advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-13-2018, 05:23 PM   #1
scarlett35
Member
scarlett35 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Posts: 311
2 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Anxious about boyfriend dying

Hi everyone, for a while now I've been having really bad anxiety about my boyfriend dying and sometimes I'm struggling to cope with the worry.

We have a really good relationship. Just about to move in together, things going well, both good at having our own space and doing our own thing and then having a good time together as well.

There's a 7 year age gap between us (I'm 27, he's 34). I know it isn't loads, but it still scares me that when I'm 63 he will be 70.

I keep having obsessive thoughts about the situation, thinking how many years we could have together. Googling for reassurance and then finding horrible stories about people losing their partners. If something happened to him now I feel like I wouldn't cope at all and I'd have a complete melt down.
Possible trigger:
. It feels like OCD (which I am diagnosed with) but I've never had it with a relationship before this one.

My grandad died a few years ago and it's been hard watching my nan try and cope without him. Everytime a person's husband dies on the telly, it triggers me and makes me anxious. It's worse at bedtime and when I'm not with him.

We could have years of happy life together. I don't want to waste them by being anxious. I want to enjoy the moments we have now and just live life to the fullest, without over worrying about being left alone. I'm all for living life to the full, as it is very short, but I don't want my anxiety to ruin it

Help. Does anyone have any advice or can empathize?
scarlett35 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 11-13-2018, 06:15 PM   #2
RomanSunburn
Poohbah
 
RomanSunburn's Avatar
RomanSunburn has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2008
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,293
10 yr Member
629 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

Do you think your anxiety is related specifically to the age gap? Or do you think it could be deeper and that it's possible there's other anxiety about the age gap that is just coming across as an anxiety over him dying before you?

The reality of the situation is that either of you could die at any moment, regardless of your age, from a variety of causes. That probably doesn't make you feel any better or improve your level of anxiety, but that's why I'm wondering if there's something more to this age gap anxiety.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to help you, but I agree. Try to stay mindful and in the present so that you can enjoy your time together rather than spend it stuck in anxiety. I know that is so much easier said than done.
RomanSunburn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-13-2018, 07:35 PM   #3
peacelizard
Member
peacelizard has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 188
3 yr Member
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

Statistically speaking, he's likely to die before you, both due to the age difference and because men tend to die sooner (by at least a few years, I believe) than women. But you could also be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would be that.

The point I'm trying to make is this: there's a reason they say the only two things in life are death and taxes. And we have no control over when we die, but we do have control over how we live it.
peacelizard is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-14-2018, 01:08 AM   #4
scarlett35
Member
scarlett35 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Posts: 311
2 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

Quote:
Originally Posted by RomanSunburn View Post
Do you think your anxiety is related specifically to the age gap? Or do you think it could be deeper and that it's possible there's other anxiety about the age gap that is just coming across as an anxiety over him dying before you?

The reality of the situation is that either of you could die at any moment, regardless of your age, from a variety of causes. That probably doesn't make you feel any better or improve your level of anxiety, but that's why I'm wondering if there's something more to this age gap anxiety.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to help you, but I agree. Try to stay mindful and in the present so that you can enjoy your time together rather than spend it stuck in anxiety. I know that is so much easier said than done.
I think if he were the same age as me I would be less worried. Just because I'd feel like there was an equal chance of us being together for longer.

I think I'm just worried because life seems to pass by so quickly. I know I'm quite young and we both are, but the older I get the quicker life seems to just pass by. But at the same time we have been together two years and in a way it feels like I've known him my whole life.

I think you're right. I woke up this morning and I feel much better. It's the evening where my mind just runs away with me and I start overthinking everything.
scarlett35 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-14-2018, 01:18 AM   #5
scarlett35
Member
scarlett35 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Posts: 311
2 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacelizard View Post
Statistically speaking, he's likely to die before you, both due to the age difference and because men tend to die sooner (by at least a few years, I believe) than women. But you could also be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would be that.

The point I'm trying to make is this: there's a reason they say the only two things in life are death and taxes. And we have no control over when we die, but we do have control over how we live it.
Yeah I think the stats thing does worry me, but again it doesn't guarantee anything like you said! I know men who've lived to 100 and women who've lived in the 70s.

I just think, when it gets to the evening and I'm on my own I can be easily triggered. I saw a tweet about somebody who's friend had died in their early 40s and immediately thought, what if that happens to my boyfriend? Then the thoughts just started overflowing and getting out of control. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better but I will have the thoughts again another time.

I do try and appreciate the little things and in a way this worry can be used kind of productively to make sure I'm enjoying life, but at the same time it gets so intense i don't want it to ruin it by making me feel sad and anxious all the time about something that could potentially be years away or something I might never have to live with.
scarlett35 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-18-2018, 06:27 AM   #6
Little Lulu
Grand Poohbah
 
Little Lulu's Avatar
Little Lulu has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,761
5 yr Member
475 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

My DH is older than me and I have had the same worry you have! We have been happily married for 38 years but I still worry that he will die before me. There is nothing to make me think that since he is healthy.

For me it has always been about fear of abandonment. Like many people, my childhood situation was not stable but I was fortunate to find a good person and the idea that it could be taken away is so scary.

I don't have answers, just empathy. Even with that constant underlying worry, I wouldn't trade these years we have had for anything.
Little Lulu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-18-2018, 06:42 AM   #7
scarlett35
Member
scarlett35 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Posts: 311
2 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Lulu View Post
My DH is older than me and I have had the same worry you have! We have been happily married for 38 years but I still worry that he will die before me. There is nothing to make me think that since he is healthy.

For me it has always been about fear of abandonment. Like many people, my childhood situation was not stable but I was fortunate to find a good person and the idea that it could be taken away is so scary.

I don't have answers, just empathy. Even with that constant underlying worry, I wouldn't trade these years we have had for anything.
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad to know you have had happy years! It's also good to know I'm not alone in the worry.

Sometimes it hits me and sometimes I'm ok. I think it depends on how anxious I am feeling at the time. it is also worse if I am alone and he is not there on an evening.

I suppose in a way i am lucky that I have someone I love that much! I'm lucky I get to spend my days with somebody like that
scarlett35 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-18-2018, 10:12 AM   #8
MickeyCheeky
Wise Elder
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,768 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
33.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

((((scarlett35)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you see a therapist? I feel like this is an issue that could use some further exploring. In the meantime, try to do your best at enjoying the moments you have with him, and let's hope there will be many, many more. Just remember to keep an healthy lifestyle
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-18-2018, 10:25 AM   #9
scarlett35
Member
scarlett35 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Posts: 311
2 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
((((scarlett35)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you see a therapist? I feel like this is an issue that could use some further exploring. In the meantime, try to do your best at enjoying the moments you have with him, and let's hope there will be many, many more. Just remember to keep an healthy lifestyle
I was seeing one but recently finished as in the UK we only get to have so many sessions and then have to leave I feel like some more sessions could have helped me to really get to the bottom of the issues! Including this one.

Thanks for the reply I will try and enjoy it as much as I can!!
scarlett35 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-18-2018, 11:06 AM   #10
MickeyCheeky
Wise Elder
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,768 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
33.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Anxious about boyfriend dying

((((scarlett35))))
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:51 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.