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Old 09-11-2019, 10:49 AM   #1
Elaina1
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Default I snuck a sip of my fathers water- just to be sure

When on earth will the trust return? And what if it doesn't?


Both of my parents are alcoholics... My mom tends to be worse than my dad, but both are bad.


My mom just got out of 30 days at Rehab. It was her... Hang on, I need to count on 2 hands now... 6th stay? Though the only time shes done a full treatment. My dads done 2. But in between, both have also come to my house to detox at least 1 time each when they didn't want to go in.


Basically, I am 29 years old, I have a 4 year old little girl, and my last year has ****ing sucked. Because yes, those 6 stays and detoxing at my home, all happened over 1 year.


My dad took my mom back into the house. She was the bad one... She drank at work in her car in the parking lot, and when I went to pick her *** up, she was a point .37. She had a seizure, had to go to the hospital by ambulance... over all, a ****** day. She lost her job (3rd one of those in a year too). And I think the only reason she went in is because I had a social worker at the hospital give me the paperwork for Section 35 and told her that if she didn't, I was going to court the next day and she was being arrested.


My dad swore he wasn't letting her move back home after that stunt. Said he was calling for a divorce lawyer. But I guess he realized that was like the pot calling the kettle black, given he had been drinking at home too. Just because it was at home, doesn't mean you are much better, dad!


So then he changed, ad said he would take her back, but after rehab she had to go to a sober home. I even offered to have her move in with me to keep an eye on her, because I know they are no good for each other right now... They need space to heal and recover!


But in the end, she got released, she went home, and all "is well". And already, I feel like nothings changed. she talked such a good talk when in rehab. My dad called me every night before work. We spent time together. We visited. My mom had only 10 minutes of phone time every other day, and I think we still talked more in rehab than we have since her release.


And that's worries me... Because its what they do every damn time. They get into old habbits, and stop calling, hang up on myself and my sister quickly when we call, because they don't want to be caught.


Maybe its different... maybe shes embarrassed and ashamed to talk to me? But after I held her on her side to keep her from choking to death while she seized, after I got my dads *** up to go get Xrays when he fell down the stairs drunk... I would think there is nothing left that could embarrass them. I have seen them at their worst. So then... I can only imagine that its because they are drinking again.


I work at an office where my dad works night shift... So this morning I walked by his cube, saw his open water on his desk, and took a sip to be sure it wasn't vodka. it wasn't. But when, oh when will I trust them again? Can I ever?


I just miss my old parents, the ones I had before the alcohol... I wish my daughter could meet them, they were way better than the grandparents shes stuck with now....






TLDR: My parents are both alcoholics, and I don't believe them when they say they aren't drinking anymore and can no longer trust them...
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:11 PM   #2
Bill3
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Default Re: I snuck a sip of my fathers water- just to be sure

I wonder whether you and your young daughter have to be the family detox center.

What alternatives might there be?
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Old 09-11-2019, 02:37 PM   #3
cygne
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Default Re: I snuck a sip of my fathers water- just to be sure

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elaina1 View Post
When on earth will the trust return? And what if it doesn't?
Both of my parents are alcoholics... My mom tends to be worse than my dad, but both are bad.
My mom just got out of 30 days at Rehab. It was her... Hang on, I need to count on 2 hands now... 6th stay? Though the only time shes done a full treatment. My dads done 2. But in between, both have also come to my house to detox at least 1 time each when they didn't want to go in.
Basically, I am 29 years old, I have a 4 year old little girl, and my last year has ****ing sucked. Because yes, those 6 stays and detoxing at my home, all happened over 1 year.
My dad took my mom back into the house. She was the bad one... She drank at work in her car in the parking lot, and when I went to pick her *** up, she was a point .37. She had a seizure, had to go to the hospital by ambulance... over all, a ****** day. She lost her job (3rd one of those in a year too). And I think the only reason she went in is because I had a social worker at the hospital give me the paperwork for Section 35 and told her that if she didn't, I was going to court the next day and she was being arrested.
My dad swore he wasn't letting her move back home after that stunt. Said he was calling for a divorce lawyer. But I guess he realized that was like the pot calling the kettle black, given he had been drinking at home too. Just because it was at home, doesn't mean you are much better, dad!
So then he changed, ad said he would take her back, but after rehab she had to go to a sober home. I even offered to have her move in with me to keep an eye on her, because I know they are no good for each other right now... They need space to heal and recover!
But in the end, she got released, she went home, and all "is well". And already, I feel like nothings changed. she talked such a good talk when in rehab. My dad called me every night before work. We spent time together. We visited. My mom had only 10 minutes of phone time every other day, and I think we still talked more in rehab than we have since her release.
And that's worries me... Because its what they do every damn time. They get into old habbits, and stop calling, hang up on myself and my sister quickly when we call, because they don't want to be caught.
Maybe its different... maybe shes embarrassed and ashamed to talk to me? But after I held her on her side to keep her from choking to death while she seized, after I got my dads *** up to go get Xrays when he fell down the stairs drunk... I would think there is nothing left that could embarrass them. I have seen them at their worst. So then... I can only imagine that its because they are drinking again.
I work at an office where my dad works night shift... So this morning I walked by his cube, saw his open water on his desk, and took a sip to be sure it wasn't vodka. it wasn't. But when, oh when will I trust them again? Can I ever?
I just miss my old parents, the ones I had before the alcohol... I wish my daughter could meet them, they were way better than the grandparents shes stuck with now....
TLDR: My parents are both alcoholics, and I don't believe them when they say they aren't drinking anymore and can no longer trust them...
Hi Elaina1, I've read your post and firstly I want to let you know that I'm very thankful for you sharing your message and please know that you're not alone and there's a lovely community here to hear you out and help as much as it can . My Dad was an alcoholic and my Mom had some drinking problems as well. I don't think you should be responsible for the things they do or have chosen to do in their life. As hard as it may seem, even though they're our parents, we're not tied to them physically, we're supposed to part ways at some point. The only way they could ever recover is if they join therapy or counseling, or seek the help of someone. Trust plays an important role here, but it has to come from them. Keeping a diary may help. I couldn't work out anything with my folks, but if yours are more open to talk, maybe you can suggest keeping a diary or journaling. It helps with stress, keeping track of one's emotions, progress, etc.

I think you're a great person and daughter, for making sure that your Dad's doing the right thing, but you should be careful as this could get out of hand and nobody would want you to end up being disappointed.

Alan Watts has some interesting talks on consciousness and the mind of no expectation. You can find them on YouTube.

Hope that helped!
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Old 09-12-2019, 07:55 AM   #4
sarahsweets
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Default Re: I snuck a sip of my fathers water- just to be sure

Hey @Elaina1
I am a child of an alcoholic father (drug addict too) who died 19 years ago at the age of 47 (toll of drugs and alcohol killed him) I was 24 years old and the last year of his life I managed to make peace with him so when he died I had no guilt.

I am an alcoholic. I became an alcoholic when I was about 33 or 34. It started as a social habit, then a daily habit, then a physical addiction and then I gave in and was drinking all day everyday. I am lucky because the bad part of alcoholism was intense- but short lived. It wasnt years of my kids growing up with me like that. I am 44 now and sober. I never went to rehab. In the early days I stopped and started up again. One time I said I wouldnt drink until we went to disney world and then kept going. The last drink I had was 12/13/12. I woke up that morning at 3 and was shugging wine from the bottle to stop the shakes and racing heart. I just stopped for a minute, looked around and fell to my knees and wheeped- I mean really cried like i never had and just asked for help. I said it outloud to no one, but to myself. I called a person who was always trying to get me to AA and went. I should have had a medical detox. It was so stupid to do it on my own and I think the fact that I was on lamictal is what kept me from having seizures.

That revelation in the early morning combined with my kids being scared of me, the fights with my poor husband and the consequences I was facing is why I stopped. I had to work through a process of AA making amends and getting people to trust me again. Not everyone needs to do the AA thing. But if they have been in and out of rehab and causing havoc and havent tried it then what do they have to lose.

Now on to you. You have to stop dealing with them. You have to tell them you will not deal with them until the do AA or long term treatment or intensive outpatient treatment. You need to tell them that they have to follow through and be consistent. If they do not there will be consequences.
-you will not take their calls
- they can not live with you or stay at your house
- they can not see their grandaughter.
- you will not pick them up, drive them home or take them anywhere or get stuff for them
-you will not get in the middle of their toxic marriage taking one parent's side or taking that parent in.

I believe you have done enough. You have done stuff you were not responsible for. You are right not to trust them because they are active alcoholics- they manipulate, lie, steal and leave behind wreckage.

Tell them those things and tell them you will not be a part of them killing themselves.
You will not watch them die.
This will never stop unless you make yourself stop trying to take care of them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elaina1 View Post
When on earth will the trust return? And what if it doesn't?


Both of my parents are alcoholics... My mom tends to be worse than my dad, but both are bad.


My mom just got out of 30 days at Rehab. It was her... Hang on, I need to count on 2 hands now... 6th stay? Though the only time shes done a full treatment. My dads done 2. But in between, both have also come to my house to detox at least 1 time each when they didn't want to go in.


Basically, I am 29 years old, I have a 4 year old little girl, and my last year has ****ing sucked. Because yes, those 6 stays and detoxing at my home, all happened over 1 year.


My dad took my mom back into the house. She was the bad one... She drank at work in her car in the parking lot, and when I went to pick her *** up, she was a point .37. She had a seizure, had to go to the hospital by ambulance... over all, a ****** day. She lost her job (3rd one of those in a year too). And I think the only reason she went in is because I had a social worker at the hospital give me the paperwork for Section 35 and told her that if she didn't, I was going to court the next day and she was being arrested.


My dad swore he wasn't letting her move back home after that stunt. Said he was calling for a divorce lawyer. But I guess he realized that was like the pot calling the kettle black, given he had been drinking at home too. Just because it was at home, doesn't mean you are much better, dad!


So then he changed, ad said he would take her back, but after rehab she had to go to a sober home. I even offered to have her move in with me to keep an eye on her, because I know they are no good for each other right now... They need space to heal and recover!


But in the end, she got released, she went home, and all "is well". And already, I feel like nothings changed. she talked such a good talk when in rehab. My dad called me every night before work. We spent time together. We visited. My mom had only 10 minutes of phone time every other day, and I think we still talked more in rehab than we have since her release.


And that's worries me... Because its what they do every damn time. They get into old habbits, and stop calling, hang up on myself and my sister quickly when we call, because they don't want to be caught.


Maybe its different... maybe shes embarrassed and ashamed to talk to me? But after I held her on her side to keep her from choking to death while she seized, after I got my dads *** up to go get Xrays when he fell down the stairs drunk... I would think there is nothing left that could embarrass them. I have seen them at their worst. So then... I can only imagine that its because they are drinking again.


I work at an office where my dad works night shift... So this morning I walked by his cube, saw his open water on his desk, and took a sip to be sure it wasn't vodka. it wasn't. But when, oh when will I trust them again? Can I ever?


I just miss my old parents, the ones I had before the alcohol... I wish my daughter could meet them, they were way better than the grandparents shes stuck with now....






TLDR: My parents are both alcoholics, and I don't believe them when they say they aren't drinking anymore and can no longer trust them...
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