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Old 06-17-2020, 07:24 PM   #1
Xonyx
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Trig Hand in hand

I was brought up in a household of extreme dysfunction. I'm quite sure plenty of folks can relate. My mother was never sober even from my earliest memory of her.
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My mother knew about it, but she refused to acknowledge that, let alone put a stop to it. She depended on my father for everything, and speaking up about something like abuse would mean she lost her security. Could have been one of the reasons she drank.

So, I reached the age of 17 and moved out. I married at age 19 and blocked both of them out of my life for years. I separated from my spouse after a number of years and made the mistake of contacting my parents again. They were both still just as controlling and demanding and entitled as they always were.

After about a year of being around my parents again, my mother was diagnosed with 4th stage liver failure. And, for reasons I can't explain, I took on the position of caring for her. She had a lot of pain. A lot of different doctors that she would see on a weekly basis. I moved in with my parents again for the purpose of caring for her. Under the thumb of my father whom had absolute control over each and every thing I did and said.

By this time I had rekindled a relationship with someone I knew in high school. Unbeknownst to me, he was a raging alcoholic too. It was okay in the beginning, but it quickly changed. He treated me horribly. Degraded me, physically abused me, lied all the time, couldn't keep a job. You get the picture. Very narcissistic.

During this time of living with my father and mother who had both abused me my entire childhood and dealing with a narcissistic partner, I was dragged down to the very depths of the deepest depression I have ever felt.

This situation lasted for five long years until my alcoholic (and now also addicted to prescription pain killers) mother died.

The reason for going into depth about the aforementioned is so you'll better understand my question ..... And that is why did I feel like it was my duty to take care of her for the last years of her life. After all she had put me through, why did I even care? I'm consistently rolling this question around in my head. I've not been able to make sense of myself.

Last edited by bluekoi; 06-18-2020 at 10:28 AM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
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Old 06-18-2020, 02:55 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you had to endure all of this abuse. I don't believe I have the answer for you as to why you cared & took care of your mother during the last years of her life. (Perhaps other PC members will have some insights & experiences they'll wish to share.) However in the meantime here are links to 7 articles, from PC's archives, that may be of some help with sorting this:

Are We Obligated to Care for Aging Narcissistic Parents?

Repetition Compulsion: Why Do We Repeat the Past?

Radiohead and repetition compulsion

How Toxic Guilt and False Responsibility Keep You in Dysfunction

What is Trauma Bonding?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/savvy...ough-to-break/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...a-trauma-bond/

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Old 06-23-2020, 02:12 PM   #3
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I appreciate your articles you shared. Especially the Toxic Guilt article. Its a battle to overcome.
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Old 06-27-2020, 09:11 PM   #4
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Sometimes itís early conditioning that a person doesnt realize.

Now that your mother has passed are you still living at home with your father?

Also it would be good for you to read about codependency and setting better boundaries so you donít end up living your life as a codependent.
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Old 06-28-2020, 03:56 PM   #5
Xonyx
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I am currently residing in a safe house for domestic violence. I had him arrested for hitting me and he's currently on the run for the charges related to that arrest. He bonded out and no one knows where he is. So, that puts my safety in jeopardy. I'm trying to reclaim myself... Truly get to know who I am, as I've never been afforded the opportunity to do so. Or, so it felt as such. Being brought up in such a toxic environment and then going on to get myself mixed in with men that are also abusive really does make one question whether or not they're making right decisions. I'm currently in therapy, and so far it's helping me to understand myself and others a lot more than I ever have. The safe house staff is so supportive and encouraging. They're helping me get on my own two feet for the first time in my life. I feel excited about it. I'm going back to college and reinventing my whole self. It's hard, yes. But I feel great about the future. I will always have questions about my life, but sometimes the healing doesn't come with answers to those questions. I believe healing is coming to an overall understanding of what's happened and just letting it be. I don't have to know why so long as I give the past its place. Behind me. That feels good.
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