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Twist3d
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Default May 09, 2019 at 08:09 AM
  #1
I had self-esteem issues for my whole life. My family was abusive, they yelled daily, suffocated my curiosity with absurdly strict rules and standards. I felt suffocated from within but took years to realize it, even longer to express it. I was often characterised as shy but I often feared of all that negativity from other people, as I was taught to be always on toes of my parents's reactions. And due to that low self-esteem, I got bullied no matter where I went. Eventually I started to dare to fight back and obviously was rejected... but the same resulted from being bullied and not fighting.


In the end I grew very resentful and even developed self-loathing because I was more sensitive and timid than others. I wished to be more tough, cold and daring, just to have an exciting life that is worth living and defined by me, not someone else. I never had that freedom before however and people could easily overwhelm me. I admit, I hate being so feminine by nature, even while I've wanted to be more masculine and worked on it. If that made me less sensitive. Not sure how much I've absorbed from media and cultural norms. But I'm stifled and stuck, all my pride and sense of being powerful has been taken from me, over and over again. I wish I could just harden my heart permanently in order to fight and win, even if it meant getting my hands dirty, not fight and lose because I've mostly done it for self-defense, not as a well-planned out attack like antisocials etc do. In order to feel superior to others even once. Not always be the loser.


I can't redefine this... no matter what I do, "the knowledge" just comes back to me, the truth. In animal kingdom I'd be dead many times by now. I want to be strong. I want to learn to evade "law and consequences" like real antisocials - the predators - do. If that is the real strength and superiority, I want to be that and there should be no difference. I want them to suffer as I have suffered for half of my life this far. I want to throw away my life unless I can change exactly into what I want and make my life how I wanted it to be. So I can call it mine, successful result of my choice, not what someone else wanted me to be or live through. I don't want to be the pure and innocent prey anymore. And that should be authentic, not just a shallow act which narcissists pull.


These thoughts flood in my mind, when I take the anger-filter off. I've started suspecting I've developed toxic shame. But i can't heal it with conventional means. I don't know what to do...
Possible trigger:
I want the life-altering change now, not later. I've rotten almost 40 years of my life already. No more. Letting me live is just a slow painful death.

Last edited by CANDC; May 22, 2019 at 09:19 PM.. Reason: Community Guidelines
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Thanks for this!
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Skeezyks
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Smile May 26, 2019 at 06:42 PM
  #2
Hello Twist3d: I see this was your first post here on PC. I'm sorry you are only now receiving your first reply. The Antisocial Personality Disorder forum is not one of PC's more active forums, as you can probably imagine. Anyway... a belated welcome to Psych Central to you.

I think I know something about what you were talking about here in your post. For some reason, which I myself don't fully understand, I've always been a pretty meek person & sometimes described as shy... or perhaps "quiet" would be more appropos. I was also the target of bullies many years ago. However I am 70 years old now & live a mostly reclusive lifestyle. It's too late for me to change my stripes at this late date. As I once heard a character say in a TV program I watched... when you get to be as old as I am you come to realize you can only be the person you've always been. At least that's the way it appears to me looking at it from my vantage point now.

Anyway... I don't know as I would want to wish you good luck in becoming an antisocial predator. But I can certainly sympathize with your desire to be bold. There have been times I have wished that for myself too. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Fuzzybear
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Default May 26, 2019 at 07:23 PM
  #3
Welcome to pc

I also don’t really want to wish you luck in becoming an antisocial predator but I can certainly sympathise in wanting to be less “sensitive” etc (I’m female btw) although personally I’ve accepted that is how I am... sensitive ..

I also had a very “toxic” upbringing (for want of a more useful word ).. also suffocating in many ways.

I hope you find pc helpful, there is some good information here.

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