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Families Today: Children Of An Alcoholic

BY: T. BERRY BRAZELTON, M.D., and JOSHUA SPARROW, M.D.

Q. My husband is an alcoholic. We have three small children. What is an appropriate age to begin to explain alcoholism to our children? They are understandably confused by his behavior when he is under the influence. Any resources you could recommend would be appreciated.

-- Name withheld

A. Alcoholism can be a devastating disease - for the person suffering from it, and for close family members who suffer with him.

Sadly, it is also all too common, and all too often affects small children. About 11 million (one in four) children in the U.S. under the age of 18 are growing up with alcohol abuse or alcoholism in the family, and these children are at greater risk for child abuse, depression, anxiety and school problems than other children. Yet only 5 percent of them receives help, even though effective treatments are available. (They are also four times more likely than other children to develop alcoholism as adults, in large part because it is a genetically transmitted disease, but your children should know that most children of parents with alcoholism do not develop this disease themselves.)

So many spouses of people with alcoholism share in the denial that is one of the hallmarks of the illness. Your children are fortunate that you have already recognized the problem, and that you have decided to do what you can to protect them. Listen for their questions. Try not to harp on your husband's behavior or you will burden them more than would be wise with your own feelings.

Children growing up with a parent with alcoholism often feel frightened, confused, angry and guilty. You are bound to blame yourself, and so are they. Young children use magical thinking to try to make the world the way they want it to be: "If I were a good kid, he wouldn't be like that. If I'm good, maybe he won't act scary." If only a child could have that kind of power! Be prepared to help the children express thoughts like these.

You can help your children recognize and understand their feelings in simple terms: "There are many feelings for a child to expect when a parent has this disease, for example: fear of the next time the parent gets drunk and what he'll do then, guilt about not being able to make it better, ashamed of the parent's drinking, hopeless about the whole situation. Some of these are confusing since a child can both love the parent and be angry at him about his drinking and the way he acts when he is drunk.

Let them know that they are not alone: "There are many children who are feeling these same feelings right now -- they are understandable responses to a parent with alcoholism, and this is a common illness."

You can also help with these feelings by offering some simple information about alcoholism, though they will need to hear this more than once:

-- Alcoholism is a disease. A person with this disease drinks too much alcohol too often, and the alcohol makes them behave differently than they do when they are not drinking, often in scary and unpredictable ways.

-- A person with this disease cannot control the drinking. The disease makes him drink. The people who love this person -- his children and wife -- cannot control the drinking either. They cannot make him get better. It is his responsibility to get help. Don't try to throw away the alcohol. The disease will just make that person get more until he makes his own decision to seek treatment.

-- The people who love this person did not cause the disease. It's not their fault.

-- It is not only okay, but very important for all children, no matter how worried they may be about a sick parent, to have their own lives, to enjoy their friends and all kinds of activities, and to have fun.

While giving them permission to speak freely about the hard times, emphasize the good ones. Try to help them have fun times with him when he's not ill, so they'll have good memories, to balance the upsetting and confusing ones. And gather supportive relatives (his, too, if you can) to give them the cushion of an extended family -- for you as well as for them.

Your sanity and your consistency will be critical as a model for them. You can also help your children by sticking to a regular routine -- predictable bedtimes, meal times and other activities -- as much as you possibly can. If your husband is violent toward you or the children, you must act swiftly to re-establish safety, even if it means involving the police and moving out -- even to a shelter -- with the children. In any case, don't wait to get help for yourself and your children. Alanon is a good place to start!

Here are more resources for spouses and children of individuals with alcoholism:

Al-Anon

For spouses, children, other relatives and friends of alcoholics. Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters can help locate a local affiliate. 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway., Virginia Beach, VA 23462; 888-425-2666 (help line, 800-344-2666); www.al-anon.org.

Alateen

Part of Al-Anon; for young people affected by the alcoholism of a family member; www.alateen.org.

Alcoholics Anonymous

The AA General Service Office can locate a nearby affiliate. P.O. Box 459, Grand Central Station, New York, NY 10163; 212-870-3400; www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.

The National Association for Children of Alcoholics

11426 Rockville Pike, Suite 100, Rockville, MD 20852; 301-468-0985 or 888-55-4COAS; www.nacoa.org.

The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information

NCADI, PO Box 2345, Rockville, MD 20852; 800-729-6686; ncadi.samhsa.gov.The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence

For information about local treatment resources 20 Exchange Pl., Suite 2902, New York, NY 10005; 212-269-7797; www.ncadd.org.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism

5635 Fishers Lane, MSC 9304, Bethesda, MD 20892-9304; 301-443-3860; www.niaaa.nih.gov.

Every state has an agency responsible for alcohol and drug-related programs and resources. In some states, the substance abuse agencies are combined with mental health services. Many states also have resource centers that offer free materials. To find your state's agency, contact the National Association of State Alcohol and Drug Abuse Directors at 807 17th Street N.W., Suite 410, Washington, DC 20006, 800-662-4357; www.nasadad.org.

Available from The National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA):

"You're Not Alone"

A 9-minute video speaking directly to children and youth, provides information about alcoholism, being safe, finding adults who can help, and about groups as a place to find support. The video is designed for the classroom, for church youth groups and for youth in community settings. A discussion guide comes with each video ($19).

"Kit for Kids"

Written specifically for children and youth, this eight-page booklet includes factual information about alcoholism and being a child of an alcoholic, practical do's and don'ts, phone numbers to call for help, and a list of books for further information ($1).

"Kit for Parents"

Written for parents in families where there is alcoholism, this 14-page booklet offers facts about alcoholism, how to provide support to their children and help for themselves and their spouses, practical do's and don'ts, and a list or resources for further information ($5).
Published September 19, 2006

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Great article. Both my parents were alcoholic (plus my mother was bp--not a great combination). I used alcohol as a tool when I was depressed, but now that I'm on the right meds I can drink moderately (couple glaases of wine when we go out to dinner on the weekend). My younger brother ended up getting addicted to drugs & alcohol, but he is sober now (probably about 15 yrs). My other brother has never taken a drink in his life (he's 56) cuz he saw the devastation it caused our family. He was always the smart one!--Suzy

[howlatthemoon]

Thank you for the great article. My father is an alcoholic and we have lost contact with each other. It was terrifying and sad as a child to watch him, and I felt torn between seeing him as my father or seeing the manifestations of his addiction. My parents divorced when I was young and it still impacts me today.

[desirae]

Couldn't the entire "risks" be avoided if you explain to them very early that the behavior is unacceptable and that their father has a drinking problem and that he will physically pay the price later in life. My children have an alcoholic father too. Their to young now for me to explain, but as soon as their able to I will tell them that although he is a drunk, he is still a good father for them and they can be influenced by him in other elements other then his drinking. I will explain to them...and I really think they will listen. Children know more then what we assume, as long as we guide them in options of what to believe, then they can set their own thoughts about alcoholism themselves. But then agian it would be completely different for an abused child...that I do not know. But in the situation of my children in will be simplier since he is a very productive worker and father...yet a drunk.

[ws2227]

Thank you. This is a great article. Some of the links no longer work but what you provided was enough for me to get a toe-hold on other sites that may help.

I'm an adult child of alcoholics. And I ended up marrying someone just like me. Thankfully, and luckily, we both are aware of the devastation and pain that alcoholism creates in families and we are both dedicated to raising our children alcohol-free. I understand it's a very serious disease. I've never been a serious drinker ~ rarely do I drink at all! But I still feel the vacuum that is the urge to drink. It's not hard to resist because I believe my priorities are in line but it's learning to deal with what alcoholism did to me as a child that I'm needing to recover from. Incidentally, my mom has never stopped drinking for a day and my step-father, thank goodness, has long since passed on.

No, i'm not callous, I'm real ~ alcohol does nasty things to people for which they never feel regret or remorse for.

Thanks again for the great article.