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Old 04-16-2019, 10:57 AM #11
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Default Re: Fear of opening up to others, and feelings of self-loathing

I had a similar upbringing. Thanks for sharing your story here. I am going to look up the Smart Recovery groups.
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:49 PM #12
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Default Re: Fear of opening up to others, and feelings of self-loathing

Thanks for sharing. Gentle hugs
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Old 04-22-2019, 03:47 PM #13
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Default Re: Fear of opening up to others, and feelings of self-loathing

When I was about 32 and had previously been married for 8 years, I met a man who is 9 years my senior. Very early into our relationship, we had issues. I would not open up to him emotionally. He pointed this out. He seemed to me to be "very emotional for a man". He wanted a level of intimacy right away that Id never had with my husband even! I told him that my dad is an alcoholic. He was very serious and said he'd previously dated an ACOA and it was extremely difficult for him. This seemed to be a deal-breaker for him. We tried having sex but something wasnt right. He wanted too much. We never did have sex - even after being close friends for 14 years. We are still in contact although he's recently gotten remarried. And funny thing- he's newly working as a social worker! Our communication is nice these days- I can tell him anything.

So, the year after he and I essentially decided to be just friends, I met someone else. Because of what happened with my previous dating attempt- because he SAID noemotional sharing was a deal breaker I purposefully decided I would try hard to share and communicate in future. From the very beginning, my new boyfriend and I had the best sex I'd ever had. And over the years it grew into something very special- because we communicated our feelings and opinions without fear of rejection. Natural give-and-take which was practically effortless. I didn't have to ever worry about what he may be thinking - it just HAPPENED back and forth between us from each moment to the next as one big higher-level entity. Emotionally we were free to say or try anything without any worries.

I learned how to communicate and let go of that fear of "what if something bad happens?" I was previously trying to pre-guess every move someone might make so that i could reply in a manner so NOTHING could go wrong. Come to think of it, I did that a lot with everybody. I even interrupted them to say what I wanted them to say. I constantly guessed what bad might happen so i could hopefully prevent it. I see now that this probably started with my dad- soothing the savage beast before he got angry, constantly trying to stay 2 steps ahead. Hide feelings in case they backfired on me. Today, thanks to what my social worker friend said almost 15 years ago, i am no longer afraid of emotional intimacy -or the physical intimacy that goes so wonderfully along with it.

My dad being an alcoholic shaped the way i communicated with people. I try hard to listen and to actually speak my thoughts and feelings instead of being afraid. I hope Ive been successful in this area with my kids- so they aren't afraid to share their feelings. So far, they tell you -whether you like it or not!
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Old 04-25-2019, 02:49 PM #14
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Default Re: Fear of opening up to others, and feelings of self-loathing

I know these feelings well. I have had two major relationships in my life, and both told me I seemed to not want to talk about my feelings much, even though other people seem to think I wear my heart on my sleeve. Seems I can talk to strangers about anything, but as I get closer to people, then I raise shields. Guess that's how it goes.



My earliest memories were my father beating the crap out of my mother. Then I remember how the damage she had taken played itself out in alcoholism. So part of me doesn't want anyone that close to me, because I fear being hurt, and I fear hurting others. I'm over 50 and I'm not violent, never have been, but I know there's some deep seated brokenness within.
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