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Trig Nov 02, 2019 at 02:03 PM
  #1
Since my niece start working she start hanging out with her friends and dating? She start drinking a lot and coming home angry 😠. Now her boyfriend has moved in who is drinking every day and night. She drinking every night and waking up angry 😠. I can't get her mom to move out her daughter house who is alcoholic.
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Default Nov 04, 2019 at 08:18 AM
  #2
Sorry to hear that @Buffy01
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It must be hard to watch someone else suffering. You made a suggestion, but it is up to the other person to make a choice.

All we can do is offer help, but it is up to the other person to receive help.

I hope you are doing okay. That must be hard to see and hear about.

I hope your niece's mom is able to move out one day. I also hope your niece gets help.
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Default Nov 04, 2019 at 08:52 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Lilly2 View Post
Sorry to hear that @Buffy01
(((safe hugs)))

It must be hard to watch someone else suffering. You made a suggestion, but it is up to the other person to make a choice.

All we can do is offer help, but it is up to the other person to receive help.

I hope you are doing okay. That must be hard to see and hear about.

I hope your niece's mom is able to move out one day. I also hope your niece gets help.
It hard to watch my niece drink and hard to watch my sister be so codependent on her daughter and my sister toxic friend who is alcoholic as well as other things. All I can I do is get of the way when things get out of control. Yet my sister claim it because her daughter didn't get a raise, it because one coworker didn't come in and gave her daughter more work to do, it because her daughter got into it with her boss, it because of her daughter domestic violence friend, it because it a social drink with her love in boyfriend who has her drinking every night instead of just the weekend. When none of those things had any thing to do with her daughter choosing to drink every night. Instead of drinking and hanging out with toxic coworker,friends, boyfriends and just being alone for awhile and looking elsewhere for a better job and getting into anger management and therapy her life would be so much better if she would understand why she is alcoholic. My sister should just put up boundaries by informing the police everytime my niece get violent and forcing her to get help as well moving out and finding her own way around my sister life would be better. I am caught in the middle. I am in the process of looking for a place to move somewhere else.
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Heart Nov 04, 2019 at 09:03 AM
  #4
Do you live with them? If so, I can see how hard it is for you. Anyone in the house can call police, btw. In some jurisdictions, police will simply try to calm the person down and issue them a warning, whereas in others, an arrest may be made. It depends. But if anyone fears for their safety, the police should be called.

That said, calling the police will aggravate and escalate persecutors of domestic violence. It could also prolong possible reform and rehabilitation efforts. It all depends.

Domestic violence need not include intimate partners. Roommates, family, and even aggressive minors could be perpetrators of domestic violence.

Substance use and codependent bystanders are often involved. Codependency is like an addiction as well. Both need rehab or support or therapy or some alternative, but both need to make those choices.

Triangulation is a form of emotional abuse that can result from situations like these. It is not your place or job to be put in the middle, or to be subjected to a role of mediator without your consent. You can and probably have set your boundaries while offering advice, but after that, your job is done.

If you live there, continue to state your boundaries while maintaining safety and finding a new place to live. Explain why you are looking for another place, and why you will not enable their behaviors as a triangulated mediator.

You deserve safety and peace at home. Home is supposed to be a safe sanctuary for all of us, not a hidden chamber of constant chaos.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

(((safe hugs)))
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Default Nov 04, 2019 at 10:01 AM
  #5
Also, it must be hard for your sister to see her daughter struggling this way.

If she's NOT codependent, she may be just loving her daughter and doing the best she can. That's a possibility, too.

In some cultures, family sticks together, no matter what. I grew up with a mixture of cultures, and my own mother believed in staying with an abusive alcoholic husband. Nevertheless, she did what she could to keep us together, even if we were harmed in the process.

People make decisions that we don't always like. When we feel caught in the middle, we have to ask ourselves if we put ourselves there (being therefore codependent ourselves), or if someone has triangulated us. Either way, it's not an easy position to be put into. Some people choose to play the mediator role, and sometimes it works out well. However, in other cases, it taxes the mediator since no change has been made.

I hope you are safe enough to plan a move, and I hope that your family can find help. You can still love them from a distance, but it seems like living there is causing you more stress than you want to take on. It also sounds like your sister is just doing what she can to be a good mom, though she may need some support to help her with her daughter's drinking problem and deviant friends.

Your niece is the one who needs to make a choice, and maybe she's not there yet. There's nothing you can do to force your niece, apart from calling the police. Even then, your niece may still choose that lifestyle.

I wish you well. Keep us posted.

(((safe hugs)))
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Default Nov 04, 2019 at 08:00 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Lilly2 View Post
Do you live with them? If so, I can see how hard it is for you. Anyone in the house can call police, btw. In some jurisdictions, police will simply try to calm the person down and issue them a warning, whereas in others, an arrest may be made. It depends. But if anyone fears for their safety, the police should be called.

That said, calling the police will aggravate and escalate persecutors of domestic violence. It could also prolong possible reform and rehabilitation efforts. It all depends.

Domestic violence need not include intimate partners. Roommates, family, and even aggressive minors could be perpetrators of domestic violence.

Substance use and codependent bystanders are often involved. Codependency is like an addiction as well. Both need rehab or support or therapy or some alternative, but both need to make those choices.

Triangulation is a form of emotional abuse that can result from situations like these. It is not your place or job to be put in the middle, or to be subjected to a role of mediator without your consent. You can and probably have set your boundaries while offering advice, but after that, your job is done.

If you live there, continue to state your boundaries while maintaining safety and finding a new place to live. Explain why you are looking for another place, and why you will not enable their behaviors as a triangulated mediator.

You deserve safety and peace at home. Home is supposed to be a safe sanctuary for all of us, not a hidden chamber of constant chaos.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

(((safe hugs)))
Yes I live with them. My niece has hit the walls threaten to harm family member and feel entitled to bully everyone.

My sister just won't call the police and have her daughter arrested or removed her love in boyfriend.

I'm trying to prevent social service from getting involved because my sister won't change her lifestyle.

I'm looking for a place to move to but I don't have enough money.
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Default Nov 04, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Lilly2 View Post
Also, it must be hard for your sister to see her daughter struggling this way.

If she's NOT codependent, she may be just loving her daughter and doing the best she can. That's a possibility, too.

In some cultures, family sticks together, no matter what. I grew up with a mixture of cultures, and my own mother believed in staying with an abusive alcoholic husband. Nevertheless, she did what she could to keep us together, even if we were harmed in the process.

People make decisions that we don't always like. When we feel caught in the middle, we have to ask ourselves if we put ourselves there (being therefore codependent ourselves), or if someone has triangulated us. Either way, it's not an easy position to be put into. Some people choose to play the mediator role, and sometimes it works out well. However, in other cases, it taxes the mediator since no change has been made.

I hope you are safe enough to plan a move, and I hope that your family can find help. You can still love them from a distance, but it seems like living there is causing you more stress than you want to take on. It also sounds like your sister is just doing what she can to be a good mom, though she may need some support to help her with her daughter's drinking problem and deviant friends.

Your niece is the one who needs to make a choice, and maybe she's not there yet. There's nothing you can do to force your niece, apart from calling the police. Even then, your niece may still choose that lifestyle.

I wish you well. Keep us posted.

(((safe hugs)))
My sister doesn't understand that the stress her daughter is putting on her isn't healthy for her health. She should call the police whenever her daughter get this way. Force to get some help. I already told my niece she hit me one time I have no problem calling the police and pressing charges. My sister just can't understand that she can survive without all these toxic people in her life.
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