[BigZen]

Hi Everyone,

I am a 57-year-old Canadian male married to a Japanese woman living in Japan. We have two young children aged 11 and 9, own a home, so we are living here for the long haul. Several people, usually Japanese, have pointed out to me how “unnatural” it is that my kids are not fully-bilingual. They assume that because I am Canadian and my wife Japanese that our kids will hear both languages in the house. It is not an erroneous assumption since most international couples here do raise bilingual children.

When I took my 11-year-old daughter back to Canada last summer for an informal two-week homestay with a friend, at the end of our time there my friend commented that I need to find a way to connect to my daughter, since it was apparent I did not have the same level of communication with my daughter as my friend had with her 3 kids.

The truth is that after our daughter was born in 2009, I did not do like other parents, speak to her as much as I could, even if she did not understand, and this behaviour of mine continued for the next few years. I would usually speak to her in Japanese, though my level is very low. When our son was born I made more of an effort to read the kids English stories...but when my son was about 2 years old I remember a scene at the dinner table when my wife admonished and asked me why I don’t talk more with my kids. The truth is, she was/is right.

Lately I have been making more of an effort. I never thought I would get married or have kids, but did end up doing so in 2002 and 2009/11 respectively. None of my siblings have children. My oldest brother is married, 2nd brother and younger brother are not, and my younger sister who suffered from schizophrenia, who died a few years back, was never married. Our parents divorced when I was in my last year of high school. I later moved out and lived with my mother and the other with my dad. I had a stormy relationship with both parents, chose not to attend either of their funerals, and am estranged from my other siblings…

I do my best to not let my past dictate my future, but I do feel a profound sense of guilt about my kids now, who are fluent in Japanese but are very weak in English. They are healthy and happy, in a very good Japanese elementary school, and have living relatives here, but I really have a difficult time talking to them, since my Japanese is at about the lower-inermediate level and my kids don’t speak or understand much English, though they are improving a lot since they began to study at a local English school. I would also say this problem of communication applies to my wife and I, though her English is good, I truthfully must say that I cannot have the same meaningful conversations I can have with my Canadian friends or other native speakers of English. So I would like to know if ACOA parents also have difficulty connecting with their kids? Have I been for the greater part of my kids’ upbringing to self-absorbed in my own world?

BigZen

[Skeezyks]

Hello BigZen: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the healthy parenting forum. Here's a link to that forum just in case you haven't already found it:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

Here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of adult children of alcoholics:

You Don't Get a Childhood When You Grow Up in an Alcoholic Family | Happily Imperfect

You Don't Outgrow the Effects of an Alcoholic Parent | Happily Imperfect

Adult Children of Alcoholics & Perfectionism | Happily Imperfect

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((BigZen)))) I'm sure many can relate to your situation.

[BigZen]

Dear Skeezyks and Mickey,

Thank you for the replies and information. I truly appreciate it!!!

BZ

[Ness102]

Hi BZ,
I feel like I have trouble communicating with everyone.. in a social setting i have no problems and can be quite loud, but as soon as it is something I am passionate about, mean or am feeling I freeze up, can't say anything and turn it inward.
I feel like it may have something to do with being ACOA as I have a constant need to prove myself, be perfect and not disappoint people...
And although I have been this way my entire life I am only noticing it more the older I get.
Keep trying and I am sure you will get there with your kids!
Ness x

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Ness102))))