[Outnumbered]

Trigger warning: suicide attempt, alcoholism, fighting

--- it´s going to be a long story, since I´ve never written this down ---

As you can see this is my first post on this forum. I'm currently going through therapy and my therapist told me it might be useful for me to read, listen and talk to other that come from a family with alcohol abuse. Since I'm new on this forum, I'm not so familiar with the forum rules yet, so I'm sorry if I make any mistakes. Also, English is not my native language.

As the topic title suggests, I'm an adult (30-something) child from two alcoholic parents. I have no siblings and basically no family at the moment.

My father was the type of alcoholic that drinks from morning until evening. I remember him filling his coffeecup with wine in the morning before going to work (he was a university professor in psychology... The irony). He was very unreliable and he would easily become aggressive when he drank. When I was around 14 my mom divorced him and shortly after that she found a new partner.

I think my mom was probably an alcoholic before the divorce, but she was perhaps more the type that hides it better. She called herself a social drinker, because she would only drink in the evening. When she found her new partner, she worked in a nightclub, so she would often be drinking wodka-red bull to stay awake.

I write in the past tense about my parents, because it is really complicated.

My father died in 2015 because of the complications of cancer. He got throat cancer because of the smoking and drinking. Officially he was cured of the tumor, but he never really recovered from all the treatment. I guess he preferred to drink, than to actually try to get better. Despite his alcohol problem, I was really close to him. Perhaps it is something other children from alcoholics can relate to, but I always felt like I was the only person who could help him. He had no friends (mostly because of his drinking and his asocial behaviour when he was drunk) and I was his only child.

My mother had a lot of psychiatric issues, I think. In the past years, her new husband got sick with cancer and he died about a year ago. Every evening she would spend emptying a bottle of whiskey and talking to strangers on the internet. Quite often I would wake up and find 50 unread messages of her on my phone, mostly unstructured babbling, but also saying that she was going to

Possible trigger:

kill herself.

A lot of times I would call her in the evening, when she was drunk and texting me, and I would try to talk her out of it. I felt it was my responsibility to do this. This went on for many, many months (I can find emails dating back from 2012). She would often blackmail me by saying she had no reason to live, since her only daughter lives abroad and things like that.

Last year in June it was clear that my stepdad (her current partner) was going to die soon, so I decided to travel to my mom to spend time with her (I don´t live in the same country). She was a ticking time bomb. During the day she was active, happy, thinking about the future with me and her grandkid. At night she would start drinking and she would turn into an emotionally unstable monster. Two times I had to call the ambulance because she was aggressive and suicidal.

The first time the ambulance couldn't take her with them. There are some regulations in her country about being forced in the psychiatry ward and since she was no immediate threat to herself (she was making plans for her husbands funeral), they couldn't take her away. But the guy from the ambulance was very clear that I had to do something,

Possible trigger:

or otherwise he would be removing a dead body from the house soon

*sorry for being so graphic*
My mom was very pleased with herself that I couldn't get her in the psychiatry ward. Because obviously, she didn't see the problem.

So I talked to her doctor, he confirmed the suicidal thoughts and the alcoholism. He wrote a note and told me to wait until the next suicidal episode (which in my mom´s case was just a matter of days).

I had everything planned out. I waited until she got drunk again and called the ambulance. This time she was very aggressive and the whole event was very traumatic for me. They couldn´t get her in the ambulance, so she was brought away with a police car. When she was in the police car, wearing handcuffs,

Possible trigger:

she slammed her head against the walls. It´s been over a year, but I can not forget the sight of her face at that moment. Covered in blood and the hate in her eyes towards me.

She was held in the psychiatry ward for 10 days, but then she was released since she said she was going to do therapy. Of course she didn´t.

Possible trigger:

Three months later she tried to kill herself. She injected herself with an overdose of insulin.

She texted some friends, who didn´t respond to the message (since she sends those kind of messages almost daily). 18 hours later she was found by the ambulance. She is still alive, but suffered a lot of brain damage due to the hypoglycemia. She knows who I am, but barely recognizes me. She knows a few things from the past, but can´t remember new things.

I struggle a lot now.

Possible trigger:

She tried to kill herself the day after I told her I was pregnant with my second child.

I feel like she took away part of the joy of my second pregnancy, by doing this selfish act. I am very angry with her. Angry for what she has done to herself and about always refusing help.

I also feel guilty for not wanting to take care of her (afterall, she barely took care of me and there was a whole history of alcohol abuse). I don’t know how much contact I want with her in the future, and how much contact I want my children to have with her. I feel like I’m abandoning someone helpless and vulnerable, since she has this brain damage and she wouldn’t understand.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Outnumbered: I see you now have 5 posts to your credit as I write this. However, since this was your first thread... welcome to PsychCentral.

Here are links to 11 articles, from PsychCentral's archives on the ACOA experience, tips for dealing with toxic parents & difficult family members, the similarities between narcissists & alcoholics, & the decision to go no-contact:

Children of Alcoholics

You Don't Get a Childhood When You Grow Up in an Alcoholic Family | Happily Imperfect

You Don't Outgrow the Effects of an Alcoholic Parent | Happily Imperfect

Adult Children of Alcoholics and the Need to Feel In Control | Happily Imperfect

Adult Children of Alcoholics & Perfectionism | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narci...s-are-similar/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/good-...ad-this-first/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...-must-realize/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...of-alcoholics/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Outnumbered]

Thanks!

I’m also recognising a lot of things here in other people’s forum posts. The shame, trying to help vs not wanting to help, guilt for not wanting to be with them... Almost every post in this forum topic, I feel like I can relate to something.

I will read the blogs you suggested. Although today I’m gonna try to limit my online reading sometimes I need to let go of the past and just enjoy my little family. On days that I struggle, I tend to hide behind my phone, which doesn’t help anyone. It only makes me more moody.

I realised I said in the topic post that I don’t have family, that’s not entirely true. I have two amazing little boys and a wonderful partner. They bring me so much joy!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry to read about your past. It must have been terrible to live through that. Please, don't feel guilty: you've done everything that you could and it's not really your fault if she could not help herself; you can only do so much.

I'm so happy to hear that you have a family of your own, though; that should make you proud. Focus on them and try to let go of the past...