstarted my soul searching was realizing one night that I had taken so much adderall that I lost count. And I had been for a while. I was supposed to be a mother. Why was I being so risky and irresponsible? That isn't the only drug I have abused past or present. I also use cocaine. Smoke weed. And I enjoy xanax as well. None of this is done around my kid. Although the adderall convinced me I was a better mom with it than without it. Supermom. So between motherhood, full time healthcare work with long hours and overnight shifts and keeping the house clean, laundry, appointments and wanting to have energy to still play with my son, I did take it around him. I lived off of coffee and 240mgs of adderall every day for 2 years. Until it just stopped working and I was back to being old me. And eating like crazy. But as far as weed, I only smoke before bed at night. And the xanax helps me relax and sleep. The cocaine can be very similar to adderall for me, as far as once I get going, I'm not stopping. I love the feeling of amphetamines and stimulants and speed. I like myself better on them. I feel a confidence and motivation that I have lacked all my life. But I am noticing that while I may not be on something constantly, I cant wait to get something in me. I can go without. But then I go on binges that have ended with me in the hospital. I swore off adderall 3 years ago. I dont take it like I used to. But why am I still taking it at all? I binge about every 2 weeks. It doesn't even feel good anymore. So could this be an addiction? Is there a scale of measurement? I am willing to admit I have an unhealthy habit and contemplate opening up and getting help. But will I look stupid going to a room of heroin addicts and alcoholics who can actually die if they don't get their medicine and claiming to be an addict because of some prescription pills that college kids abuse all the time? I am open for any insight, advice or opinions. I am tired of being on the fence. I want help. But do I need it?
Lostsoul3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bpcyclist, KBMK
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, KBMK

advertisement
KBMK
Member
KBMK has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
3 yr Member
612 hugs
given
Default Aug 24, 2020 at 06:13 PM
  #2
Hi, I think it's really positive to contemplate what you want and need, and what's healthy and unhealthy. As far as getting help...if you want help to change the habits and behaviours you don't like, I'd say go ahead and ask for it! Lots of people are happy to share their journeys and experience and extend a helping hand to someone in want as much as in need...I don't think you're looking stupid for getting the help before it gets worse, especially if you're feeling out of control. It sounds like you're putting a ton of pressure on yourself to be the best you can be...or even better than that! It's kind of admirable! I hope you can get out this trouble.
I've been in and out of trouble with drugs alcohol and compulsive behaviours. The thing that's been a fairly constant problem since age 10/11 is binge eating. I didn't take it seriously as a compulsion/addiction till recently...I know it's harmful and out of control though, and for me that's enough of a reason to get help. I just signed up to a twelve step group who meets near me, OA. I hope the support helps, because I'm struggling a lot some days. For ages I read about addiction and listened to podcasts. Positive Sobriety podcast has helped me understand addiction a lot better. I think Chip Dodd and Stephen James have great insight on recovery.
Positive Sobriety Podcast

Idk if you give that a listen if any of it will seem to fit with your life. I know it did with mine.

Hope you get your wants and needs met one way or another, Lostsoul3 K
KBMK is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
bpcyclist
Legendary
 
bpcyclist's Avatar
bpcyclist has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
40.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 24, 2020 at 09:29 PM
  #3
I applaud your courage in maybe acknowledging there may be a problem for you. That nascent maybe-insight may save your life.

So, you know where I come from. I have congenital, infant-onset bipolar1. Was not diagnosed until age 41 because I learned to hide it and be sneaky as a toddler and due to elite academic and career success.

I only met full criteria for addiction once, in '99. Tramadol. An extremely complex pain med fraudulently marketed as nonaddictive. It is also a mega, mega anitidepressant, much better than as a pain med. I was horribly depressed.
Tramadol cured that and I refused to stop taking it. The part I got addicted to was the weak opiate part.

Having been doing this a long time, in my opinion there are 2 basic addict types. One who like to get high. And two, those w untreated or poorly treated mental illness. I am clearly the latter. Been sober for a zillion yrs. Which are you? Did you have depression before?

Amphetamine and coke fans often are chasing fatigue, low energy, or depression. Weight loss. You?

Do you have a problem w substances? To me--absolutely. Big-time. Been on Adderall a bunch. I weigh 190 and always nd huge doses of meds. 240 mg is an absolutely psychotic and incredibly dangerous dose for a human. Max for me was ever 60 XR. Where on earth did you find a doc willing to prescribe that? They wld lose their license here.

People perish from cocaine all the time. Heart attacks, arhythmias, vasculitis. Hep C and HIV. Super dangerous. Prison time.

So, if you think there is no issue cuz Adderall requires an rx, I have one word for you: oxy. 2 trillion dollars in damge to US economy. Nuf said.

Those heroin addicts and alcoholics you may surmise you are healthier than cld teach you an s-load.

So, get help before you are arrested or have a giant stroke. Your son and you deserve it.

PM me any time. Praying for you.

Hugs.

__________________
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
bpcyclist is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SalingerEsme
 
Thanks for this!
SalingerEsme
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:43 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.