[mulan]

I I don't know how to deal with the tons of anxiety I feel, social anxiety the most.
I have taken some increased dose of benzos and I can feel the difference in my mood and head clarity, but it's not enough. That made me realize how serious is my anxiety or that I am living in anxiety... I asked for a full expresso when the lady had already brewed the drink and I didn't thought twice about it, she gave it to me without a problem. And then I realize the difference. I never do that I just stay still afraid to ask for what I want.
But I am very anxious now, I want to quiet my body. At the end of the day I was just in robot mode. I search for a quite place within the hospital (where I work), I was stamble with the cleaning ladies at every place. They wanted to clean and I was there. Then I went to the hospital chapel. Very quiet, very odd. The lights were off, there was some light from a nactivity scene. I didn't want to touch anything afraid I would set up some alarm (like those bathrooms for disabled people). And I stay there, with little light, afraid of every noise, that someone could find me there and thought I was odd, and I didn't know what excuse to use.
There's a piano there, I tried to play it, it was turned off.
I am very embarased of my excursion and my need to hide, that's why I am venting it in here. It's safer.
And I realized my constant hiding of feelings (because I am embarased) as a big cost on me.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Anxiety in general, & social anxiety in particular, have always been problematic for me as well (along with a laundry list of other stuff. I'll spare you the details.) You mentioned your embarrassment at your need to hide. I'll tell you I'm 70 years old now & I've been in hiding my entire life. So I feel qualified to say it is exhausting!

I hope that, in some way, you can find a way to stop hiding & let the sun shine in. The thing is, if my life experience is any indication, all of this hiding just gets increasingly difficult the older you get. Over the years, it erodes you from the inside. Sooner or later it will out one way or the other. And unless you find a way to deal with it in some affirmative way soon, it may well end up bursting forth in some less than enlightened manner as it did with me.

My best wishes to you...

((((hugs))))