is this anxiety or really abusive?

Hello,

My husband and I have been married for 2 years together over 10 years. Over the years I have developed more anxiety around relationships, friendships ending for various reasons and just generally more anxious. I have had a few panic attacks where I have broken down yelling and crying. Maybe 2/3 times max when my husband does something that drives me crazy or we argue about something i have pushed him away when he keeps pestering me and arguing after i say lets talk later i have shoved him away when having a panic attack that is the only time..crying, yelling and anxious mess.


Once I also scratched him when i shoved him not hard shove but i accidentally scratched him and he insists there is still a small mark. It never had intended to hurt him i was just so upset and anxious. He understands i get really low sometimes and feel so emotional about things and I go over things in my head. He knows. Anyways so we were watching I Tonya which is about the cycle of abuse she went through from her ex husband. I told him halfway through I thought we agreed to watch something light tonight then he said I am like her or the man, I can be abusive. I literally started crying immediately telling him its not even comparable and i have never pushed hard to harm, i shoved when i was having a panic attack cause he wouldnt stop talking.


Now I am so sad and I cant even bring myself to sleep with him the last 3 nights I was on the couch as I feel like a horrible wife even though i know i am not. Now he says oh no you are not abusive, i know its just your anxiety now, thank u for explaining. I want to see a psychologist I used to see however its just too expensive right now for me. Do you feel I am really abusive or its panic? I felt like in the movie and in real life hes not having a panic attack shoving her its so different and I'm really hurt my husband said that. At first my dad said oh no a shove when your upset and anxious is not..then he said well pushing of any form is abuse.


If you read this all thank you - if you don't have time essentially I'm wondering - Is shoving and accidentally scratching my husband during a panic attack abuse? Not shoving away not into a wall or anything shoving away from talking to me when I'm breaking down and had a dumb argument at the time.

Hello paloma: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So...welcome to PsychCentral.

Actually I have a similar sort of situation going on. I'm an older person myself. I've had anxiety-related problems all my life which seem to be worsening the older I get. I have never shoved my spouse. But when I go into a serious anxiety attack I just desperately want / need to be left alone. My spouse, however, seems to be unable to do so (although I do think she's learning) & having her repeatedly try to intervene in my anxiety attacks just makes matters worse. I sometimes worry that some of my own behavior, during those episodes, may border of being abusive.

I would have to say that, to me, what you described does not rise to the level of abuse. Other members may have different opinions of course. But I think the term "abuse" should be reserved for more serious & /or sustained levels of verbal, emotional & / or physical aggression. I think there is a danger, in labelling every little altercation as being abusive, that the idea of abuse will become cheapened to the point where it ceases to have the significance it should, in fact, have... if that makes sense.

Now... having written that... I don't mean to suggest shoving your husband isn't problematic. It is a sign that all is not well perhaps in part with yourself & perhaps in part with your relationship with your husband. You mentioned wanting to see a psychologist you used to see. However it is too expensive right now. Perhaps you might want to look into some lower cost options if there are such things available to you where you live. Perhaps there might be some income-adjusted therapy services that are offered in your area? Checking into some couples counseling options may also be worth doing. In the meantime, however, here are links to 8 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that offer tips for managing anxiety as well as panic attacks:

Living with an Anxiety Disorder

9 Ways to Reduce Anxiety Right Here, Right Now

15 Small Steps You Can Take Today to Improve Anxiety Symptoms

Top 10 Lesser-Known Self-Help Strategies for Anxiety

Living with Panic Attacks

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-to...-attack/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...panic-attacks/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/culti...panic-attacks/

And then here's a link to an article for your husband as well:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/living...nxious-spouse/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I have stayed in a womens shelter and gone through years of counseling for domestic violence.
We always class abuse as somebody with the intent to control by using fear.
Do you ever want to make your husband fearful?? Probably not.

Does your husband support you at all in your anxiety troubles? It sounds like he may add to them.

I would stand up for yourself next time and assert that you are in no way abusive. Hope you feel better