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Old 07-03-2017, 01:34 PM #1
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Unhappy 14 years of anorexia and so done.

I have a long history of anorexia spanning 14 years that resulted from 8 years of childhood sexual abuse. Lots of hospitalisations. One recent failed suicide attempt. Ive been in therapy for the last two years. At 27 Im now feeling the physical affects of anorexia, and I WANT to recover, and Im frustrated that I still cannot eat.

I feel like a victim of my own mind. I dont want to be a revolving door patient. I understand that we can 'only sae ourselves', yet I cannot seem to 'save myself'. The services in the area where I live for people with eating disorders are sparce and Ive exhuasted the resources that are available, I also dont have the money to go privately. I also dont know how any other professional could help me in any other way in which I havent already been 'helped' in the last 14 years.

I see people younger than me, recovering. I also see people older than me living with this illness in their 40's and 50's and beyond and that terrifies me - and I know that could be me if I carry one.

Im frustrated and feel so alone, and have no idea where to turn.

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Old 07-04-2017, 10:54 AM #2
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Default Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

Sometimes i think treating eating disorders makes them worse. You seem to have identified abuse as an underlying cause. I would say try not letting anorexia steal the show and be a huge distraction in your treatment and recovery-much the way it is in your real life. Put focus on healing and recovering from the underlying and contributing factors.
That is my advice, which may or may not be any good. Thank you for posting.
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Old 07-10-2017, 11:35 AM #3
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Default Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iwanttobelieve View Post
I have a long history of anorexia spanning 14 years that resulted from 8 years of childhood sexual abuse. Lots of hospitalisations. One recent failed suicide attempt. Ive been in therapy for the last two years. At 27 Im now feeling the physical affects of anorexia, and I WANT to recover, and Im frustrated that I still cannot eat.

I feel like a victim of my own mind. I dont want to be a revolving door patient. I understand that we can 'only sae ourselves', yet I cannot seem to 'save myself'. The services in the area where I live for people with eating disorders are sparce and Ive exhuasted the resources that are available, I also dont have the money to go privately. I also dont know how any other professional could help me in any other way in which I havent already been 'helped' in the last 14 years.

I see people younger than me, recovering. I also see people older than me living with this illness in their 40's and 50's and beyond and that terrifies me - and I know that could be me if I carry one.

Im frustrated and feel so alone, and have no idea where to turn.

Hey

I struggled with anorexia for 13 years. I understand how you feel 100%.

I am 33 today and recovered physically at the age of 30.

I can say that it is worth recovering physically, really. It does get better mentally as well, but sometimes I still struggle with body dismorphia and sometimes I hate being normal weight (sometimes I like it!)...but at least I don't have to worry about osteoporosis and other crap.

It is really hard to gain weight and look normal, when you are struggling inside, It feels like no one sees how much you are hurting. But at the same time, it is the only chance you have to find out why you are hurting!

let me explain, only when I recovered from anorexia it was clear that many of my issues came from other mental illnesses. I am now diagnosed with BPD, and I probably have other issues as well. It gets so much clearer when anorexia isn't in the way, because I can work with the real issues.

I would say I recovered with the help of my fear. Fear of getting disabled, fear or permanent physical damage, fear of the future. It helped me to see the big picture: my life, my only life

I still struggle with eating sometimes, but mostly I eat enough and I keep a normal weight. I have completely dropped exercise and I can eat a normal amount without gaining weight, which I never thought would be possible.

I have to accept my body set itself at a BMI of 21-22, but that is fine. I have to accept it.

My advice is, you have to jump in the cold water. Brace yourself, anxiety will come. You have a mission and that is stabilizing your weight. If talking to a therapists helps, try to get one. But the fight is inside you, and you have to be ready to take the anxiety.

If you don't, you will eventually die, or have the rest of your life destroyed. THis is reality.

I strongly advice eating minimum 3000 calories/day until that doesn't make you gain anymore. Then you have reached the weight your body needs to recover. A lot of repair has to be done after 14 years of disordered eating. Only then you can cut the calories a bit. Some people gain more, some less. You will not be able to control the weight gain, this is the truth. You have to trust.

I know it seems impossible. But it is either you fight with your anxiety or you accept this disorder will take your life, you have to be determined and walk through the storm. It will end and it will get better. I promise

Feel free to PM me if you need.

Hugs
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Old 07-17-2017, 08:05 PM #4
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Talking Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iwanttobelieve View Post
I have a long history of anorexia spanning 14 years that resulted from 8 years of childhood sexual abuse. Lots of hospitalisations. One recent failed suicide attempt. Ive been in therapy for the last two years. At 27 Im now feeling the physical affects of anorexia, and I WANT to recover, and Im frustrated that I still cannot eat.

I feel like a victim of my own mind. I dont want to be a revolving door patient. I understand that we can 'only sae ourselves', yet I cannot seem to 'save myself'. The services in the area where I live for people with eating disorders are sparce and Ive exhuasted the resources that are available, I also dont have the money to go privately. I also dont know how any other professional could help me in any other way in which I havent already been 'helped' in the last 14 years.

I see people younger than me, recovering. I also see people older than me living with this illness in their 40's and 50's and beyond and that terrifies me - and I know that could be me if I carry one.

Im frustrated and feel so alone, and have no idea where to turn.

How are you today Ms. Lizette? I read your post and I'm with you 100%.
I've had this disease for 30 years. I was diagnosed in 86. I'm doing very poorly due to malnutrition. I know I can't find treatment because I've been looking for quite some time. I tried to gain weight but I can't stand the feeling of it. I'm sorry you're stuck in this disease. I have no idea how I can help / support you but I would like to help you. But I can't help myself so I should just mind my own business.

I'm new here so I don't know what else I can do for the anorexics here.

Best of luck getting better!
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Old 07-19-2017, 09:48 PM #5
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Default Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

I do know for me, when I worked on the underlying causes of my anorexia & am now living in a safe environment (i was 33 years in a bad marriage) that grew horrible the last 13 years of that time. Resolving those issues & having a wonderful new life to focus on has been critical to getting through the anorexia. I still dont eat 3 full meals a day but eat healthy & maintain healthy weight now.

It is possible....but it took years of good therapy to work through those underlying issues
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14 years of anorexia and so done.



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Old 09-26-2017, 05:51 PM #6
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Default What a great response

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette View Post
Hey

I struggled with anorexia for 13 years. I understand how you feel 100%.

I am 33 today and recovered physically at the age of 30.

I can say that it is worth recovering physically, really. It does get better mentally as well, but sometimes I still struggle with body dismorphia and sometimes I hate being normal weight (sometimes I like it!)...but at least I don't have to worry about osteoporosis and other crap.

It is really hard to gain weight and look normal, when you are struggling inside, It feels like no one sees how much you are hurting. But at the same time, it is the only chance you have to find out why you are hurting!

let me explain, only when I recovered from anorexia it was clear that many of my issues came from other mental illnesses. I am now diagnosed with BPD, and I probably have other issues as well. It gets so much clearer when anorexia isn't in the way, because I can work with the real issues.

I would say I recovered with the help of my fear. Fear of getting disabled, fear or permanent physical damage, fear of the future. It helped me to see the big picture: my life, my only life

I still struggle with eating sometimes, but mostly I eat enough and I keep a normal weight. I have completely dropped exercise and I can eat a normal amount without gaining weight, which I never thought would be possible.

I have to accept my body set itself at a BMI of 21-22, but that is fine. I have to accept it.

My advice is, you have to jump in the cold water. Brace yourself, anxiety will come. You have a mission and that is stabilizing your weight. If talking to a therapists helps, try to get one. But the fight is inside you, and you have to be ready to take the anxiety.

If you don't, you will eventually die, or have the rest of your life destroyed. THis is reality.

I strongly advice eating minimum 3000 calories/day until that doesn't make you gain anymore. Then you have reached the weight your body needs to recover. A lot of repair has to be done after 14 years of disordered eating. Only then you can cut the calories a bit. Some people gain more, some less. You will not be able to control the weight gain, this is the truth. You have to trust.

I know it seems impossible. But it is either you fight with your anxiety or you accept this disorder will take your life, you have to be determined and walk through the storm. It will end and it will get better. I promise

Feel free to PM me if you need.

Hugs
You've helped more people than who indicate. Thank you
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Old 09-19-2018, 10:31 PM #7
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Default Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

I've had anorexia since I was 10, so I feel your pain. I turn 20 in 7 days. I know it isn't 14 years but I've been in and out of therapy since I was 17. I go into therapy, seemingly get better quite fast, quit therapy, and relapse. I never seem to learn that I'll relapse. I almost died when I was 16. Feeling like a victim of your mind sucks, because people think you can control it but it's not that easy and I know it, so I'm here for you.
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Old 09-28-2018, 12:21 PM #8
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Default Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

I've struggled with this stupid ED over 20 years now. I'm 40, and I was diagnosed with anorexia at 19, though to be sure, I had body image issues all through high school as well.

I've had periods of recovery and relapse, recovery and relapse. Times when I did fairly well. My first bout with anorexia was the worst, and the good news is that I gained the weight and got over the worst of it on my own. I think I may have had a psych med for sleep, and Paxil too (they diagnosed me with major depression though 10 years later I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder). It sucked, but I was basically able to do it on my own. I had a sliding scale therapist, but she didn't specialize in EDs. I didn't see her the summer I took to recover (couldn't because I had to be a student at the university & I wasn't taking classes). So it is possible to gain the weight on your own, cut exercise, drink so many protein shakes you think you cannot stand another.

But whenever I'm hurt, have a hard time coping, and life sucks, I turn back to the ED. I got really bad after a massage parlor incident in 2015. I didn't even realize I had turned back to it until later I saw pictures from then.

I was going along OK (I mean, I don't know that I'll ever 100% get rid of the thoughts), when I got a perforated ulcer Feb. 2018 (Valentine's Day, actually). The ulcer was not caused by the ED, I had been a low normal weight for awhile, but when that happened, I lost a lot of weight in the hospital. Medical bills mounted because our health insurance is awful. I have stress in my marriage, stress with my daughter, financial issues, it's just too much. I took to running again once I was 6 weeks post-surgery (those ulcer surgeries are extremely painful, makes childbirth look like a cakewalk). Now, I'm again stuck in the ED. Not as badly as before, trying to pull myself out, and my psychiatrist is not the least amused by my weight and neither is my PCP. So I've spent this week not exercising and feeling like I'm fat because of it, like I will wake up morbidly obese tomorrow or something...sigh.

I'm going back to therapy again. It's not an ED therapist. I'd have to drive 45 minutes at least for that, if not longer, and doing that weekly having panic disorder with a particular phobia of driving (especially in large cities) just is not something I can easily do. I've just started with this therapist. She does CBT. After the fact, I realized that CBT was actually what I used to get myself out of the original ED.

But now I'm older, I am married with a 10 year old daughter. Stuff is more complicated. And I still hold on to it. We have a lot of financial stress since I don't work (the bipolar disorder has nearly landed me in the psych hospital every time I've tried to work). Sometimes, I'd last a week, a month, 2 days...ugh. Bipolar kicked in fully in my mind 20s. An unfortunate shooting incident gave me more PTSD and panic disorder. The bipolar finally got diagnosed and I got on the right meds for that, but still I struggle with it too.

I hate being so stuck.

But you are right. We do choose our own fate. Not having an ED based therapist or treatment program available to you is not an absolute barrier to being able to gain weight and make a recovery, at least for some years in my case. But you have to decide and do and be conscious of your choices, ignore the ED urges, it's hard. In college, I did go to a free group meeting for people with EDs, but it only triggered me more. And when I recovered in college, I was a very low weight, should have been in the hospital, am actually surprised that I was not (parents had no health insurance). So a person can be pretty far gone and make it out.

It's the staying out that I struggle with. Especially when life keeps slamming you with bad luck again and again and again...
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Old 10-09-2018, 03:54 AM #9
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Default Re: 14 years of anorexia and so done.

All I can do here is send out love. There are very may theories on how best to treat EDs but the primary one is the medical one -restore normal (BMI...lol) weight and eating patterns prior to therapy otherwise therapy won't work.


In all honesty, I think I needed therapy before force feeding and I have been underweight (highly acute and moderately so) most of my life, still am today.



Early intervention is the best prevention, there is far more research, information, support and services now than there was decades ago. I shall not say more, could go on forever, but it won't necessarily be helpful. Just here to wave, say hi, and identify as a long term sufferer also. PM anytime
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