advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-02-2019, 06:43 AM   #1
Plavins1
New Member
Plavins1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Latvia
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Trig My father is an alcoholic.

Hello everyone. Im really hoping to find some help, if not, atleast a bit of comfort

This is going to be a long one. I guess I should start from the beginning. Im from Latvia. Im 25, I have two older sisters both living with their families, for the last almost two years I have, not exactly moved out of my parents house, but I am living with my girlfriend. The part about being sort of moved out will become apparent soon.

So my father, he is some piece of work. I literally dont know if I ever knew more of a self righteous hypocrite than him. For all the time I can remember he has never had a stable job, only these on and off one time jobs. When sober, he is a smart and handy man, can fix most anything, was a mechanic for about 25 years. In the 90s (which were dark times in post soviet union latvia) he built a garage, nice big garage with central heating. He sort of stopped fixing cars in 2000s and I started fixing cars around 2012. Ive been a mechanic, welder for about 5 years now, working on my own in said garage. The problem is, he actually lives in it, sleeps. Dont ask me why, there is a perfectly good bedroom at home. Any sort of real relationship with my mother is nonexistant at this point.

I cant work a steady pace in the garage because I never know if hes gonna be drinking for weeks. And i cant go work elsewere simply because I have to there, My grandmother is bedridden, Someone has to be there when she needs something, and in winter someone has to be home to keep the wood burning central heating going in the house. So basically I cant work elsewere because I never know if my father is going to be drunk and wont be looking after the house, And i cant actually work in the garage because he is drinking there. When ever im in there he'l be yelling at me for making noise, ''who do I think I am " and so on, actually tried beating me up countless times. I have never hit him.

Its impossible to talk to him about this issue when hes sober, because hes like a time bomb. if you push the wrong button at the wrong time he will go off.
He actually wasnt drinking for 5 months, got a decent job, and even then, was keeping all the money, he has never paid a single bill ever, my mom is working for minimal wage, has to pay the bills, and he manages to yell at her and humiliate her that shes worthless, does nothing and so on.

And as of last friday hes off the hook again drinking, he had to go in to work on monday, did not go, simply turned off his phone and is happily drunk.

And when he will eventually get sober, there will not be a single word said about him losing his job, he will probably pretend that he never had one, or was not needed there anymore.

I remember not being able to sleep when i was little because every night i was waiting for him to come home drunk and beat my mom. There is nothing good that has ever come of him father wise. yes he built and did some good things, but they are so far and between that its a spec of dust on the heartache he has caused.

And I dont know what to do, I really dont. its hard because we have tried to help him, but he just thinks that hes the good guy and everyone else is bad.

Yesterday while drunk he took the keys from my other car, when i asked where he thought he was going he said that he had to take his drinking buddy home, when i told him to give back the keys because i will bare all the consiquences if he smashes someone, he just told me to **** off. I was dumbfounded i had nothing to say. Thank god he did not get caught, but to express such lack of interest in his own son's well being is just amazing.

Last edited by bluekoi; 10-02-2019 at 10:53 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
Plavins1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 10-02-2019, 02:08 PM   #2
Skeezyks
Apparition
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 19,570 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
13.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: My father is an alcoholic.

Hello Plavins: I see you are actually a 2 year member here on PC although this is your first post. So... a belated welcome to Psych Central.

I wish I knew what to tell you about your situation. I don't. Perhaps other PC members will have some suggestions. You wrote you've tried to help your father. My perspective would be you can't help him. Only he can help himself & clearly he's not going to.

The logical thing to do in this situation might be to simply go "no contact". But it sounds as though this would be difficult because you feel you have other family responsibilities you must fulfill. (Also I presume, since you're in Latvia, your circumstances are different than they would be for those of us living in the U.S.) So, unless you can figure out a way to stay out of the garage, I don't know what the solution might be.

Since you're a 2 year member, perhaps you're already familiar with the articles in PC's archives. However, just in case not, here are links to 6 articles that may be of interest:

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change | Happily Imperfect

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel | Happily Imperfect

How to Set Adult Boundaries with Narcissistic Parents | The Exhausted Woman

11 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists | Narcissism Decoded

12 Survival Tips for Living with a Narcissist | The Exhausted Woman

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...sistic-parent/

I hope you find being active here on PC to be of benefit.
__________________
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 10-02-2019, 04:05 PM   #3
simplex
Junior Member
simplex has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Georgia
Posts: 18
5 hugs
given
Default Re: My father is an alcoholic.

Plavins1,

Thank you for posting, my heart does go out to you because you are in a very hard situation. Also you are very strong for what you have been going through and reaching out for help is another sign of strength.
I'm sorry too, to hear that your father was doing well (5 months) and then went back to his old ways. It can be, heartbreaking to witness, especially repeatedly. I really don't have a strong enough word for it. It is hard.

Skeezy has good links up there to read that may give you some perspective on your situation.

I can empathize with you. I have experienced what you describe myself and with my own mother when I was younger. It was up until I was about 18 I was able to leave (34 now). I went into alcohol, and the addiction of it myself
and managed to stop at 30. I was convinced I was my father. It was only two years after his passing that I made the decision to stop for myself and seek treatment.

My advice to you is to remember that you have to do what's best for yourself and the life you want to have, that includes your gf and other siblings. Right now that may seem almost impossible. But know that you're strong and you have lots of courage, having made it this far already. The best thing you can do is put some kind of distance between you and your father for your own sake. We get torn, we want to help them with everything that we have, but we just cannot.

For your grandmother, if it is possible could you find someone to check in on her? Maybe come up with something with your siblings where you rotate who checks on her and get on a schedule? One eventual step would be for you to get out of the garage with your father. That could help you do that. Wishing you the best from here in the USA. You can do it
simplex is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 10-03-2019, 01:46 AM   #4
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,849 (SuperPoster!)
132 hugs
given
Default Re: My father is an alcoholic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Plavins1 View Post
Its impossible to talk to him about this issue when hes sober, because hes like a time bomb. if you push the wrong button at the wrong time he will go off.
He actually wasnt drinking for 5 months, got a decent job, and even then, was keeping all the money, he has never paid a single bill ever, my mom is working for minimal wage, has to pay the bills, and he manages to yell at her and humiliate her that shes worthless, does nothing and so on.
I am an alcoholic in recovery. My dad was an addict. The fear and pain of waiting for the next round of chaos to start when an alcoholic relapses is devastating and nerve wracking. My dad never got sober and dropped dead of a heart attack in his driveway when he was 47 and I was 24. My alcoholism was late- not until my late 30's and I have been sober 7 years. I am 44 now.
There is nothing you can do for him or to him that will make him stop. You can only control what you do and help your mom. Who owns the house? Does she give him money? If she wants him to get treatment she needs to set a consequence. She needs to tell him he will have to leave if he doesnt get help. If he refuses and gets violent then the authorities need to be called. Or you two need to find your own place and leave him. If she makes the money she needs to stop giving it to him. If he freaks out she needs to call the authorities. She pays the bills and buys the food- he will not starve but if she gives him money or allows him access to money then he will continue to drink. If they have a joint account she needs to take out all of the money except what would need to be left to keep it open and open her own single account. If its his account she needs to keep her money away from it. She and you will have to make things as uncomfortable for him as possible. I learned through pain and consequence. If I didnt suffer I would never have changed.
Why should he change? He is an active alcoholic which means he is selfish and manipulative and angry. He is used to acting like a hurricane and getting what he wants. The only way to stop that is to take drastic measures and not enable him. You will need to take care of the grandmother but again, if he is drunk and combative, call the cops because then he is endangering the grandmother.
Quote:
Yesterday while drunk he took the keys from my other car, when i asked where he thought he was going he said that he had to take his drinking buddy home, when i told him to give back the keys because i will bare all the consiquences if he smashes someone, he just told me to **** off. I was dumbfounded i had nothing to say. Thank god he did not get caught, but to express such lack of interest in his own son's well being is just amazing.
I am not trying to be mean but you should have called the cops immediately and provided your car info and had him arrested. This went from being about him to being about public safety. What if he had killed someone? Forget about your car, it could have been a person. If he goes off driving in his own car stop and immediately call the police.
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 10-03-2019, 02:50 AM   #5
Plavins1
New Member
Plavins1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Latvia
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Default Re: My father is an alcoholic.

Thank you for your heartwarming welcome .Yes I am a member of 2 years, I probably wanted to post here back then, but something got in my way probably.

Checked on my father today, and he's drunk as ****. Did not even talk to him.

To answer some questions, no my mother does not give him any money. And sadly my dad does own part of the house, yes. its actually really difficult situation, my dads brother and his family live upstairs, we share the yard. but they live seperatly and dont involve themselves in all this.
I actually am quite amazed of his ability to obtain alcohol even without money and barely moving. The big problem is that there are several places in my suburb you can buy alcohol illegaly, i believe that he has a tab there. No point in calling police, because they know about them, everything is paid off and there are no problems. Cant really blame the police since they make such a laughable wage its ridiculous. I mean we have several police's here. We have traffic police, criminal investigation police, and something like local authority police that deals with drunks, small thefts, and so on. they make about 700euro a month! average low end apartament price is 300-400e a mouth to rent. Sometimes I make more just by welding cars.

Off topic, but this country is going down, our politics are corrupt beyond comprehension. its a different topic all together.

My mother takes care of my grandmother most of the time, I make sure that the house is warm and my chores are done. My dad is like a stick in the spokes to all of this.

Maybe this is sick, but yesterday i was working in the garage, and looked over of him sleeping, hoping to see him not breathing. Its that bad.

Only good things that came of him is that im interested in anything technical and very handy. And he gave me a great example of how not to be. I reraly drink, maybe one beer a week in the evening. Never went partying, or anything like that, never actually wanted to go, Im very introverted so anything to do in public is very exhausting for me.

I do smoke a little weed every other evening, because i cant fall asleep, i guess my nerves are a bit shot because of all these years of stress.

Funny how when my father is sober and the topic of cannabis comes up hes all like '' look at these drug addicts destroying their brains'' and what not. And im always in disbelief that someone who, when drunk threatens to kill me, my mom and my grandmother could say something like that. When i smoke i get all funny and sleepy.

Last edited by bluekoi; 10-03-2019 at 10:55 AM.. Reason: Profanity edit.
Plavins1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:01 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.