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SneakySniper179
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 03:12 AM
  #1
Let me start off by saying I have no intentions of hurting anyone for the most part. I believe that the world would be a much better place if some people died off. From some things that I have done I think I fall under my own category, I have abused animals in several ways as a child and I still remember feeling much remorse over their deaths but from the things I have done I don't think I get the full gravity of it. I can remember a time in my life when I was innocent, There was a family death but I don't think it changed me like I think it did, It very well could have but I am not sure. You are probably asking yourself, What is the advice you want. Well, Let me get down to brass tax, I have bipolar disorder with mixed manic episodes. That is my official diagnosis. What I feel seems very distant.

Like I almost have a block up. It's not that I don't feel anything. It's that I find everything to be trivial. I cannot fathom real loss. for example, a member of my family came back into my life after many years because he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I thought he was the coolest guy ever. I wanted to see him as much as I could when he was still alive. I remember when we were going up to say our goodbyes. He died in the car ride over. I watched my mom freak out and start crying but I didn't react like that in the slightest. It made me feel evil. It made me start to question myself. What would I have to lose for me to feel something like that for something else? This has made me question my moral standing. I hide under my newly found religious beliefs now like I did my formal anti-theistic beliefs I held before. before I had a breakthrough in my life from something I will address at another time I held myself behind the notion that nothing I did will ever matter. That this whole thing was pointless and went nowhere.

At the time of his death, that was the belief I had held. Now I hide under the fact that if we have souls, Death is meanless and nothing to shed tears over. But at the end of the day, I believe that I have destroyed pieces of myself with my actions and I am now just realizing that. Do any of you feel this way? Like you made yourself emotionless. I believe some people are born without feeling anything but I don't think that is the majority. I know I still feel stuff but I think everyone feels something at some time or another. This is just me rambling on in the early morning, it's just been a question on my mind for quite some time.
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Anonymous43089
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 12:53 PM
  #2
I have abused animals in several ways as a child and I still remember feeling much remorse over their deaths but from the things I have done I don't think I get the full gravity of it.

Why did you abuse animals? How often, what kind of animals, and in what way? What did you get out of it? Did you continue abusing animals after feeling remorse over it?

There's a lot to unpack here.

Like I almost have a block up. It's not that I don't feel anything. It's that I find everything to be trivial.

I took a stroll through some of your older posts, and I'm not getting the impression that you feel nothing. In particular, you recounted a story where you had an argument with a neighbor, after which you became physically ill. That's a side effect of high levels of anxiety.

I don't think it's the case that you have no emotions, but rather that you're denying them.

It made me feel evil. It made me start to question myself. This has made me question my moral standing.

Why did you begin to feel evil? Supposing you were evil, would that bother you?

But at the end of the day, I believe that I have destroyed pieces of myself with my actions and I am now just realizing that.

Trauma can stunt our emotional expression, sure. And in extreme cases, it can result in thought patterns and behavior which mimic psychopathy, something the shrinks refer to as "secondary psychopathy." I'm not convinced that you're one of those cases, though.

Do any of you feel this way? Like you made yourself emotionless.

No. I was born this way.
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Iloivar
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 01:31 PM
  #3
I don't think you're evil or deserve to die. You've expressed remorse over your past actions and no longer do them anymore if i understand correctly.

Also, how you reacted over your relatives death doesn't make you evil either. It simply makes you wired differently, and it was something you had no control over the time. Besides, it sounded like you cared about him a lot by wanting to spend time with him every chance you could. But even if your reaction over their death was completely emotionless (which you don't exactly state) and/or you didn't care for them in an emotional way, my point still stands.

As for advice (assuming you want to change this lack of emotion) Well, have you tried therapy? I think it could ve of benefit to you.

And if you want to find people to relate to what you're experiencing, well if you're unable to find it here, keep trying on other forums and sites, you're bound to find someone that can relate to you in some or many levels.
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naturalemotion5
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 01:54 AM
  #4
I feel completely devoid of emotions all the time except anxiety and anger. I've felt like this ever since X traumatic event, which makes me think there's a connection. When deaths or huge events happen I barely react, and barely feel anything, and it makes me feel like a bad person. I also can't find any enjoyment out of things I normally really like, and I think a lot about hurting other people. I sometimes think , "maybe I'm antisocial" but I really think its just emotionally deadening.

I think maybe I made myself emotionless. Everyday I think I'm getting less and less connected. I surround myself with this brutal mentality about life, me vs. them, everything is life or death, everyone is truly a coward and bad person out to get me and out for themselves no matter how they try to dress it up and its all about survival, it's all worthless and I feel nothing and I'll act cruel because its what they'd do.

My advice would be similar to everyone elses - go to therapy, talk about it with people you think will understand. You can get answers that way and find out more about being born without feeling vs. losing feeling.
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Default Feb 09, 2020 at 06:12 AM
  #5
I find the similarities and differences between bipolar and AsPD/HPD fascinating. I knew somebody that had been diagnosed with AsPD in a psych ward, who eventually became re-diagnosed with bipolar and put on lithium. In the spirit of that, I'm willing to give my answers for comparative study.

I don't really know what you mean when you say you felt evil. I'm not saying that I haven't felt this, but I don't know what this refers to. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of repressed guilt.

I was definitely born less emotional than other people. I was also born almost entirely unable to feel affective empathy. I used to think that I was really born with the same low emotional baseline that I have now, but after a lot of therapy and self-exploration I no longer believe that's the case. I think I repressed a lot of emotion as a coping mechanism when I was younger to deal with my abuse. And that repression has become so habitual that I no longer really feel, or register that I feel, a lot more than I think I do. I think my reaction to everything eventually became "it doesn't matter, stop thinking about it." Again, I really thought this was just how I am until I started revisiting my childhood in therapy, and while I don't remember being emotional everyone who knew me has stories of me displaying more emotion more naturally than I can now.

My advice? Decide whether you actually want to get back in touch with those emotions, and how much you want them to affect you. You've been gifted with the ability to choose how much you want to feel, and that's not something a lot of people have.

You mentioned that you're religious. Well, I recommend mysticism. I don't believe in the supernatural, but mystical practices like dream interpretation and introspective meditation have been more effective at helping me understand myself than any form of treatment given to me by my psychologist. I'm not sure which religion you're getting into, so I have some books to recommend depending on who you are:
"The Chicken Qabalah of Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford" by Lon Milo Dilettante. This works for Abrahamic religions.
"Daemonic Shamanism" by William Briar. This works for paganism and the Left-Hand Path.
"The Bhagavad Gita" by Eknath Easwaran. This works for Hinduism.

The reason that mysticism works so well for me is that I already naturally externalize a lot of my feelings. And mysticism works with "internal" or "psychological" aspects of gods and religion, inspiring psychologists like Carl Jung when he developed Archetypal Psychology. Each of these works is merely introductory, though.

Nobody is really born feeling nothing. Research into both people with Schizoid Personality Disorder and criminal psychopaths shows that they're most like merely pre-disposed to learning unhealthy coping mechanisms that repress their emotions and prevent them from having insight into what they feel. Both disorders are still poorly understood, but the research is humanizing them.

There's a reason so many tests for psychopathy ask whether the subject views emotions as a weakness, because if they view emotions as a weakness then they're less likely to seek out and feel their own; it's a sign of repression. This is seen the best, I think, in the studies surrounding Jeffrey Dahmer.
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