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scarlett35
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Default Nov 13, 2018 at 06:23 PM
  #1
Hi everyone, for a while now I've been having really bad anxiety about my boyfriend dying and sometimes I'm struggling to cope with the worry.

We have a really good relationship. Just about to move in together, things going well, both good at having our own space and doing our own thing and then having a good time together as well.

There's a 7 year age gap between us (I'm 27, he's 34). I know it isn't loads, but it still scares me that when I'm 63 he will be 70.

I keep having obsessive thoughts about the situation, thinking how many years we could have together. Googling for reassurance and then finding horrible stories about people losing their partners. If something happened to him now I feel like I wouldn't cope at all and I'd have a complete melt down.
Possible trigger:
. It feels like OCD (which I am diagnosed with) but I've never had it with a relationship before this one.

My grandad died a few years ago and it's been hard watching my nan try and cope without him. Everytime a person's husband dies on the telly, it triggers me and makes me anxious. It's worse at bedtime and when I'm not with him.

We could have years of happy life together. I don't want to waste them by being anxious. I want to enjoy the moments we have now and just live life to the fullest, without over worrying about being left alone. I'm all for living life to the full, as it is very short, but I don't want my anxiety to ruin it

Help. Does anyone have any advice or can empathize?
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Default Nov 13, 2018 at 07:15 PM
  #2
Do you think your anxiety is related specifically to the age gap? Or do you think it could be deeper and that it's possible there's other anxiety about the age gap that is just coming across as an anxiety over him dying before you?

The reality of the situation is that either of you could die at any moment, regardless of your age, from a variety of causes. That probably doesn't make you feel any better or improve your level of anxiety, but that's why I'm wondering if there's something more to this age gap anxiety.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to help you, but I agree. Try to stay mindful and in the present so that you can enjoy your time together rather than spend it stuck in anxiety. I know that is so much easier said than done.
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Default Nov 13, 2018 at 08:35 PM
  #3
Statistically speaking, he's likely to die before you, both due to the age difference and because men tend to die sooner (by at least a few years, I believe) than women. But you could also be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would be that.

The point I'm trying to make is this: there's a reason they say the only two things in life are death and taxes. And we have no control over when we die, but we do have control over how we live it.
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 02:08 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by RomanSunburn View Post
Do you think your anxiety is related specifically to the age gap? Or do you think it could be deeper and that it's possible there's other anxiety about the age gap that is just coming across as an anxiety over him dying before you?

The reality of the situation is that either of you could die at any moment, regardless of your age, from a variety of causes. That probably doesn't make you feel any better or improve your level of anxiety, but that's why I'm wondering if there's something more to this age gap anxiety.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to help you, but I agree. Try to stay mindful and in the present so that you can enjoy your time together rather than spend it stuck in anxiety. I know that is so much easier said than done.
I think if he were the same age as me I would be less worried. Just because I'd feel like there was an equal chance of us being together for longer.

I think I'm just worried because life seems to pass by so quickly. I know I'm quite young and we both are, but the older I get the quicker life seems to just pass by. But at the same time we have been together two years and in a way it feels like I've known him my whole life.

I think you're right. I woke up this morning and I feel much better. It's the evening where my mind just runs away with me and I start overthinking everything.
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Default Nov 14, 2018 at 02:18 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by peacelizard View Post
Statistically speaking, he's likely to die before you, both due to the age difference and because men tend to die sooner (by at least a few years, I believe) than women. But you could also be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would be that.

The point I'm trying to make is this: there's a reason they say the only two things in life are death and taxes. And we have no control over when we die, but we do have control over how we live it.
Yeah I think the stats thing does worry me, but again it doesn't guarantee anything like you said! I know men who've lived to 100 and women who've lived in the 70s.

I just think, when it gets to the evening and I'm on my own I can be easily triggered. I saw a tweet about somebody who's friend had died in their early 40s and immediately thought, what if that happens to my boyfriend? Then the thoughts just started overflowing and getting out of control. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better but I will have the thoughts again another time.

I do try and appreciate the little things and in a way this worry can be used kind of productively to make sure I'm enjoying life, but at the same time it gets so intense i don't want it to ruin it by making me feel sad and anxious all the time about something that could potentially be years away or something I might never have to live with.
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Default Nov 18, 2018 at 07:27 AM
  #6
My DH is older than me and I have had the same worry you have! We have been happily married for 38 years but I still worry that he will die before me. There is nothing to make me think that since he is healthy.

For me it has always been about fear of abandonment. Like many people, my childhood situation was not stable but I was fortunate to find a good person and the idea that it could be taken away is so scary.

I don't have answers, just empathy. Even with that constant underlying worry, I wouldn't trade these years we have had for anything.
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Default Nov 18, 2018 at 07:42 AM
  #7
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My DH is older than me and I have had the same worry you have! We have been happily married for 38 years but I still worry that he will die before me. There is nothing to make me think that since he is healthy.

For me it has always been about fear of abandonment. Like many people, my childhood situation was not stable but I was fortunate to find a good person and the idea that it could be taken away is so scary.

I don't have answers, just empathy. Even with that constant underlying worry, I wouldn't trade these years we have had for anything.
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad to know you have had happy years! It's also good to know I'm not alone in the worry.

Sometimes it hits me and sometimes I'm ok. I think it depends on how anxious I am feeling at the time. it is also worse if I am alone and he is not there on an evening.

I suppose in a way i am lucky that I have someone I love that much! I'm lucky I get to spend my days with somebody like that
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Default Nov 18, 2018 at 11:12 AM
  #8
((((scarlett35)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you see a therapist? I feel like this is an issue that could use some further exploring. In the meantime, try to do your best at enjoying the moments you have with him, and let's hope there will be many, many more. Just remember to keep an healthy lifestyle
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Default Nov 18, 2018 at 11:25 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
((((scarlett35)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you see a therapist? I feel like this is an issue that could use some further exploring. In the meantime, try to do your best at enjoying the moments you have with him, and let's hope there will be many, many more. Just remember to keep an healthy lifestyle
I was seeing one but recently finished as in the UK we only get to have so many sessions and then have to leave I feel like some more sessions could have helped me to really get to the bottom of the issues! Including this one.

Thanks for the reply I will try and enjoy it as much as I can!!
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Default Nov 18, 2018 at 12:06 PM
  #10
((((scarlett35))))
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